Chapter 70
Cornelia
TJ and I are on our way to brunch, and I can’t think of anything less appealing right now than eating. I feel like anything I put in my stomach will come straight back up. I’m hoping once we get there, drop the news, and see everyone’s reaction, I’ll feel better.
Today, we’re telling all our friends we’re back together.
Well—not exactly telling them. We’re going to brunch with everyone, and TJ and I are just going to act like a couple, which we are again, and they’ll be able to tell.
Also, since we’re going out in public for the first time, it won’t take long before photos of us kissing and touching each other end up online.
I’m prepared for what the people online will say. I know they’ll call me stupid, naive, and spineless for getting back with TJ after what he did.
And maybe… I am those things.
But I love him. I love him to the point I feel him in my veins.
Maybe there should be limits to what you can forgive from someone you love, but with TJ, I fear maybe there aren’t any.
The good thing is that I have learned to mostly ignore what people online say, but what I can’t ignore is what my friends think.
At least I know one out of five is happily on board.
West was the first to find out—kind of by accident.
He heard my voice coming from TJ’s bedroom, and when TJ went to grab a glass of water from the kitchen, he was taking longer than expected.
I went looking for him and found him in the living room, talking to West. I overheard West telling TJ that he heard me, and that it was obvious, since the smile on his face had my name written all over.
Joe stops the car in front of Hide, and TJ gets out, walking around to open my door. “Relax. They love you, they love me, and they’ll be happy we’re back together and moving on from… what happened,” he tells me as I step out.
Are we really… or just ignoring it?
And I doubt Nate will be happy. I don’t know how he’ll react or how he’ll feel about us getting back together, but happy won’t be it. All I know is how I feel, and I feel like I’m stabbing another knife in his back, causing him pain I never want to cause anyone I love.
And then there’s Annabelle. I know she’d be happy for me, and I don’t have to worry about her right now.
She won’t say anything in front of TJ, but I know she will the next time we see each other.
She’ll ask if we had talked about what happened with my mother, and when I say no, she’ll mostly say that avoiding it is being in denial.
But denial and avoidance are my favourite coping mechanisms.
I swallow and nod a few times, trying to push my anxiety aside.
I take his hand, and together, we enter.
We spot all our friends already sitting at an oval table on the ground floor.
We came late on purpose, so everyone could see us walking in together.
As we approach them, they all turn to look at us.
Annabelle looks like she could leap out of her seat and hug me.
West has a smug look on his face and lifts a flute of what I assume contains a mimosa.
Laurie looks genuinely happy. Lucian and Nate—I can’t quite decipher the expressions on their faces, but they don’t exactly look mad.
Judging by the fact none of them seem shocked and there’s already a champagne bottle on the table, I’m pretty sure they all already know.
I look at West. “You told them?”
He shrugs. “How could I not?”
I glare at him.
“It’s kind of your fault—you two were talking too long.”
“We were fifteen minutes late,” I point out.
He doesn’t answer—he just smirks and takes a sip from his flute.
Annabelle gets up from her chair, rushes over, and hugs me tightly, then pulls TJ into a hug too. “I’m so happy for you two!”
Laurie follows her lead, smiling, and pulls us both into a hug.
Things between Laurie and Annabelle are… let’s just say, at a standstill.
“Are you two really back together? I need verbal confirmation. I don’t trust him,” Lucian says, eyeing West.
“I am trustworthy,” West defends himself, but under his breath mutters, “most of the time.”
We nod.
“I’m happy for you, mate,” Lucian says to TJ, then turns to me. “And you.” He looks happy, but I can sense some tension. He’s Nate’s best friend, so I get it.
Nate also congratulates us, but it feels… fake. Like he’s trying too hard to seem okay, when in reality, he’s mad—maybe even furious.
We all sit down, except West, who never got up, and Nate, who dashed to the loo right after congratulating us.
I tilt my head slightly towards the loo, silently asking TJ if he’s okay with me going to check on Nate. He nods, like I knew he would.
I get up from my seat and head towards it. I’m worried about him, but not as much as I would be if Lucian had gone after him. And maybe part of me feels I should have gotten more pushback, and I’m going to where I know I will get it.
I wait outside the men’s loo for Nate to come out. When he does, he doesn’t look surprised to see me.
“I’m guessing you don’t need to use the toilets.” He points at them.
“Not really.” I shake my head. “I want to apologise. I’m sorry about dropping the news like that. Well… technically it wasn’t me, but still, I should have given you a heads-up.”
“Don’t be sorry.” He shrugs. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine if you’re mad about it,” I counter.
“I’m not mad,” Nate insists, but the tightness in his jaw and the way he avoids my eyes say otherwise.
I point at his face. “You should tell that to your face, because it looks mad.”
He lets out a small laugh, followed by a sigh. “I am mad, but it’s not mainly because you two are back together. I saw it coming.”
“But you are mad about it?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think I made a mistake by getting back with him?” I ask softly, afraid of his answer.
“That’s for you to decide.” He’s not really answering my question, but his tone of voice is—his answer is yes.
Maybe I did. But TJ is my worst habit. He’s like the bottle you need a twelve-step programme to get over, and even if such a programme existed, I’m not sure I’d want to go through it.
Since I can’t make him feel better about me and TJ, I ask, “If us being back together isn’t the main reason you are mad, then what is it?” Maybe I can fix that for him.
“If I tell you, then you will be mad,” he says carefully.
“I won’t. I promise.” I don’t know what I’m promising not to be mad about, but it can’t be that bad.
