Forty-One | Lyric
Forty-One
Lyric
It felt weird having everyone know that I was pregnant because it felt like suddenly everyone wanted to wait on me hand and foot.
I knew that they just wanted to support us, but if anything, it made me more nervous that something bad would happen to the babies.
It was easier to go through a loss when no one knew about it.
It was far harder when everyone suffered that loss with you.
I spent the day in my makeshift office while Cole, Ben, and Dean worked on the final touches in the barn.
It was hard to believe I would soon have my own space, but it was time, since we would need to get the room set up as a nursery for the babies when they arrived.
While we still had plenty of time, it was na?ve to think I could carry the twins to full term, so there was no real way to know when we would need the nursery.
There was a high probability they would come early.
“Everything okay?” Sherry asked, standing in the doorway while I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes before turning to look at her.
“Yep,” I answered, knowing that it was pointless to lie to her.
She came inside and closed the door behind her, giving us some privacy.
I stood by the window, staring outside as I felt her come up beside me and wrap her arm around me.
“The best things in life are usually the scariest,” she said softly. “I can only imagine what you’re feeling, sweet girl.”
I sniffled and nodded my head, letting it fall as the tears streamed down my face freely.
She pulled me into a hug and held me while I cried, not breaking that hug until a few minutes later when I pulled away to grab a tissue.
“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping the tears and blowing my nose. “I know that I should be over the moon thrilled about this but—”
“But you’re scared that if you get attached to the pregnancy, you’ll lose the babies,” she answered for me.
I nodded again as another wave of tears started.
“That’s a very valid feeling, sweetheart. You’ve suffered so much loss already, it’s only natural to have your guard up with this. No one can blame you for that.”
I took a shuddering breath and tried to stop crying.
“It’s okay to let yourself feel all of the things you’re feeling.
It’s actually quite healthy to allow yourself the time to grieve all of your losses because that’s a pain no one should have to bear.
No one but Dean knows this, but I suffered two miscarriages before we had Cole.
Getting pregnant a third time felt like it was going to kill me because I couldn’t stand the thought of going through that pain again.
I didn’t allow myself to bond with him until close to the seventh month, and then I regretted that I hadn’t done it sooner. ”
I looked up at her through tear-filled eyes, seeing her in a new light.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.
“I don’t tell my story often because growing up, I was always taught to keep that stuff to myself.
Don’t show that you’re in pain and don’t show any weakness.
But that never did me any good, so I wanted to share my story with you so you'd know you weren’t alone.
I understand why you’re having a hard time right now.
I get where you’re coming from because I’ve been there before.
Please know that you have a whole village behind you, sweetheart.
We’re all here to help out however we can, whenever you need us. ”
“Thank you, Sherry,” I said, crying harder as I pulled her in for another hug.
I didn’t have my mom to help me through any of this, and that thought had been weighing on my mind a lot lately. But having Sherry felt like the next best thing, and I realized that someday, I wanted to be just like her.