Chapter 23 – Maddie
Potty Proposal
Maddie
IS HE SERIOUS?
He looks serious.
“Did you just propose to me holding my pee stick while I’m sitting on the toilet with my pants down?” It sounds even worse when I say it out loud.
“To be fair…” Leo starts to motion with my uncapped pregnancy test, then seems to realize what he’s doing and sets it on the counter. “I was planning to propose to you before any of this happened. The opportunity just presented itself.”
I narrow my eyes, trying to tell if he’s being serious or just trying to make me feel better. “You were?” Holding up a hand, I stop Leo before he can start. “Wait. I want to have this discussion not sitting on the toilet.”
I quickly wipe before flushing and pulling up my pants, my earlier weirdness about Leo being around while I do my business obviously the least of my worries now. After quickly washing my hands, I take another look at the pregnancy test and it’s still positive.
So there’s that.
“I need to lay down.” I stumble into the bedroom and collapse onto the mattress.
I can’t believe I did this. I mean…
I kind of can, because I know how babies are made. I knew I wasn’t on the pill. I understand that unprotected sex can result in this exact scenario.
I just wasn’t really thinking about it. I had about a million other thoughts taking up most of the space in my brain.
And honestly, feeling close with Leo was one of the brightest spots in my life. I’m sure it would’ve been just as great with a condom between us, but I wanted all of him. I wanted to give him all of me.
And on some fucked-up level, I liked knowing that if I died, Leo would have been the last one to touch every part of me. That he’d erased—or maybe negated—any claim Drake could make about possessing any inch of my body.
Leo comes to my side, gently pulling off my shoes before stretching me down the mattress and climbing on beside me. He pulls me close, and I don’t even care that he stinks.
I do care a little bit that he’s lying on our bed covered in dirt and probably other people’s blood, but I’m too tired and nauseous and twisted up to do anything about it.
“Talk to me.” Leo strokes down my hair. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking our parents are going to shit a brick sideways.” Imagining what they’re going to say has me wanting to throw up all over again. Or maybe that’s the tiny little gag goblin upheaving my insides.
“I don’t give a fuck about our parents.” Leo presses a kiss to the top of my head. “I only care about what you think.”
“I think…” I pull in a slow breath, trying to calm down. “Morning sickness might be misnamed, because it’s the freaking afternoon.”
Leo presses another kiss to my crown. “Stay right here.” He pads into the bathroom, peeling away his jersey and shorts as he goes.
Dropping them onto the floor, he collects the plastic bag of items he bought at the drugstore and carries them back in.
Retaking his place beside me wearing nothing but his underwear and a concerned expression, he pulls out the crackers and ginger ale, urging me along until I manage to get three saltines down along with a few more gulps of soda.
Once I’m done, my head drops back against the pillows, and I drape an arm over my eyes. “I’m so tired.”
Thinking back, I’ve been tired for a month now. The day I tried to break up with Leo—mistake—I was even taking a walk because I was so exhausted I worried I’d fall asleep at my desk.
If my periods are to be believed, I was pregnant then and just didn’t know it. Thought I’d missed my end of January period due to stress.
It wasn’t a stretch.
“I know.” Leo brushes my hair back from my face. “Why don’t you sleep for a little bit? Rest and see if you feel any better when you wake up.”
I bob my head in a small nod. “That sounds nice.”
I feel the bed shift as he gets up, but Leo’s back a second later, voice hushed when he says, “go snuggle your mommy. She doesn’t feel good.”
Gillette’s cold nose pokes at the skin of my cheek, making me smile. I keep the arm over my eyes where it is, but use my free hand to pat her as she curls up against me, the rumble of her purr the perfect white noise to lull me into a deep sleep.
“ARE YOU SURE this is what you want to do?” Leo’s voice is free of judgment. There’s only concern tinting his words. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to tell them anything.”
Is that why I’m doing this? Out of obligation?
I ponder that a second before deciding, “it’s not out of obligation to them.”
It’s more out of an obligation to myself and the teeny tiny little peanut of a baby making me puke my guts out and nap every afternoon when I get home from work. I’m done living my life for other people, and I’ll be damned if I teach my child that’s the way it should be.
“They need to know I’m the one making decisions in my life, and they don’t have any say.” I always felt guilty not listening to my parents. At the very least considering their thoughts and opinions. I wanted them to be proud of me. Wanted them to see me in a positive light.
But why? Why do I care what people I don’t respect think of me?
I don’t and I shouldn’t.
For them, our relationship was all about power and control. That’s likely all it will ever be. And that’s fine. But I’m the one who will have the power and control.
“You know I’ll support you in whatever you want to do.” Leo gives me a crooked smile. “Unless you want to break up with me again and move back into your apartment.
I wince, because I still feel freaking terrible about that. “I’m —”
Leo’s thumb comes up to press against my lips. “Don’t apologize. You were trying to do what you thought was right.” His smile widens. And everyone’s allowed to be wrong sometimes.”
I really was wrong, but it was for the right reasons. I was attempting to protect Leo, but in the process, I did to him what people have been doing to me. I took away his choice. I made a decision about his life and what was best for it.
Thankfully, I came to my senses relatively quickly. I’ll never be grateful to Drake for anything, but I can admit he played a part in my change of heart.
Leo’s hand moves to cradle my face, his thumb brushing over my skin. “You can do this however you want, but if you decide to do it in person, I’m going with you.”
