10. Chapter 10
Chapter ten
— THE 1 BY TAYLOR SWIFT
“Ugh, this main male character is hot as fuck,” Teags says from across my reading room. She’s sitting on the beanbag chair I have in the corner of the room.
My reading room has bookshelves on either side of it, then a wall with windows because I love how the natural lighting looks, especially in the mornings. My shelves are about seventy percent full. Thank God I still have room, because having no shelf space is the worst thing in the entire world. If that happens, I usually stack my books in towers on the floor.
The walls are light pink, and fairy lights decorate my shelves. I like turning them on at night for a beautiful ambiance. It’s like I have my own personal library, and this is by far my favorite room in the house.
I’m sitting on my futon as I adjust my body so I have a better view of Teags.
“What mafia man are you falling in love with this time?”
“Hey! Don’t knock my newest book boyfriend. He just threatened to kill someone for touching his wife.”
Oh shit. “Nothing gets you going like threatening murder.”
“I know!”
“Does Gregory often do that?” I say, wanting to know more, but knowing Teags probably still won't budge.
“He’s not like that, but that’s fine with me.”
“Are you sure?” I find it odd that Teags has been so secretive about this guy, and I know her girl crush on Dom still exists, so what the hell is going on inside her head?
“Yes, I’m sure. Gregory is nice and patient. I think that’s what I need in a guy anyway. Someone who’s not like me whatsoever. It brings a nice balance to things.”
Yeah, right. She’s lying through her teeth. For one, she’s brushing through the ends of her hair while she speaks, which is her tell. If I know my best friend like I think I do, she wants someone who makes her feel as alive as the dark romance books she reads.
Teags needs to meet her match, and maybe one day she will, but I don't see Gregory being that for her.
“Understood. It’s nice that you know you have a type. I don't think my type exists anymore.”
“Oh, believe me, I know your type: emotionally unavailable, tall, has an arm sleeve, name rhymes with—”
I throw one of my pillows at her because I hate what she’s insinuating. “He’s my bodyguard, Teags. He’s just doing his job.”
“And? He’s beautiful to look at. I swear, that stare is panty-dropping. He has aged quite nicely these past few years.”
“Ew, Teags. Stop it.”
She only giggles at me. Teagen West is giggling at me. “I’m just saying, girl. He came back for you. He kept his promise, and you can’t ignore how he looks at you.”
“How he looks at me is his literal job, Teags.”
“Yeah, and you have always loved protective men, at least in books. Now that you have your own, who knows what could happen?”
“Nothing. That’s what’s going to happen. Now, this is a reading date, not gossip time, so hush.”
“You’re the one who started asking me about Greg,” she mumbles, flipping the page of her book.
“You’re a closed door about the guy, babe. Forgive me for wanting any crumbs you could give me. Plus, my relationship is fake. Let me live vicariously through yours.”
“I’m happy you have your platform, but Gregory was my choice. You didn't have any say in the whole Alex situation. Doesn't that get annoying?”
“Yeah, it does.” I wish I had choices over my life, especially about who I’m dating. Even though Alex and I are real in the media’s eyes, we’ll never have that connection.
This conversation is bringing me back to the only boy I ever loved—or thought I did—until he broke my heart.
Seven Years Ago
As I sit across from Tommy, gaze full of wonder, I notice that he looks a little nervous. We’ve only been dating for around seven months, but it’s been going great. The two of us are only seventeen, but he’s the first boy I’ve ever loved, and if life works out for us, he’ll be the last.
We’re sitting outside of one of my favorite places—a coffee shop around the corner from school. It’s a fairly nice day out, and I’m wearing one of my pink sundresses. Tommy opted for his normal spring attire—black joggers and a simple blue t-shirt. His blond hair is messy, with some straight pieces peeking through on the sides .
“So, for my next video, I was thinking about doing a day in my life. Is it okay if you’re in it? I know how you feel about your privacy, and it doesn't even have to be your face if you don't want it to be.”
“Bree, listen—”
“Oh! I also had this idea where you pick the books I’ll read for that month. It’s a trend going around, and I really want to do it. I feel like you have pretty good taste, too.” Tommy and I only started dating when my channel was first gaining traction, but now, I have over a million subscribers. It’s insane , but I can’t imagine not making it. I love being able to share my love for books, and most people have been so sweet.
Life feels like a dream lately, one I hope I never have to wake up from. I know I spend a lot of my time in different book realities, but one I never want to stray from is the one I live in. If this life is a dream, I hope I never wake up.
“That sounds fun, but—”
Before he can speak, I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. When I turn around, a girl my age is looking at me. “Hi, are you Books with Bree on YouTube?”
“Hi! Yes, that’s me. It’s so nice to meet you!”
“I knew it was you! I wasn't going to interrupt you, but I knew if I didn't at least say hi, I would regret it! I absolutely love your videos. You give some of the best recommendations.”
“Thank you so much. That’s so kind of you.”
“Can I get a picture?” she asks me, and I nod. I take a selfie with her, and then she leaves.
That’s one thing I’ll never get used to—people recognizing me. It’s always so weird, but I love meeting people who watch my videos. I wouldn't have my platform without them, and they’re always so sweet.
“I’m sorry, Tommy. Where were—”
“I can't do this anymore, Bree.”
My stomach drops. “Do what? ”
“Us. It’s too hard. I’m breaking up with you.”
I feel tears start to fill my eyes, but I try my best to keep them at bay. I didn't see this coming. Everything has been perfect, and I thought we were happy, but maybe that was only me. Did I do something wrong? “Why? I thought everything was going well between us?”
