Chapter 59 Ben
BEN
Four years.
It’d been four fucking years since she jilted me and it still hurt.
What the hell was wrong with me?
As I stormed along the beach, I kicked the sand in frustration.
I should be over the pain by now.
It wasn’t like I still thought about my ex. Not in a romantic way, at least.
When I did think about her, other emotions like hatred and embarrassment flooded my veins.
Even now, I still struggled to understand how she could do that to me.
I shook my head. I couldn’t think about this now. It’d just make me angry.
I hated how that experience had such a profound effect on me.
Sarah was right. I should be able to help plan Theo’s wedding. He was my brother and my best friend. He’d always had my back and rarely asked for anything in return. Yet here I was, trying to avoid helping with his wedding.
He’d been asking me for weeks to go shopping for a new suit and each time I’d made up an excuse. It was pathetic.
And now I’d just shouted at Sarah.
She didn’t deserve that.
The past few weeks with her had been the happiest of my life.
Everything had felt so right. So calm.
I loved that she came to my place every evening.
I loved when we cooked together.
I loved eating dinner beside her whilst we chatted about our days.
I loved the way she rested her legs on my lap and let me massage her feet when she was writing. And how comfortable it felt to just sit with her and read.
The word comfortable used to make me think about boredom and monotony. But now, as strange as it sounded, there was something rather thrilling about feeling so at ease with someone that there wasn’t a need to talk to fill the silence or perform.
With Sarah, I didn’t have to crack jokes or entertain her so that she’d stick around.
And despite what we’d originally agreed, it wasn’t just about the sex.
In fact, some of the best moments were when she was just lying in my arms at night.
Or when we were doing an everyday task like chopping vegetables for supper.
This sense of ease and belonging was something that I’d never experienced. And if I was being honest, it scared the living daylights out of me.
In less than a month the bar would be finished and my time in Sunshine Bay would be over. Sarah would’ve finished her book outline and wouldn’t require my ‘services’ anymore, so it’d be time for me to leave.
I’d gone over and over it in my head. Considered whether it was feasible for me to stay, but it really wasn’t.
Theo and Jess wouldn’t have enough work for me, so they couldn’t waste valuable funds on paying an extra wage.
And as for Sarah, it was better to go out on a high. I needed to leave whilst things were still good between us. Before she got bored of me and left. Getting over my ex was a struggle. But if Sarah rejected me, I didn’t know if I’d recover.
This was all such a mess.
I should’ve stuck to the rules and kept things purely physical, but I’d gone against that. Whilst I’d enjoyed seeing Sarah every day, I already knew that the consequences of doing so would be catastrophic.
‘There you are!’ Sarah’s voice sounded from behind me. I spun around and saw her jogging in my direction. ‘Thank God you hadn’t got to the other end of the beach. Not sure I could’ve run that far!’ She bent over, trying to catch her breath.
Warmth flooded my chest and a smile broke out on my face. This was what I loved about her. She was just so infectious. Even when I was feeling shitty, somehow, she made me happy without even trying.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said quickly as I walked towards her to save her running the last few steps. ‘I didn’t mean to snap at you.’
‘I know. Clearly, I touched a nerve. Maybe something from your past?’
Sarah didn’t say anything else. She just waited to see whether I’d confirm or deny her theory.
‘Let’s walk.’ I stretched out my hand. She took it straight away and the heat from her soft palm instantly made me feel better.
Now I understood why Theo and Jess held hands all the time.
Sarah and I hadn’t ‘gone public’, but it was probably obvious to anyone who knew us that we were more than colleagues.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed to be with her. Far from it. We’d just both agreed that the fewer people that knew, the easier it’d be when we ended things.
But right now, I didn’t give a toss about what other people thought.
Sarah and I walked in silence for a while and I was grateful that she hadn’t pressurised me to talk or asked questions. She was allowing me to do things at my own pace.
‘So.’ I blew out a breath, trying to summon the strength to spill my guts.
‘As you’ve probably guessed from my unfortunate outburst, weddings are triggering for me.
Because…’ I paused again. Come on, Ben, you can do this.
It’s Sarah. You can trust her. She won’t laugh or ridicule you.
‘I… I was engaged before. I thought we were in love, but she left me. On our wedding day. At the altar.’
Sarah stopped dead in her tracks and her gasp was audible.
I didn’t want to look at her. I was too embarrassed, but I couldn’t help myself. I needed to see her eyes. That would tell me what she really thought about me.
When I cautiously lifted my gaze and I saw sadness and empathy, relief flooded every part of me. Sarah was the real deal.
‘Ben,’ she said softly. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s fucked up. Why do people do shit like that? Why couldn’t she have spoken to you before?’
‘Precisely.’
‘Did you have any inkling? Not that it excuses her actions.’
‘Looking back, yeah. Hindsight is always a wonderful thing. I think I was so head over heels that I wasn’t thinking clearly.’
‘How long did you date?’
‘About a year. It all moved very quickly. Lots of partying and passion. Before I knew it I was on one knee, proposing. She said yes and in the beginning she was super enthusiastic about planning the wedding. But then she asked if I’d take over because she had a lot on at work.
I was at business school, whereas she was working in PR, so I understood that involved long hours.
I planned everything. The venue, the reception, the DJ.
Theo and Tom and several friends flew over from London for the ceremony.
They’d said I was crazy to get tied down so young, but I was in love.
We had plans. We’d get married, buy a house together, have kids. But then—’
‘Should we sit?’ Sarah squeezed my hand, then pointed to an empty bench. I nodded, then shuffled up beside her.
