Chapter 16
Maria had learned to look forward to visiting her brother and his wife, and today would be no different.
Even though she had spent most of her life as a stranger to both of them, somehow they had finally begun to grow on her.
Violet stood when Maria entered.
“Maria,” she said, arms already out. “You’re a sight for a tired day.”
Maria could only blush in response.
“What a sweet thing to say, that,” she replied, wrapping the woman in her embrace.
“Not sweeter than yourself, surely,” Violet replied. “Sit, please. I shall love to speak to you.”
Maria sat down, feeling herself warm immediately by the affection that was being extended towards her.
This is what it feels like to have family surround you.
“You look as if you’ve been thinking,” Violet said after a moment. She had been observing Maria diligently.
“Only a little,” Maria said, taking the cup Violet poured.
“A little or a lot, both are fine with me,” Violet laughed gently. “Would you like to share your thoughts?”
“Only if you promise to keep them to yourself,” Maria said, biting down on her lip.
“Oh, so it is a secret?” Violet asked.
“Not a secret, per se,” Maria pursed her lips, “but perhaps, you may think of it as something that is close to my heart and that I should like to keep it closely wrapped. If that makes any sense to you.”
“It means that you must care about the subject deeply,” Violet began to nod in understanding.
To that, Maria could not argue. Yes, she did care about the subject deeply. It would not be a lie to say that.
“Shall I guess the subject? He is tall, impossible, and answers to the name Stephen?”
Despite herself, Maria’s mouth twitched.
“I wondered if I’d grown readable,” she muttered under her breath, feeling embarrassed at how quickly Violet had been able to read her.
“To those who love you, entirely.” Violet’s tone softened, “Now, tell me what it is you wish to talk about the duke?”
Violet was watching Maria again in that careful way. It made her feel entirely too vulnerable, and suddenly she felt as though her throat would close up.
“Hmm?” Violet prompted gently.
“What if...” Maria struggled to let out the words. “Well, what if I told you that I would prefer if we did not discuss him?”
Violet shot her a puzzled look.
“But if it is him on your mind, it would be fair to assume that you would want to discuss him?” she said. “You are suggesting that this is not the case?”
“Indeed,” Maria slowly grasped Violet’s hand. “Think of it as a favor that you are bestowing upon me by letting me feel distracted.”
She did not mention that she always had him on her mind, and therefore, it was a relief not to think about him for only a few moments.
“Well,” Violet considered her words with some seriousness. “What is it that you would want to discuss with me instead?”
“Other things,” Maria admitted, eyes on the rim of her cup. The words pressed hard at her throat. She let a breath go and tried again. “Anything else would be fine, truly. Tell me, what is it that fills your days lately?”
Violet thought over the words for a minute. Maria was worried that she might push again, but the words that came out of her mouth next eased her worries.
“In earnest, motherhood is the one thing that consumes most of my time lately,” she said. A look of wistfulness overcame her eyes as she spoke, and it was immediately clear to Maria that it meant a great deal to her. “Would that be something that you’re interested in hearing about?”
“Absolutely,” Maria replied so quickly that she even surprised herself by her eagerness.
She did not know that the topic interested her so, but very well. It is what it is.
“Well,” Violet smiled sweetly. “It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, similar to what it was like falling in love with Nicholas.”
Ah. Love.
The word stopped like a thorn in Maria’s throat, and she composed herself.
“And did you always know that it…” she paused to gather her own thoughts, “well, that it was always right for you?”
“I cannot say that my own journey was not without difficulties,” she replied.
“I find that hard to believe,” Maria said.
“Why is that?” A wistful look overcame her face.
“Well, for one thing, Nicholas and you are very much in love with one another. I doubt that the two of you had issues. There seems to be no indication of it.”
“It has been a while since we have been together,” Violet reminded her. “And if you wish for me to be truly earnest, then I must tell you it was difficult for me at the beginning to understand Nicholas.”
“Unbelievable,” Maria said again. “I am certain that he must have pursued you to the ends of the earth at your first meeting.”
“You are assuming quite a lot,” Violet laughed. “In earnest, Nicholas and I were not immediately comfortable around each other when we married. He had his own, well, it seems strange to say now, but his own rakish past that I had to find a way around.”
Maria’s mouth nearly dropped open.
Nicholas, a rake? No, she could hardly believe it. Granted, she had gotten to know him quite late in life, but the very image of him being interested in anyone that was not Violet made her jitter.
“You think I am making things up?” Violet said, still laughing. “It seems to me that your perceptions of love come from romance novels, and not real life.”
“I am not quite sure what my own perceptions of love are,” Maria admitted, a bit sadly now. “But yes, I would think that if things are going to work out, they must work out immediately or else what is the use in trying?”
“That is a limited way of thinking about things,” Violet said. “And in time, you will come to see that too, even if you do not right now.”
“And will you tell me what made him change?” Maria was genuinely curious now.
“He learned. The way people do, if they are loved and asked to be better. I watched him become a father, and it remade him.”
Maria considered that. The room felt very still.
“Sometimes I think I want that,” she said, quiet but sure. “Not simply a husband, but a home.”
It was the first time that Maria had ever admitted such a desire out loud, let alone to herself, than to anyone else in the world.
Violet set her cup aside and reached for Maria’s fingers. “Then you want something good,” she said simply. “There is no shame in that.”
“I used to believe wanting made me troublesome.” Maria’s gaze dropped.