“You're too recognizable. All you care about is your channel and books, and it doesn't feel like you care about me anymore. All you do is work, and you’re never around. This is the first time in days where you’re not preoccupied, and you still chose to talk to a fan over me.”
“Tommy, it was barely a five minute conversation! Do you want me to ignore my fans? Because I won't do that. They’re the reason I have my platform; I can't just ignore them when they want to talk to me for a second!”
He runs a hand through his hair before he scoffs at me. “It’s just too much—the fame, your work. You don't seem to be in the relationship like I am. I think you need to do some serious evaluating if you get into a relationship after this. Don't fall in love with someone, because there’s no way any ordinary person could deal with your job if it gets worse than this. Don't put someone through that, Bree. It’s bad enough that I had to deal with it for a few months, but if you get bigger, I don't even want to think about that.”
Don't put someone through that. Has he always been this much of an asshole, or am I only noticing that now? “What I do moving forward is none of your business, Tommy. I’m sorry I became too hard for you to deal with, but I thought being in a relationship meant that you stood by your partner no matter what, even if things got tough. So maybe you should think about that for your future.”
“Maybe you should get a life instead of burying your head in those unrealistic books.” He leaves me sitting at the table, tears brimming as I pick up my phone and dial my sister.
“Can you come pick me up?”
“I’m on my way. Are you okay? What happened?”
“I’ll explain, just get here, please,” I say as I wipe a stray tear from my eyes.
That day changed a lot for me. Gone was the girl who believed in falling in love, in fairytales, in happy endings with someone you love despite it all. Gone was the girl who believed my favorite fictional boyfriends were setting the standard for real life, and in her place is a girl who just wants someone to choose her.
I want to be someone's choice. I want them to choose to be with me.
I’ve since grown like he knew I would, my heart has been kept under lock and key. Because deep down, I’m sure he’s right—nobody would want to deal with all this. Somedays, I don't even want to. I’m exhausted in every way possible, and no person could ever love me how I am now. Nobody wants to love someone with a stalker on the loose threatening her every move. Nobody wants to love someone who can’t even hear a loud noise without breaking down into tears, and someone who can't sleep without lights and sounds on.
I’m too broken to be loved. If Tommy thought I wasn't worth it, then what am I now?
Worthless. That’s what I am. I’m destined for fake relationships and lackluster connections for the rest of my life. I’m stupid to even think that anyone could choose me after they get to know everything about me.
My road to love looks bleak. It’s a path that nobody else but me is on, and I’m destined to find nothing at the end of it.
“I wish love like this existed in real life,” Teags sighs as she flips the page .
“Is everything okay with Gregory? You know you can talk to me if it's not.”
Her puzzled face meets mine. “Everything’s fine. Why?”
“I don't know. You just seem really against love for someone in a relationship.”
“I can be in a relationship and still think love is embarrassing. I mean, look at what my brother and Liv have. I adore their relationship, but it’s almost hilarious how head over heels he is for her.”
As he should be . It’s what my sister deserves. The irony of Teags being in a relationship and saying all this is not lost on me, and maybe someday, I’ll get the truth out of her. “Yeah, well, it’s possible for them. It’s never going to be possible for me.”
“Bree, it is possible for you. You’re the one too stubborn to even try. One day, you’ll meet someone, fall in love, and create a beautiful life together. I just can't see myself ever loving someone, if that makes sense.”
“You don't love Gregory?”
Teags just continues reading, swiftly avoiding my question. I decide not to press any further, but I can’t help but smile. This conversation has been so normal, and I love it. I love sitting here talking about boys, books, and love like a regular girl would do with her friend.
I wonder if she knows I’ve never had anything normal, that I’m extremely thankful she’s able to give me a piece of it every so often. I go to tell her that when her phone buzzes a few times.
“Shit, Tristan needs me. Theo just got home, and he’s drunk again.”
My heart lurches for the West family. Tristan and Teags have been holding their family up since Tobias left. It’s only been six months, and all of them cope in their own way, but Theo has been struggling. He has good days, but lately, it feels like the bad ones are more frequent.
Tristan only recently started to heal, and Teagen is trying her best, but I know she still cries when nobody can see her. I know she hides her pain from the world because she hates talking about it. Emotions and Teagen don’t mix well.
But I also know Teags is strong, and when she wants to talk to me about it, she will. I just have to let her grieve and deal with it how she knows best.
And like myself, I know how hard it is to be the youngest in a family, to feel like you have to be perfect. You feel like you have to be the person nobody worries about, so you shove your emotions down until they explode one day. You have to let your older siblings know that they did okay, and make sure they don't have to worry about you while they figure their own shit out.
“Have you thought about getting him help? He’s been like this since the funeral.”
“Yeah. Tristan and I have talked about it, but we don't think Theo would be too happy with us.”
“Wow, a stubborn West sibling, I can’t believe it,” I joke, and she smiles at me. “I’m just saying that your family offered me help when I needed it, and even though I never took it, I’m always willing to help. I’m sure Dr. Anna could recommend a colleague for Theo. Just let me know.”
“Thanks, Bree.” She pauses, unsure if she wants to say something next. “Somedays, I wish we could just leave Pennsylvania and run away together. I think you’re the only person on Earth who understands me and all my quirks.”
“I have days like that, ones where I wish I wasn't who I am, that I could leave all of this behind and start a new life.” I grab her hand even though I know she hates physical touch. “But then, I remember that if I went back in time and changed it all, I’d never have met you.”
“I’m glad I know you too, Bree. You’re my best friend. No matter what your ghosts are, you’ll always be that for me.”
“I love you to the moon, Teags.”
“And back, Bree. I’ll see you later. ”
“See you later,” I say before I pick my book back up and get lost in a reality I know I’m safe in.
For now.