“I’m not doing it in person.” They don’t deserve it.
Not after essentially cutting me off when they found out I was continuing my relationship with Leo whether they liked it or not.
Honestly, they don’t deserve this information either, but I don’t want to put my Abuela in a position where she has to keep a secret.
She would do it in a heartbeat, but I’m not going to give my mother any reason to put blame on my shoulders.
She’s the one who deserves to carry that shit.
“Do you want me to stay here, or do you want me to give you privacy?” Leo smooths a hand through my hair, his touch gentle and grounding. “Or, I can be the one to call them. Let them be pissed at me instead of you.”
That makes me laugh a little in spite of the way my already touchy stomach is rolling at the thought of calling my parents. “Oh, they are already going to be plenty mad at you.”
My parents love to point the finger at everyone else. They love to pretend their hands are eternally clean and the fault lies everywhere but at their own feet.
“And I appreciate the offer, but I need to be the one to make this phone call.” Not for them. I don’t feel like I need to do anything for them.
This is for myself. To show how far I’ve come. The changes I’ve made. I know there’s plenty more I need to do, but that will come.
And it will come easier without my parents trying to insert themselves into my life at every opportunity.
I look Leo over where he sits beside me on the sofa. “Do you think you can stay calm while I talk to them?”
Leo was aggressively defensive of me even before we discovered the pregnancy. Now I’m pretty sure it’s multiplied by about ten, and if anyone can figure out how to crawl through a phone line to strangle someone, it will be him.
“I’ll be fine.” He tips his head, brows lifting. “I’m not saying I won’t be mentally plotting their demise if they’re shitty to you, but I’ll keep my mouth shut.”
I think that’s fair. Leo’s parents haven’t been half as terrible as mine, but I’m still struggling with the desire to flip each of them in the forehead the next time I see them. I can only imagine how Leo feels considering how awful my parents have been.
And continue to be.
“I guess we should just get this done then.”
My abuela is currently the only person who knows I’m pregnant. We told her almost immediately.
Needless to say she was thrilled. I think she’ll be even more excited when she finds out Leo has hired a remodeling company and is trying to work out a way to add an in-law suite to the house.
Because it turns out I’m not the only person Leo has become exceptionally protective of.
Picking up my cell phone, I take a deep breath and dial my mother’s number, choosing her over my dad simply because I doubt he’ll relay the information to her accurately or in its entirety, and she’ll end up calling me anyway. If I’m going to tell them this, then I’m only going to do it once.
The phone rings enough times that I think it’s going to voicemail, but at the last second my mother answers.
“Hello.” There’s annoyance in her voice. As if I’m a telemarketer calling to ask about her car insurance or claiming she’s got an unpaid tax bill.
I close my eyes, breathing deep. Not so long ago my feelings would’ve been hurt at her callous attitude toward me, but not now.
Now I’m just disgusted. I haven’t even met my baby—it’s basically a tadpole right now—but I can already say with complete certainty I would never treat this child the way my parents have treated me.
It makes me wonder if they ever genuinely wanted kids, or if I was just brought into this world so they would have someone to boss around. Someone to make them feel powerful. Someone to make them feel superior and adored.
“I was just calling to let you know Leo and I are having a baby.” I don’t mince words. I don’t want to drag this out any longer than I absolutely have to. I know many people say blood is thicker than water, but you can drown in either one.
And I’m done sinking.
As expected, my mother immediately flies into what most people would equate to a temper tantrum. I can’t even understand half the words coming out of her mouth as she rants and rages about my poor decisions and stupidity.
At one point in time I would have listened. Felt obligated to sit through the nonsense she’s spewing.
But I don’t now.
“Obviously you have some big feelings to work through about this, but you can do that on your own time. I just wanted to give you a heads up so you weren’t shocked when you saw pictures of Abuela holding a baby.” I hang up, because there’s no reason to continue the call.
Holding my breath, I wait to see if she tries to call back, but as the minutes tick by, that seems less and less likely.
And I’m a little relieved. I don’t want to fight with my parents. There’s no use in it. They will always believe they’re right and innocent and justified. Nothing I can say or do will make them see things any differently.
Does it suck? Yes, but I have my Abuela and I have Leo.
And this fall I will have our baby.
Leo holds me close, tucking my head against his shoulder. “You okay?”
Like his earlier question, I sit with it a minute before answering. “Yeah. I am.” I rock my head back to look at him. “When are you going to tell your parents?”
“Might as well do that tomorrow.” Leo gives me a grin. “If you want, we could go tell Gavin and Alexis tonight. That way we can alternate between excitement and freak outs.”
“Do you really think your sister will be excited?” I wasn’t worried about my parents. I knew they would be upset, but I don’t really give a shit.
I do give a shit about Alexis. Even though the weekend we spent together while Gavin and Leo were at the charity match went completely sideways at the end, I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with her.
I loved sitting with her at the match even if I was about to barf the whole time.
I want us to be friends and I don’t want her to be disappointed or upset over this.
But if Leo’s reaction to my question is any indication, he is not expecting upset from his sister.
With a chuckle, he shakes his head. “I think Alexis is going to be fucking ecstatic to be an auntie.” His smile slips a little.
“Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I should probably call the company doing the remodel and tell them we’ll need a bigger closet in the baby’s room, because Alexis will have half a wardrobe ordered before you hit your second trimester. ”