CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EMERSON
My sister’s voice fills my ears as she moves between Sam and me. I take another step back to catch my breath, needing the space and wondering what just happened.
Sam was about to kiss me. In public. And I think I wanted him to.
My fingers ghost across my lower lip as I imagine him there. The spell is broken when Eve throws her arms around my neck, shattering my fantasy.
“Hi, Em!” Her voice is loud and intrusive when she speaks to me, and she practically knocks me over before letting go. “You haven’t called me back.”
It’s true; I haven’t returned her last two calls. I needed some space from her. And I didn’t want my sister to know of the new affiliation I have with the Hawks or with one of the guys on the team. Particularly Sam. She’s always had a thing for him. And I was sure she would take advantage of my proximity to the player.
Eve turns her back to me to face Sam, her long platinum-blonde hair nearly slapping me in the face. The move tells me that nothing has changed over the years. Eve still carries a torch for Sam. And she still has very little regard for me. It’s my past and my present colliding before my eyes.
My stomach drops when her palm slides up his chest possessively. All I can focus on is the place where she’s touching him even though she’s mostly blocking my view with her body. She’s wearing a tight-fitting tank top and a short skirt even though it’s cold outside. She looks stunning, like always. A bright beam in the dim lighting of the bar.
I know if I glance around, I’ll see more than one pair of eyes on her. And I’m sure if I looked at Sam right now, I’d catch him watching her too. Studying the fullness of her lips, the glow of tan skin, the plump lines of her breasts that are currently spilling from her top. If I was brave enough to peek, I’m sure he’d be stuck with interest, with hunger, while I sit on the sidelines, forgotten. He’ll throw that sexy smirk at her, the one that has all the girls ready to meet him in the deserted back hall of the bar. The same one that will have my sister on her knees before the night is over.
I’m still standing here, but I can feel myself fading into the shadows created by Eve’s shine. She’s always been the honeytrap, catching all the men in her web. She’s the main attraction while I am just … here.
My thoughts start to pull me under, and I suddenly feel sober, like I haven’t had countless drinks tonight. It’s especially unnerving because all I want to be is drunk and clueless right now. The last thing I want is to watch Eve and Sam hit it off like I know they will. I don’t think I can stomach it, though I don’t want to explore the reasons why. I know I’m out of my league. They are two beautiful, deadly professional hit men in a world of amateur marksmen, me included.
I don’t glance at either of them when I turn on my heel and walk toward the back corner. Sam says my name, but I act like I don’t hear him. I don’t want to see the pity in his eyes. Or the dismissal. I don’t want a front-row seat as he struggles to include me now that my bombshell sister is in the picture. And I know Eve forgot me as soon as the hockey player was in her sights.
Sam and I had a moment. That’s all it was.
“I need another shot,” I announce to the table when I arrive, desperate to escape the thoughts inside my head.
A couple of the rugby guys yell out encouragement while another raises his hand to get the waitress’s attention.
My eyes meet Suki’s. She’s studying me from across the table, a furrow between her brows. I stare back, aware that she can see right through me. I have no chance of hiding the confusion and conflicting emotions I feel from my best friend.
I wasn’t expecting the Sam who arrived here tonight. The hand-holding, the flirting. The attention. The rugby guys were showering us with the same attentiveness, but somehow, it was different when it was from Sam. It was like I had been standing in the dark my entire life, and then, bam, his eyes were on me, warming me in a spotlight I never knew I wanted. His awareness is something I never craved before, but now that I’ve had it, even for a brief moment, I understand the pull. Because suddenly, there’s a desire stirring inside of me to have it again. To work for it, even if it means competing with the Eves of the world. The problem is, I’ve never been able to compete with Eve for anything, especially not men.
All that when he barely touched me. I’m a silly, stupid girl.
A shot lands in front of me. Someone toasts. Our glasses meet in the middle of the table, clinking together as some of the liquor spills over a rim. I tap the bottom to the table and throw it down my throat. I no longer taste the burn, reminding me that I’ve had enough for tonight. But it doesn’t stop me. All I want to do is to be irresponsible and someone other than myself right now. And I wonder if this is the snare that Sam got caught in time after time over the years every time the alcohol started flowing.