“It makes you alive.” Violet’s mouth bent wryly. “And occasionally troublesome, which is not a sin.”
“I am still learning that, unfortunately,” Maria said.
Every now and then, she got this sense that there was more life to be experienced than the one that she had gotten so far.
Yes, there was more life than what she had seen in the nunnery. She got glimpses of it every now and then. Evening the feeling of love, god forbid if she was even in love, felt like a new experience.
And then, the heartbreak that would surely follow. Yes, that would be a new feeling too, entirely. However, Maria was not sure if she wanted to experience that part.
“You will learn,” Violet said. “All in due time, I say. Things have worked out well for you so far, and I am certain that they will continue to do so.”
“I am not so sure about that,” Maria muttered under her breath.
But before they could continue their conversation, the door burst open before Maria could answer, and a small figure hurtled in.
“Mama!”
Violet’s entire face lit. “Sir,” she said gravely as her son flung himself into her skirts. “Have you tamed the beast?”
“He flies,” Henry declared, presenting the wooden horse for inspection. “I made him. With oats.”
“Oats are a notorious aid to aviation,” Violet agreed solemnly, lifting him to her hip. “Say hello to your Aunt Maria.”
The boy turned, “Aunt M’ria.”
Maria’s chest tightened.
“Hello, Henry,” she managed, and offered a fingertip. He considered, then patted it.
It occurred to Maria then that it brought her so much joy to interact with this little human being. A small part of her began to wonder what it would be like to have one of her own.
A mix of her and Stephen, running around the estate, causing havoc just like this.
Her heart strained, and she steadied herself immediately.
It would be foolish to hope. All too foolish.
Bootsteps sounded, and Nicholas appeared. He took in the scene and smiled, something unguarded moving across his features when he looked at his wife and child together.
“So this is where the cavalry made its stand.”
“Your son has invented flight,” Violet said. “I recommend you immediately fund an aviary of oats.”
Nicholas stepped close to kiss Violet’s temple before addressing the boy. “Is your mother telling the truth?”
Henry nodded eagerly and showed him his creation. Maria’s heart tightened yet again at the heartfelt moment between the two.
Hope.
Nicholas turned to Maria. “You are well?”
“Yes,” Maria said, a little shy still but warmed by his concern. “You seem… busy.”
“Stay for dinner, if you like,” Nicholas replied. “It is always lovely to see you, of course.”
“Tempting,” Maria said, and meant it.
Henry, having conquered an Ottoman, galloped back and presented the wooden horse to Nicholas. “Again.”
“General,” Nicholas said, scooping him up, “your troops need sustenance.” He glanced at Violet. “Permission to requisition a biscuit?”
“Granted,” Violet said. “One.”
“Two?” Nicholas raised a brow.
“One,” Violet repeated.
Nicholas winked at Maria and carried the boy away in search of negotiated biscuits. Their laughter faded down the corridor, leaving a bell-like echo. Maria’s fingers loosened around her cup without her noticing.
Violet watched her.
“You see it,” she said softly.
“Yes,” Maria breathed. She could not lift her eyes for a moment; the ache was too tender. “It looks… easy.”
“We have gotten here after a lot of trying,” Violet reminded Maria, though she still found it difficult to accept.
“I can only try to imagine that. The… trying again.” She swallowed. “I want it. That isn’t foolish?”
“It is brave,” Violet said. She hesitated. “Stephen is a complicated man. But I have seen the way he watches you when you do not know he is looking.”
“You have?” Maria startled.
“Even Nicholas has noticed,” Violet said dryly.
“He is attentive. And then very far away,” Maria said. “It is confusing to me.”
Violet’s eyes were kind.
“If you wish for a family, say so aloud. To yourself first. Then to him. It is harder to abandon a desire once it has a voice.”
“I am afraid he will not want it,” Maria said, sitting very still.
“You are also afraid that he will.” Violet’s smile was rueful. “Both fears are ordinary.”
The door opened again. Nicholas returned with Henry.
“Conquest complete,” he reported. “Two biscuits, one of them imaginary.”
“Imaginary biscuits are my favorite,” Violet said. “They make no crumbs.”
Nicholas leaned to press his cheek to hers, and the unselfconsciousness of it undid Maria utterly. She stood and crossed to the window to hide the sudden bright heat in her eyes.
It’s possible for them. Why could it not be possible for me?
Nicholas lowered Henry into the nurse’s arms and walked out of the room.
“Stay,” Violet said to Maria, again, “It would be nice.”
Maria looked from Violet to the corridor that led toward Nicholas’s study. She had come for a conversation about motherhood. Another conversation waited behind a different door.
“Nicholas is in his study,” Violet said, understanding perfectly. “Would you wish to go to him?”
“I do not wish to disturb him.”
“He is your brother,” Violet said immediately. “I don’t think he will be disturbed. Quite the opposite, if anything. He will be overjoyed with your presence. He speaks of you often.”
“Does he?” Maria said. It was still such a strange thing to her to be considered.
“You don’t have to do everything today,” Violet said. “But if you want to, you can.”
Maria stood. Her knees felt less uncertain than they had in weeks. She slipped her hands into one another and looked at Violet.
“I shall take your advice.”
Maria mustered up the last of her courage and decided to speak to Nicholas.
At the study door, she paused. Her heart tapped fast; her palm felt damp against the knob, and then she knocked.
“Come,” Nicholas called.