Chapter 27
Nicholas escorted her back to the estate, like a true gentleman. There was not much conversation between the two of them on the way. Stephen followed behind closely on his own mare.
When they finally reached the estate, Nicholas had a look of relief on his face.
“You are in your home now,” he said once they had unmounted. “I will make sure that Rondell gets what he deserves. He will never bother you again.”
“Oh, he is never going to live another day as a free man,” Stephen interrupted. “I will make sure of it.”
“Thank you,” was the only thing she could say to these two men who cared for her so.
After an entire life of being mostly neglected, it felt like a welcome change.
“Shall I come in?” Nicholas asked, suddenly hesitant.
“Violet must be worried for you,” Maria managed a faint smile. “Go home, Nicholas.”
“I just want to make sure you are okay,” He frowned.
“I will take care of that,” Stephen assured him and shook his hand. “I am beyond grateful for the assistance that you provided today. If you had not told me in time, I would not have known and would have blamed myself infinitely.”
Nicholas nodded at him once and then turned to his sister again. He searched her face. “Does it pain you?”
“Yes,” she said frankly. “But it shall fade with time.”
“You are certain you do not want me to stay?”
“I want to speak to my husband,” she answered, “Just Stephen and I.”
Nicholas nodded once, as if receiving orders that he could not refuse.
“Very well. I will ride to Havenford and relieve Violet before she comes here herself.”
“Tell her I am…” Maria hesitated. The word well caught in her throat. “Tell her I am safe.”
“I will,” he said, squeezing her hand. “Send word when you like. If you do not send word, I shall appear anyway.”
“I know,” she murmured.
They watched Nicholas make his exit, and then Stephen guided her inside the estate. He was watching her every step, as though she were a glass doll that would break at any moment.
“I am not so fragile, you know,” she said to him.
“I am not taking any more chances,” he sighed. “In fact, I am considering whether I need to hire bodyguards.”
“Oh, please. Nothing of the sort,” she said, though her heart warmed at how protective he was being towards her. “You should be fine, I think. To keep me safe.”
As they entered, the butler greeted them. He looked a bit confused at the state of the Duchess, but did not ask anything.
“Your Grace,” he said to Maria and then “Your Grace,” again, to Stephen.
“Thank you,” she said. “Elinor?”
“In your rooms, ma’am.”
“Have her prepare some hot water and a cloth for her,” Stephen instructed. “You should get cleaned up.”
“I would rather speak to you first,” Maria replied. “It would be better.”
“Are you certain?”
She only nodded, and that was the only confirmation that Nicholas needed. He took her by the hand and guided her upstairs to his study.
She thought about the last conversation that they had here, and winced.
“It’s fine now,” he said to her. “We do not need to go through all this pain any longer.”
“I am trying to be optimistic,” she smiled. She noticed that his demeanor had changed completely now.
He was no longer the murderous Stephen she had encountered. In fact, he looked largely nervous.
“You must have ridden like a madman,” she said to lighten the mood.
“I did, and I would do it again.”
“I did not thank you earlier,” She nodded once, accepting the truth as it came.
“Do not,” he said at once. “If you thank me for finding you, I shall…” he closed his eyes a moment, “I shall not tolerate it.”
“Very well.”
“Can I…” He was glancing at her cheek. She nodded, and his touch was careful, the faintest graze of a thumb at the edge of the bruise.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “For this and for everything that led to this. I should not have pushed you to a point where you had to make the decision to leave. It was my responsibility, and it feels as though I failed you in that moment.”
“There is no need for an apology,” she said immediately.
“Yes, there is,” Stephen replied. “I shall never make the mistake of pushing you away again. It only gives men like Owen the chance to hurt those that I love.”
She felt the sentence take root.
“Those you love,” she repeated, very quietly.
His hand trembled against her cheek. He stepped back a fraction, swallowed, and squared himself.
“I am afraid,” he said, “that if I begin, I will not stop.”
“Begin anyway,” she said.
He drew a breath that seemed to cost him.
“I am sorry,” he said again, slowly, “When I heard you were missing, my mind broke. I thought I had sent you away the night we argued, and now the world had taken you at my word and done it properly. I stood in my father’s house and felt the walls closing, and all I could think was, If she dies, none of this will matter anymore. ”
She stood quite still and let the words do the work he meant them to do.
“When I found you,” he went on, “and saw your wrists and your cheek, there was a moment where I believed I would not be able to stop until the room was all blood. I stopped because you said my name. If you had not…. Well, then. Owen would not have lived to see another day. I am not proud of that man. But he belongs to me, and I will not pretend he isn’t in the room. ”
“Thank you,” she said. It was flattering, if anything, in a strange way. He was willing to kill for her.
“Good. Then let me be honest in the thing I have most poorly done.” His gaze flicked toward the mantel, where the portrait, “I told you my vow mattered more than you. I made it in a sick, angry room, and I clung to it. When you talked about children, it hurt us both. Since then, I’ve realized what I called ‘faithfulness’ was really punishment.