Was he drinking to forget something or partying to remember? Which one am I trying to do right now?
I wink at the attractive guy that hands me a fruity cocktail, finding comfort in showering attention on a stranger. Someone who means nothing to me and fails to stir up uneasy feelings in the depths of my gut, even though I know I probably shouldn’t accept drinks from a person I don’t know. But the reckless side of me that rarely exists doesn’t care as I sip from the straw, downing half the drink in a couple of swallows.
I don’t let myself glance back across the room even though my mind is still over there. But at some point, Eve ends up by my side anyway.
“What are you doing out?” she asks me, a frustrated pout on her lips as she stares across the bar.
“Girls’ night,” I say vaguely.
“Oh, right.” She nods. “Mads?”
I narrow my eyes at the girl who I once looked up to, realizing she thinks the only reason I ended up at a bar in the middle of the city with the hockey team is because I’m friends with Madison. But Eve’s not paying me close attention anyway, so she fails to notice that I’m offended. Despite my best efforts, I follow her gaze until my eyes land on Sam. He’s standing with a couple of his teammates, a bottle of beer dangling from his fingertips as he laughs at something one of them says. He stands out, even in the middle of a crowd.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her.
She shrugs, her attention still elsewhere. “I heard the Hawks were out tonight.”
My sister follows all the gossip sites online that track the team. They must’ve mentioned this place when the guys were spotted out after the game.
“No,” I continue, crossing my arms over my chest. “I mean, what are you doing over here with me? I thought you’d be halfway to Sam’s place by now.” I don’t add that it’s my place too. Mentioning that would only start a conversation I don’t want to have.
She sighs. “I wish.” She grabs the mixed drink from my hand and takes a sip. “But I don’t think he’s looking for a hookup tonight. He turned me down.”
There’s a smug satisfaction that warms my chest. “What do you mean?”
“I suggested we go back to his place or mine, but he wasn’t into it,” she explains, twisting a piece of hair around her finger. “But I haven’t given up. He can’t resist me forever.”
Eve is looking at Sam like she’s the predator and he’s the prey. A lump forms in my throat. My sister is not one to wallow in defeat. Sam is a challenge, and that only makes him even more of a prize in her eyes.
“I’ll have him by the end of the night,” Eve confirms with the ghost of a smile on her face as I swallow hard.
At least my sister is as oblivious to me, as always. She has no idea how her words are affecting me.
I look away, forcing my eyes to keep moving when they land on Sam again. I don’t want to picture him with Eve. Sam, the guy I almost kissed tonight. The same guy I’m not sure if I like or hate most days, but know I’m not indifferent to. I make an excuse to walk away from my sister.
I go to the restroom and take my time before deciding not to let Eve or Sam dictate my night. I’m going to have a blast even if I’m forced to fake it. This is my night, my celebration of new beginnings. I won’t let them ruin it.
I find myself back in the bar as I go through the motions, faking it until things start to feel fun again. I plaster a huge smile on my face even though I no longer feel very celebratory. I drink more than my weight in alcohol. I dance in the middle of a place that wasn’t meant for busting a move. And I flirt with guys I have no interest in, basking in the attention they give me in return.
The night becomes fuzzier, the later it gets. Memories are hazy inside my head, one blending into the next until I’m not sure which is reality. I feel the graze of a hand on my thigh that I don’t stop. A sloppy kiss from a stranger that lands on my lips when I’m not sure I wanted it.
Suki removes the drink from my hand when I reach for hers. “I love you, Em, but you’ve had enough tonight.”
“Nooo,” I protest, taking it back from her again.
“Yes,” a familiar deep voice insists, stealing it and placing it out of my reach this time.
I glance up into the stormy gray eyes of my roommate. Even through the blur of alcohol, I focus on the handsome lines of his face. The squareness of his jaw that’s clenched, the outline of his lips. And it only makes me madder that he’s so attractive.
