31. Leaving You
31
Leaving You
WINTER
“So, that’s it?” Standing in the doorway, I carefully eye the heartbreaking scene in front of me. Haze, shoving clothes into the suitcase on his bed. The shirt he’s holding slips out of his hand when he sees me. He clearly wasn’t expecting me. But what exactly did he expect? He’s not the only one with an opinion on this. If this is really the end, if he’s really giving up on us, I have things to say, too.
The second I finished his letter, I got up, got dressed, and stormed out of my house, no second thought. I knew I had to see him, give him a piece of my mind before he vanished from my life forever. I took a lucky guess and headed straight for Vic’s place. I didn’t let myself break down on the way over. Didn’t shed one tear. Why? Because I wasn’t sad.
I was furious.
And I knew I had to hold on to this anger as tightly as I could. Next will be the ugly crying phase, and I don’t know how long I have. Some might say I’m only trying to have the last word here, and… to that I say, damn right, I am. There’s no way he gets to leave with all that power. He’s always the one fucking it all up. After all the sacrifices I’ve made for him. No fucking way he gets to think he left poor heartbroken Winter behind.
The door was unlocked, and Vic’s truck wasn’t out front. I’m glad I have him alone for this.
“A letter?” I hold up the envelope in my hand, and his eyes follow the movement. “I don’t even deserve better than a letter?” My voice flickers.
Shit, what happened to all that anger?
“Winter, I—”
“Don’t. You already said what you had to say. It’s my turn.” I fuel my courage with a deep breath.
He presses his lips into a line.
“You were right,” I tell him.
Silence.
“You are an asshole.”
He chews on the inside of his cheek and looks down.
“And a mess. And oh so fucking damaged. But you know what else you are?” I unfold the sheet of paper in my hand and reread his goodbye. “A coward.”
Don’t cry.
Don’t cry.
Five more minutes.
“And you want to know what the worst part is?” My eyes dart to his. “I would’ve accepted all of it if it meant I got to be with you.”
“Winter, I—”
“Haze, please. Just… Let me say it.”
He clamps his mouth shut.
“I trusted you. Even after everything you put me through, after you ripped my heart right out of my chest and stepped on it, I would’ve taken you back without question. I was such a fool for you I accepted that you were part of the reason my father almost died and now this ?” I can barely breathe. “You abandon me with nothing but a letter? Seriously? I mean, for fuck’s sake, Haze, did you ever love me at all?” I only notice how loud I’m being when I finish speaking.
He frowns. “What? How can you even ask that? Don’t you get it? I’m doing this precisely because I love you. I love you more than anything.”
Not more than your revenge.
Not more than you hate him.
“I know you genuinely believe that. And that’s exactly what makes it so sad. You don’t. This isn’t love. Love isn’t destroying everything you built with someone because you’re afraid. Because you’d rather just ruin everything yourself than risk for life to take it away from you. The way it took your sister… That’s just what you do, Haze. You sabotage your own happiness. You’ll never let yourself be happy. You can’t.” My throat is so sore it hurts. “ You don’t know how… ”
He doesn’t say a word, but I can tell my speech hurt him. I cross the remaining distance between us and rest a hand on his cheek for the last time. His eyes close at the touch, and my anger is swapped with heart-squeezing sadness.
Defeated, I let myself cry. Really cry. I let the tears cascade down my face uncontrollably. He winces but doesn’t look away. Good. I want him to see what he did to me. What he did tous. So that one day, when he meets another girl— the right girl —he’ll be the man I wanted him to be.
“I love you. So much.” I choke on a sob. “But I’m done chasing you. This is toxic. We’re toxic.”
Saying it out loud feels just as liberating as it feels excruciating. I needed to say this forme. Not for him, not for anyone else: me . I needed to get these words out of my system. So that, one day, down the road, I can gethimout, too.
His eyes widen. This isn’t how he expected this moment to go. I bet he thought I’d come bawling my eyes out and beg him to stay. Sorry, not this time.
“You did it, Haze. You finally convinced me. You’re right.”
My hand leaves his cheek.
“I deserve better than you.”
His mouth drops.
No reply, not even a word. He just steps backward like I shot five arrows straight into his heart.
Finally, a tear rolls down his face.
I turn away. Just two more steps before I reach the door. Two more steps before the end. I could never admit it to myself before, but I can now.
Sometimes, things just have to stay broken.
No matter how bad you wish they didn’t.
No matter how far you’d go to fix them.
You can’t give CPR to someone who’d rather drown.
And there comes a moment in life, one inevitable, heartbreaking, soul-crushing moment… where all that’s left to do is drop the pieces on the ground, watch as they shatter one by one, and walk the hell away.
“So, no. You’re not leaving me, Haze. Not this time…”
I open the door and give him one last look over my shoulder.
“This time, I’m leavingyou.”