Nate doesn’t look convinced, but says, “I may have placed a wager on you getting back together with TJ, and the fact that you two are back together now means I lost.”
“You bet on us?” I ask a little louder than I intended, feeling a lot less guilty about him being mad about TJ and me.
“It wasn’t like that,” he quickly defends. “It’s not that I bet you would never get back together. The wager was about when. I thought it would take you two a little longer. Are you mad?”
I take a few seconds to respond. “No, I said that I wouldn’t be, so I’m not.” It’s not a lie—I’m not technically mad, just irritated and annoyed. But not much, since this wouldn’t be the first time someone has bet on my romantic life. Remembering that, I ask, “With whom did you wager against?”
“It was part of the bet not to tell anyone about it. I’m already saying too much,” Nate explains.
“Fine.” I don’t push further, even though I want to. I guess asking what he lost in the wager is also out of the question.
Either way, it must have been Lucian. He and Nate do love their wager. Lucian wasn’t smug like he tends to be when he wins a wager, but if he had been, someone would have noticed. And TJ wouldn’t have taken kindly that they were wagering on us.
TJ is gently caressing my hand as I rest against his chest, relaxing to the sound of his steady breathing.
Today was a good day. I don’t know why I worried so much about the brunch.
It went really well. In a way, I think I knew that deep down, to some degree—even though I doubt any of them would admit it—they all wished I could forgive TJ, so that we could stop being a fractured friend group.
Afterwards, we spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around Mayfair. We ended the evening with dinner at Sexy Fish before heading back to TJ’s flat.
He fidgets with my rings. I don’t have many on my right hand—just three.
Two Jessica McCormack Spaghetti Rings, one plain and the other set with carré-cut diamonds and blackened gold, both stacked on my middle finger.
On my ring finger, the Button Back Ring from Jessica McCormack, the one I always wear.
He turns the first two slowly, then moves to the ring on my ring finger and pauses.
“Why do you always wear this one?” he asks quietly.
I had foreseen this question being asked by either Benedict or TJ since the night of the dinner with the devil, but even with that knowledge, I’m not prepared to answer it.
“Benedict really got to you,” I say, deflecting. “You shouldn’t let him.” I hate that it feels like I’m gaslighting him—but I really don’t want to open that can of worms right now.
He shifts so he can look at me properly, which forces me to lift off his chest. I end up half sitting, half lying beside him on the bed. “You’re deflecting,” he says. He knows me too well.
“I’m not,” I declare. “I just think it would be fun to still have some mystery between us.”
“What if I want nothing between us?” he says, moving on top of me, his face too close to mine. There’s a double meaning in his words, and I feel every inch of it.
TJ catches both of my wrists with one hand and pins them above my head. “You’re not getting out of this. I want to know.” His voice is low but playful.
He lowers his head to my neck. I think he’s going to kiss me. I wouldn’t mind if he tried to convince me to tell him that way. But instead, he blows a sharp puff of air against my skin and, with his free hand, starts tickling me mercilessly.
“TJ, stop!” I squirm, laughing so hard I can barely breathe. “I’m going to… pee the bed!”
“I’ll stop if you tell me,” he says with a smirk, enjoying my torment.
I try to push him off me, but I can’t. He’s stronger, and I’m too busy laughing to put up a real fight. “Fine!” I give up between gasps. “I’ll tell you!”
He stops, but before getting off me, he steals a quick kiss on my lips. He shifts, sitting beside me. “Go on then.”
I look at the ring and turn it around a few times.
I could give him the quick answer that I like the ring, but that’s not the answer he’s looking for.
I have a lot of rings I like, but I don’t wear them every day.
I take a deep breath and tell him the truth.
“It was a gift for my eleventh birthday—from my mother.”
As I expected, TJ’s face drops. This is the first time either of us has mentioned her since we got back together.
I continue, “I always knew Anthony bought and sent me gifts with my parents’ names on the card, but this one…” I pause and gaze at its sparkle. “He didn’t. I know because he was as surprised as I was.”
I remember how Anthony stared at the box, shocked.
He almost ripped it from my hands, maybe thinking she’d sent something wildly inappropriate for an eleven-year-old and wanting to check it before letting me have it.
But I was faster. I opened it, and inside was this beautiful, delicate diamond ring.
It was one of the few times she remembered my birthday—and the first time she gave me something I actually liked.
I shake my head, looking away from the ring. “It’s stupid. I don’t even know why I still wear it.”
But I do know. I try to act like I don’t care about my parents being terrible parents, and most of the time, I truly don’t.
I have Anthony, my friends, TJ, and all the money to buy anything I could possibly want.
Wanting more sounds… greedy. But there’s a tiny part of me, buried deep down, that still clings to moments like that one.
Moments when she acted like a real mother—barely, but still.
And sometimes, for a few flickering seconds, I think that part of her isn’t lost forever.
Wearing the ring makes me feel like I haven’t given up hope entirely. I should have long ago. It’s stupid that I still feel this way when I’ve hated her for more than I’ve ever loved her. But somehow, I can’t let go.
I don’t need to explain all that. I know TJ understands. He can relate to it. Having parents who suck at it, but you still want and hope they’ll change.
“It’s not stupid,” TJ whispers. “Nothing that means something to you is stupid.”
I smile. “Let’s change topics.” I don’t want to continue talking about my mother. “What do you think Nate lost in the wager?”
I told TJ about the wager after we finished brunch. He wasn’t mad about it—just a little annoyed.