“You,” I say, but it doesn’t come out with as much venom as I meant it to.
“Me,” he says, looking over my head at Suki.
“Will you get her home?” my bestie asks.
“I don’t need him to get me home,” I say indignantly.
“Yeah, I got her,” he sighs, reaching for my arm, answering my friend like I don’t exist.
“Why are you two talking about me like I’m not here?” I pout, pulling my arm from his grasp. I look around for Eve, but don’t see her anywhere.
“Because you lost the ability to think coherently about an hour ago,” Suki says. She looks at me pointedly. “We’re going to talk about this tomorrow.”
I glare at her. “Traitor.”
“Let’s go,” Sam says, securing an arm around my waist.
I shrug out of his hold again. He has the audacity to look confused by my vitriol.
I take a few unsteady steps.
“Okay, have it your way,” he mumbles.
The next thing I know, the room is upside down as I’m hanging over his shoulder while he navigates his way through the crowd and out of the bar. I guess it’s good that I wore jeans tonight and not the short skirt Mads wanted me to wear. Otherwise, I’d be flashing half of Chicago right now.
I turn my head to see Eve watching us with her mouth gaping open. But the vision of her disappears from my view as soon as the door shuts behind us.
The sidewalks are mostly deserted at this time of night. The air is rarely still for Chicago, but the chill is still present. At least I have the liquor coursing through my veins to warm me.
“Stop struggling,” Sam demands, gripping the back of my thighs more firmly against his chest. “You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”
I scoff. “That’s rich, coming from you, St. Jude.”
He stiffens for a moment before he recovers, and I almost feel guilty. But then I picture him with Eve, and all the self-reproach fades away.
“Right,” he drawls. “St. Jude … patron saint of lost causes. I haven’t heard that in a while. Seems like that pertains more to you tonight than to me.”
He drops me to my feet so suddenly that I stumble to the ground, landing on my butt.
“You dropped me!” I accuse, my head feeling clearer in the fresh air.
“I told you to stop squirming.”
He starts walking again. I scramble to my feet and catch up with him after a few strides. I rub a spot on my bum even though I’m feeling no pain, and Sam notices.
“Are you hurt?”
“Like you care.”
He stops and turns toward me. “What is with you tonight?”
“One word,” I say, narrowing my eyes. My filter is completely gone as I square up to the hockey player. To be honest, I’ve been waiting for an opening to bring this up ever since he reappeared. Part of me is looking for a fight. “Eve.”
I want to blame him for years of bad blood between me and my sister even though he has nothing to do with it. I want to accuse him of being stereotypical because he always chooses beautiful, vapid, shallow women. I’ve seen them on his arm on the internet, dozens of them. Flawless beauties on the surface, devoid of any real center. Oakley was the exception, but after her, it’s been one meaningless interaction after another.
“Eve.” He shakes his head, searching his memory. He runs a hand through his thick hair. “Okay, I’ll bite. Who’s Eve?”
I roll my eyes and start walking again. “Don’t act like you didn’t notice the beautiful blonde from before.”
He surprises me when he laughs, but it’s laced with frustration and followed by a groan. “There were about a dozen blondes in the bar tonight, Emerson. Just tell me what it is that I did to piss you off. Because I have no clue. We were having a good time until you went frigid on me all of a sudden. And I have no idea why. Is this some sort of alcohol rage?”
“Eve is the girl who came up to us at the bar.” I glance at his profile, the glow from the streetlamp lighting the side of his face. “The gorgeous one. She’s my sister.”
He’s surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me she was your sister?”
I shrug. We turn a corner.
“Now that I think about it … I can see the resemblance,” he says.
I give him an incredulous look. “Which part looks like me? Her light-blonde hair? Or maybe her blue eyes? Or, no, I know what it is … it’s her double-Ds that I didn’t inherit.”
