Chapter 72
Cornelia
“Good morning, my jewel,” TJ says to me as he stands up from the couch when he sees me walk into his flat. I let myself in. I almost smile at that, but I’ve got a mission in mind, and it doesn’t include being all lovey-dovey.
He senses my tension. “What’s wrong? Was Anthony mad about you dropping out?” he asks, walking towards me, his voice tinged with worry.
I shake my head. I didn’t end up talking to Anthony about college, but I did talk to him about my mother.
He told me she was only going to stay a few days until the flat she bought in South Kensington was ready for her to move into, but if it bothered me, he could get her a hotel room.
I told him it didn’t. He knows I’m back with TJ, and it would be hypocritical to be fine with one party but not with the other.
I lied, of course. If I’d told the truth, I would have slept, and I wouldn’t have spent most of the night thinking about it—thinking about the one thing I need to ask TJ.
I take a deep breath, look at him, and ask, “Why did you do it?”
TJ blinks, confused. “Do what?”
“Why did you sleep with my mother?” As the words leave my mouth, I feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room.
“I—I… don’t want to talk about it,” he says, closing off like he has every time we’ve ever gotten near the point of talking about it. I’ve done the same, but this time I won’t.
“Well, I do,” I state, my voice firm.
“Why do you? We’re fine,” he counters.
“We aren’t.” My chest tightens. “We’re just ignoring the freaking bomb in the room, and eventually, it’s going to explode on us. And I’m as guilty of that as you are. But now, I want to talk about it—so we can actually move forward.”
TJ doesn’t say anything. He just stands there a few inches from me, still, like a statue.
“Please, TJ,” I plead, not sure whether I want to scream or cry.
I’m begging him to tell me why he slept with my mother.
What a joke I am. “I need to know… I need to know because I’ve been trying to understand how the person who practically built a house for me, the person who’s always been there for me, the person who does the sweetest thing, could do something like that to me.
I need to know why.” I bit my lip, fighting back tears that slip down my cheeks anyway.
He opens his mouth and closes it, then opens it again to say, “I—I… can’t…” His voice falters, each word trembling. “Can we… just forget what happened… and move on?” The crack in his voice makes it sound like he’s begging me, like he’s breaking from inside.
I wipe away a few tears. Part of me wants to say yes, but I can’t. “No, we can’t.”
I’ve been suppressing my feelings for so long that now they’re busting out.
I tried to convince myself I didn’t love TJ—through Benedict, Nate, anything that would distract me.
When I finally realised I was still in love with him, that I would never love anyone the way I love him, I went back to him.
But now that I’m with him, I can’t lie to myself.
Every time I close my eyes, I see him with my mother.
I see how he betrayed me, the intimacy that shouldn’t exist. But it does. It’s raw. It’s anger. It’s heartbreak.
I’m at a crossroads. I can’t be without him, yet I can’t be with him either, not without knowing there’s a reason behind what happened. Maybe there isn’t. Maybe that is why he can’t answer.
I turn towards the door, pausing before stepping out. My hand hovers over the handle. “Call me when you’re ready to talk,” I say softly but firmly.
I leave, knowing deep down that no matter what happens next, I’ll be back. Eventually. Because as much as I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, I love him more than I love myself.