7. Jude
JUDE
Only half an hour remained, and I still had no idea whether Soren would show up for our date at my place.
I’d punished myself all day for telling him about my prison record by pushing too hard in the workshop, where I was restoring an antique secretary desk that had belonged to the governor’s family for generations.
By five, I’d repaired the warped drawer runners and removed a century’s worth of grime from the brass fittings.
I’d only stopped when I’d nearly ruined a section of veneer because I was thinking about Soren instead of the work in front of me.
Now the sauce simmered on the stove, the meatballs were keeping warm in the oven, and a loaf of garlic bread waited beneath foil on the counter.
Through the open doors at the back of the house, the ocean rolled steadily toward shore, waves breaking beyond the deck in long white lines.
Usually, the sound settled me, but tonight it only marked the passing seconds.
I dried my hands on a dish towel and checked the clock again.
Twenty-eight minutes.
Plenty of time for him to still show up.
Fuck. Why had I told him about my past? Even thinking about that conversation made heat crawl up the back of my neck.
I had cared for over a dozen subs before.
I’d guided them, given them structure when they needed it, comforted them when life was too hard, and disciplined them when they got a little too sassy.
And I had never told any of them about prison.
That history was mine alone, known only by a select few.
Phoenix, because he’d been there from the very moment I’d walked out of prison, providing a place for me to stay before Halo House started accepting angels. He’d just lost his husband, and we’d sustained each other for a while, becoming the best of friends while I found my footing.
And Vale, because he was a cop and his interest in Phoenix had motivated him to investigate me.
He’d tried to use the information against me only for Phoenix to tell him he already knew about my history.
For a long time, I’d hated Vale for bringing up my past, but that was mostly water under the bridge now.
And now Soren knew.
I still didn’t know why I’d told him. Maybe because he had looked at me with those big, wounded eyes like he expected me to fix whatever was wrong with his world.
Maybe because a few nights before that I’d held him in my arms, my chest aching just listening to the heart-wrenching sobs that tore from him.
Maybe because that night I’d lain in bed long past my usual bedtime, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about how easily he’d fitted against me and how much I wanted to be the one to put him back together again after watching him shatter.
For the first time, I hadn’t emphasized to a sub that our caregiver relationship would be platonic.
I’d gone so far as to give him the loophole that all he had to do was consent.
But then what? I would have sex with him?
For some unknown reason, I’d taken a liking to him, but he was such a mess; the last thing he needed was sex to complicate things.
I lifted the lid from the sauce and stirred, though it didn’t need stirring. At least it gave me something to do so I didn’t keep checking my phone to see if I had a message from Phoenix informing me that Soren wouldn’t be coming tonight. If he didn’t show up…
Just the thought left me feeling such an inexplicable and profound loss.
I barely knew him. I’d seen him all of three times already, and we’d only spoken that last time.
Yet something in his posture, in the trembling lips, the high cheekbones, and terrified eyes, called to me in a way nothing ever had.
I was old enough to know what attraction was when it sat in my lap and nuzzled against my chest. Only years of self-control had kept me from chubbing up with him in my arms. But the pull I felt toward him was something more.
Attraction, I could handle. Soren wouldn’t even be the first sub I’d taken in, whom I’d felt attracted to, but I’d never crossed the line.
It was important to me to keep things platonic, so I should be relieved if he didn’t show up because the boy had the potential to derail the efforts I’d made to keep Halo’s angels at arm’s length.
Screw this. I need to know if he’s coming or not.
I set the spoon down harder than necessary and picked up my phone. Since Soren didn’t have a personal phone—something I would have to get him if he became my boy—I had to call Phoenix. He picked up on the third ring.
“Hey, Jude. Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yes. You?”
“Hold on a sec. Aaron just walked in.”
I tapped my fingers impatiently on the counter, barely stopping myself from whining that Vale could wait. All the cop would do was hang around Phoenix like his shadow without making his intentions clear anyway.
After a couple of minutes, Phoenix returned to the call. “Sorry about that. Soren was freaking out a bit, and Aaron stopped by to talk to him.”