“I don’t think she inherited those either.” He smirks, and he’s right. I’m not surprised that Sam can spot a fake pair of tits just by looking. He grows serious again. “It was the expression on her face. A couple of times, it reminded me of you.”
“I’m sure you weren’t looking at her face,” I quip. “That’s not typically the first thing guys like you notice about her.”
“Guys like me …” he scoffs mirthlessly. “You want to know what I noticed about her? That as soon as she appeared, you ran off. Why is that?”
My eyes are on my feet as I step over a crack in the sidewalk. “I figured you’d take one look at my sister and decide to have fun with her instead. She’s always liked you … it goes all the way back to high school.”
I hate the way the silence drags after I admit that. I despise the way my insecurities are exposed even more as each second ticks by.
“Is that right?” he hums. “That’s funny because we didn’t go to the same high school. And she doesn’t even know me.”
“You don’t know most of the women you sleep with,” I remind him.
He glances over at me. “Are you going to keep throwing my past in my face, or is this a one-night thing?”
I shrug. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“I thought it would be fun, seeing you drunk, but now, I’m not so sure I like it.”
We walk in silence for a few minutes, and I can feel his mind churning from a few feet away. It isn’t the first time someone has called me no fun, but it’s the first time he has.
“Do you want to know the truth, Emerson?”
“I always want the truth, Sam.”
He stares at the side of my face for a few steps. “Are you sure? Because I’m not sure you can handle it.”
“I can handle it,” I say boldly, liquid courage still coursing through my veins.
“The truth is, there’s only one gorgeous woman I was looking at tonight, and she wasn’t blonde.”
“Ahh, another prospect. There are just so many to choose from.” I frown, disappointment I don’t fully understand consuming me all over again. “Why aren’t you going home with her?”
I see his smirk from the side of my eye.
“I am.”
I stop when he does, and we face each other. It’s strangely intimate as he stares at me with an intensity I’ve never felt before. We’re on an empty sidewalk, under the dim lighting of a streetlamp. My stomach is in knots from the rush of his undivided attention. I feel my cheeks start to heat as his meaning sinks in.
His hand reaches up until he’s palming the side of my face. I lean into his touch instinctively. The spicy smell of his cologne wraps around us.
“Why is it that you don’t realize how stunning you are?” he murmurs. “Did your boyfriend never tell you?”
“Ex-boyfriend,” I whisper.
“ Ex - boyfriend,” he clarifies with a crooked smile. “Because you have to know that you were the most intoxicating, most beautiful woman in the room tonight. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.”
My mind has cleared some on the walk home, and I’m glad that I’ll remember this tomorrow. I don’t want to forget the way Sam’s looking at me right now. The way that my stomach flipped with his latest confession. Or knowing that every woman at that bar was dying for Sam’s stormy eyes to be focused on them tonight, including my sister, but here he is, staring at me. I feel like I’ve won a prize. But he’s right; I probably won’t be able to handle his truth in the light of day without a drink to numb my emotions. And somehow, everything that has happened tonight feels like a dream. It doesn’t feel real.
Our eyes are still connected. He’s standing so close that his breath warms my face. My hands slide up his chest until I’m fisting his shirt. He’s leaning in. There’s no one around to interrupt this time. Not my sister. Not the thoughts in my head. Not rational thinking.
And then he kisses me.
It’s slow at first, almost a teasing touch. I’m not expecting Sam to be as gentle as he is. He nips my lower lip and tugs, licking it in the next instant. I open wider and really taste him as he dives deeper, his tongue sliding against mine. I don’t know if it’s the haze of alcohol or the surprising twists of the night, but I find myself getting lost in our kiss. Lost in him. Someone I never had an interest in before. And someone I never thought would notice a girl like me.
When he finally pulls back, I take a deep breath, and my forehead falls to his chest. I’m elated and terrified, all at once. Because way down deep, in the depths of my chest and stomach, I felt them for the first time.
Butterflies. Hundreds of them.
They were followed by fireworks.
And now that I know that they really exist, nothing will ever be the same. I’ll never be able to settle for comfortable again.