‘At first I just thought she was late. In that respect, she was a stereotypical woman. Took an age to get ready, even if we were just going to the supermarket. Her hair, nails and clothes had to always be perfect. So when the boys joked that she wasn’t coming, I reassured them that if it took her over an hour to get ready to do food shopping, it’d take her ages for our wedding day. ’
‘How long were you standing there?’
‘Almost an hour.’ I replied. Sarah winced and a twinge of embarrassment shot straight to my gut. ‘Stupid, I know. I’d called her a few times by that point, but she hadn’t answered. Theo took me outside and suggested we call her maid of honour.’
‘Didn’t she have any family waiting at the church?’
‘No. She didn’t speak to them. That’s probably why we got attached so quickly. I was in California, thousands of miles away from my loved ones, and she was on her own too, so it was like we just had each other.’
‘I get that.’
‘When we called her friend, she didn’t answer. It didn’t surprise me because we never really got on. But just as we were about to go there to check that something hadn’t happened to Piper, my ex, a text came through from her friend saying that she wasn’t coming.’
‘Wait, what?’ Sarah’s face crumpled. ‘So her friend texted you? She didn’t even have the decency to tell you herself?’
‘No.’ I hung my head. ‘I couldn’t believe it.
There was so much of that day that I didn’t remember.
Apparently, Tom took me home after that text, whilst Theo broke the news to everyone, but after that I fell into a dark hole for months.
I dropped out of business school and just started partying and never really stopped. ’
‘Shit.’ Sarah wrapped her arm around my back, then started rubbing it in soothing circles. ‘Did you ever speak to her again?’
‘A few weeks later she texted. Said she was sorry but that she’d realised that I wasn’t husband material. That it was fun whilst it lasted and that was it.’
‘That was her explanation?’
‘Correct. None of it made sense at first. I was studying, but I had money. Father gave me an allowance, and I had the money I inherited when I was twenty-one that Mother left me, so it wasn’t as if I was a struggling student who couldn’t keep up with her.
I was ready to commit and give her everything. ’
‘You said at first?’
‘Because then as time passed, I found out that whilst we were together, she was involved with someone else. One of her clients.’
‘Fuck. I know how gutting that feels.’
‘Obviously, I was devastated. And I felt like even more of a fool. So that’s when I started trying to numb the pain.’
‘Drugs?’
‘No. Luckily, I steered clear of those. But alcohol and women became my vices. I basically tried to party and fuck the pain out of my system.’
‘Did it work?’ Sarah asked.
‘Plot twist, I know, but surprisingly not. Theo intervened and was able to get me off the booze and into fitness instead. That’s when I started taking better care of my body and health, but the side effect of that was more women.’
Sarah’s face fell and I realised I wasn’t painting myself in a very positive light, but it was the truth.
‘Just to be clear,’ I added, ‘I was always safe and I got tested regularly, so please don’t worry about catching anything. I’m clean. I got tested before I started working at the library, and you’re the only woman I’ve slept with since then.’
‘Really?’ Sarah’s eyes popped.
‘Yes. I… I was just tired of it. I was just kind of… done.’
‘I wouldn’t have guessed that.’
‘Look, I know I flirt a lot and stuff, but—’
‘It’s not who you really are? It’s just a front?’ Sarah finished my sentence.
‘Yeah. It’s a shield. I think I got so used to pretending, I forgot how to feel for real.
For so long, my friends always told me that I could have any woman I wanted and I believed that.
But when I realised that I couldn’t keep a woman, it made me question everything.
Like whether I was enough. So I focused on my strengths. ’
‘How do you mean?’
‘My ex said I was hot and good in bed, so she valued those attributes. Just not the rest of me. To her I was just good for sex and nothing more. Friends and family said I was funny. So I played up to that. Even from a young age, I became the entertainer because I wasn’t particularly gifted academically.
And that continued when I grew up. I became the man that women came to if they wanted a decent fuck.
I learnt that was my place in the world.
If I fulfilled those roles and didn’t expect anyone to think I was more than a funny playboy, then I’d never be disappointed. No one could ever hurt me again.’
‘Oh, Ben.’ Sarah threw her arms around me and squeezed tight.
I reciprocated, clinging to her like my life depended on it.
She didn’t know it, but holding me at that moment meant everything. I knew it was good to let this all out, but it was draining too. Having to relive all of the pain and the hurt all over again was like pouring vinegar into a fresh wound.
Eventually I pulled away. I had to. It felt too good.
It was clear that I was falling for Sarah. It was ludicrous that I warned her about catching feelings, yet I was the one who was guilty of that.
‘I’m so sorry for everything you went through. Is that why you left California? Because you were tired of the partying and living a lie?’
I paused, then swallowed hard.
It’d be easier to end this confessional now. Sarah already knew enough. If I told her the full story, she’d really think I was pathetic.
‘Yes,’ I said quickly. ‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of?’ Sarah’s face crumpled.
Shit. I was supposed to say yes and leave it at that. But there was something about Sarah that made me want to open up. She was really easy to talk to. Maybe I should stop hiding and get everything off my chest.
Once and for all.
‘Yes, I was done with the partying, but I still could’ve stayed.’
‘So why’d you leave?’
I took a deep breath and tried to muster up the strength to tell her about the thing that happened that was the last straw.
The thing that truly broke me.
‘Because then my ex did something incredibly cruel. Something that hurt me even more than the jilting and cheating. Something that was utterly unforgiveable.’