Shit. It was all my fault.
“Do I need to come over?” I asked, which was a silly question, given he wasn’t my boy. Yet. But I couldn’t help being worried.
“I think Aaron’s got it. He and Soren are close, given that Soren views him as his savior. When I can’t get through to him, Aaron speaks to him for me.”
Something tight pulled beneath my ribs, and an unpleasant taste filled my mouth.
I’d been there the night Aaron had taken Soren to Halo House, so I knew firsthand the trust he must have in the cop.
Still, I didn’t like picturing Soren turning to another man when he was frightened or hurting. It was my lap where he belonged.
“I guess he’s not coming tonight then,” I said, unable to keep the dejection out of my voice.
“I’m sorry, Jude. I’m not sure.”
The other end of the line went silent, although I sensed there was something else he wanted to say.
“Go ahead and say it. It was stupid of me to bring up my time in prison.”
“In hindsight, it might not have been wise,” he said, tactful as always. “Why did you tell him anyway? You’ve never disclosed that information to any of the other subs you’ve taken under your care.”
“I don’t know. It just felt like something he should know before making the decision.”
“It’s the same decision your other subs made, Jude.”
But it wasn’t this time, was it? There was the promise, though faint, of something new to explore. And since I hated liars and manipulators, I’d wanted to be upfront with Soren.
“Did he talk to you about it?” I asked.
“Of course he did. He was upset that I’d set him up with a criminal, so I have you to thank for that too. I think his trust in me has dwindled and that’s why he wanted to speak to Aaron.”
I couldn’t help the growl that came from my throat. “He could have come to me.”
“Really, Jude? Because it seems you left out quite a bit of the story. Why didn’t you tell him the full truth?”
“I did tell him the truth. What he needs to know anyway.”
“The truth is that you went to prison for something you didn’t do. Darren confessed to the whole thing when they finally nabbed him for trying the same thing again.”
“It doesn’t change the facts, Phoenix. Let him know I’ll wait for an extra hour if he decides to come because I think he’s worth the wait.”
“Jude, I know you give your all as a caregiver to your subs, but I’ve never seen you like this before. What’s different this time?”
“Damn if I know, Phoenix. Damn if I know. He’s just…different. I can feel it.”
“I hope so. I want this for you so much, my friend, but be careful. We don’t know much about him yet. He’s been tightlipped about how he wound up here, and we can tell from his foreign accent that he’s not from this country.”
“I already figured that out.”
He chuckled. “I’ve heard of love at first sight but not love at first sound. If I knew all it took for you to change your mind about love was a foreign accent, I would have picked out an international boy for you a long time ago.”
Despite the worry gnawing at my gut that Soren may not show up, I laughed, but the sound made my chest ache and my stomach feel hollow.
“You think I’m stupid for fixating on a guy I just met. Don’t you?” I whispered because Phoenix was just as jaded as me.
After the horrors of his late teen years, which left him scarred, he’d eventually lived with and married a much older man who’d willed Halo House and the nightclub to him.
Their relationship had been built on mutual respect and devotion rather than love.
They’d had an understanding that went deep, and Phoenix had vowed never to marry again.
Phoenix’s husband had been to him what he was now to the angels he housed.
And since, like me, Phoenix had no desire for love, he’d focused all his energy and his late husband’s wealth on caring for the less fortunate, much as he had been years ago.
“Au contraire, my friend, I hope everything works out for you. You’ve provided an invaluable service to Halo House, and if it’s time for you to walk away from that role, you know I’ll miss you but support you.”
I cleared my throat, which had grown thick with emotion from his words. We’d both come a long way.
“It’s too soon for all these maudlin words, Phoenix. We don’t even know if he’ll show up.”
“Well, I hope he does. It would be his loss to miss out on the best Daddy a boy could ever ask for.”
When I hung up a few minutes later, I clung to those words of his like a lifeline. If Soren didn’t show up, it would be his loss. I was a good man who didn’t let my past define me.
But I hoped like hell that he didn’t either.