Twenty-Eight | Cole
Twenty-Eight
Cole
I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling as Lyric’s words dug deeper into my heart.
I knew that the losses we had suffered over the years had been devastating to her, but I never knew that she felt like she was failing me by not being what I needed her to be—or more so, what she thought I needed her to be.
My jaw hurt from how hard I had been clenching it, the anger and frustration of knowing that I had to have done something to make her feel that way ate at me.
Lyric had always been everything I ever wanted and more.
I never felt like anything was lacking between us, and I knew that our inability to have a child was something out of our control because it definitely wasn’t from a lack of trying.
We both wanted to have children, but I never felt that it defined us or our love for each other.
But to know that Lyric had been carrying these feelings for so long and the weight she had been carrying, killed me.
I’d always done everything I could to make things easier for her, yet I had no idea the depths of pain she’d been dealing with or how alone she had felt.
If I would have known, I would have found a way to help her, even if it wasn’t me she needed.
I rolled over onto my side, studying her face as she slept.
I could tell she was exhausted because she had fallen asleep facing me instead of taking the time to turn away from me like she usually did when she was pissed off.
But that was the thing, Lyric hadn’t been angry when she broke down earlier.
She had been open with me for the first time in I didn’t know how long, and it was the hurt that came through the most.
I counted the freckles that dotted her nose and thought back to when we were younger, and I had fallen head over heels in love with her.
She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and I was immediately obsessed with getting to know everything I could about her.
The more I got to know her, the harder I fell.
Lyric was unlike anyone I had ever met before, and to be loved by her was the greatest gift I had ever been given.
So great that I hadn’t noticed when that gift started to slowly fade away as her love for me shifted over the years.
While I had been wanting to have this conversation with Lyric for years, nothing could have prepared me for it tonight.
I thought that Lyric just wanted more from life regarding her fashion design career—I never would have thought that she needed to escape the life we had created together because she thought she couldn’t give me what I needed.
I rolled onto my back and rested my hands on my stomach, taking slow, deep breaths as I tried to force myself to get some sleep so I would have the energy to try to fix things with Lyric in the morning.
**********************
“Good morning,” I said when Lyric entered the kitchen the next morning, her face slightly puffy from crying last night.
I had woken up around three in the morning to the sound of her sniffling.
I could tell she was awake, but pretended to be asleep so I could give her the space she needed.
It nearly killed me not being able to pull her into my arms and comfort her, but I knew that we needed boundaries right now.
Things between us were a mess, and it was my job to fix them, but none of that was going to happen overnight.
We had been apart for six years, with her handling things on her own, so I needed to respect that and let her take the lead in navigating the next steps.
“Good morning,” Lyric replied, her voice more high-pitched than usual as she smiled broadly at the kids. “How did everyone sleep?”
“Good,” Ben murmured, his brows slightly pulled together as he noticed she had been crying.
Kara’s face flashed with concern as she studied Lyric before agreeing that she had slept well.
“I want to go see Rufus,” Chloe whined, pushing her plate away.
“You need to finish your breakfast,” I said, pointing to the food she had yet to touch.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You—” I started, but stopped when Lyric squatted beside Chloe and smiled at her.
“I get that way sometimes in the morning, too,” Lyric said.
“But it’s really important that you fill your belly with those delicious pancakes so you have energy to play with Rufus and Magnolia.
You’re their favorite little girl, and they’ll be so excited to see you today.
Maybe you can get a few bites in while I make my coffee, then I can take you outside? ”
“Okay,” Chloe mumbled, not completely won over by the idea of eating but taking a bite anyway.
“I can take her if you want to get some work done,” Ben offered.
“Thanks,” Lyric replied as she poured herself a cup of coffee. “I don’t mind taking her out for a few, but maybe you can come with us and stay with her if she wants to play outside for a while?”
Ben nodded and returned to finishing his breakfast.
I swallowed down the emotions that kept rising to the surface as I thought about what Lyric said last night. Her words had triggered something in me that I hadn’t expected, and I knew that I wouldn’t do either of us any good until I dealt with my own shit.
“Okay, well, I should get going. Kara, if you’re ready, grab your backpack, and I’ll take you to school.”
She nodded as she cleared her plate, ruffling Chloe’s hair as she walked by.
Lyric looked up at me as she held her mug between her hands. It was as if time stopped, giving us a moment as we stared at each other with a million things needing to be said sitting between us.
I turned and grabbed my stuff, not looking back as I headed out the door and waited for Kara in the truck. I cranked the air conditioning up, letting the cold air blast my face as I closed my eyes and realized that I had zero idea how to fix things with my wife.