I kept myself from happiness because I thought I deserved to be unhappy.
I believed if I suffered enough, life would make sense.
And when I thought I’d lost you, I learned the worst punishment isn’t living apart in the same house, it’s you not being in the world with me at all. ”
She remained silent, but her heart was beating wildly in her chest.
“I am sorry,” he said. “I should never have made that decision for you.”
Go on, she wanted to say.
“If you want to leave me, if you want a divorce, I’ll sign. I’ll make it easy,” he said. “But I want you, and I want a life with you.”
Her breath hitched. She never thought that she would hear those words from him in her lifetime.
“I wanted it so much that I let fear rule me and told myself I mustn’t,” he went on, “If you can’t forgive that, I’ll understand. If you can, I will spend the rest of my life keeping one promise only, my promise to you.”
Maria didn’t answer him with more words. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. He let out a breath and folded her in, holding her as if she might slip away if he didn’t. After a moment, she leaned back and touched his face with both hands.
“I was very angry with you,” she said, “I still feel a little of it. But I understand why you did it. I know where it came from.”
“I hurt you,” he said. “I hate that.”
“You did,” she said. “And I said things that hurt you, too.”
“Nothing you said wasn’t earned.”
“We were both scared.”
“But I was acting like a coward.”
“You were a man with a wound,” she corrected softly. “Listen to me. I don’t want to push you. I don’t want to force you into anything you aren’t ready for just to make me feel better. I want us to move together, not drag each other.”
“Say what you want, plainly,” He swallowed. “And I shall move the ends of the earth to give it to you.”
“I want a family,” she said. “I always have. But I want you more than I want the idea of a family. If it takes time, we will take time. If we try and have to wait, we will wait. I choose you first.”
He closed his eyes. A tear slipped out; he caught it with the heel of his hand and almost laughed at himself.
“You’re better than I deserve.”
She leaned in and kissed that tear away.
“I told you, no more sentences that start that way.” Then she kissed his mouth.
It felt like their first kiss, but better. It was one that was full of love.
When they parted, he rested his forehead against hers.
“I love you,” he said, “I love you, Maria.”
“I love you, Stephen. I loved you while I was furious with you, but even more when I am not.”
“That seems unfair. You love me even when I deserve it least.”
“That’s usually when people need it most,” she said. “You came and saved me, too.”
His jaw tightened at the memory.
“I wanted to tear the world apart.” He nodded, then frowned at her wrists. “We should tend these.” He lifted one hand, turning it to see the angry red marks. He kissed the inside of her wrist and then the other, very lightly, and she felt something in her chest settle.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
He looked back at her cheek. “And this?”
“It will fade,” she said. “It already stings less.”
“Still,” he said, “I am going to ask Elinor for a cloth and for something cold. She will scold me for letting you out of my sight. I will deserve it.”
“She will also feed you soup,” Maria said, “You will deserve that, too.”
“I would like to make a few promises, plain ones.”
“Go on,” she said.
“I will eat breakfast with you every day I am in this house.”
“Agreed,” she said.
“I will stop working late and come find you.”
“Good,” she said.
“I will walk with you after dinner, even if it’s only to the end of the corridor and back.”
“Yes.”
“And when we are ready,” he said carefully, “we will try for a child.”
She nodded, tears flowing down her face now.
“And if it doesn’t happen at once,” he added, “we will still be us.”
“Thank you,” she said. “That is what I needed to hear.”
He drew her close again. They stood quietly for a while, just breathing the same air.
“There’s one promise I want to make, too,” she spoke again.
“I’m listening,” he said.
“If the old fear comes back, I want you to say it out loud to me. Even if it sounds foolish. Especially then. Don’t let it grow in silence. Give me the chance to answer it.”
“I will. And if the waiting hurts you, you’ll say that to me.”
“I will,” she said. “I won’t hide it to spare you.”
He touched her chin, tilting her face up. “You are the bravest person I know.”
“Then we fit,” she said. “You need bravery, and I need truth.”
He kissed her again, deeper this time. When they parted, the lines of worry around his eyes looked softer.
“Do you want to sit?” he asked. “Or should we send for Elinor?
Maria laughed. “Let’s sit first, and you can hold my hand while you tell me what you will say to Violet in your letter.”
“Every truth,” he said.
“She will march anyway,” Maria said.
“True,” he admitted.
They sat together on the small settee by the window. He kept her hand in his, thumb tracing idle circles against her skin. After a minute, she leaned her head on his shoulder.
“I thought I had lost you,” she said.
“I thought the same,” he said. “I do not think it now.”
“Nor do I,” she said.
“Let’s get you cleaned up now.” He stood. “And then give you nourishment. Bread. Soup. And something sweet.”
“You hate sweets.”
“I’m learning to like what you like,” he said, and kissed her brow.
This moment felt perfect.
“I love you,” he said again into her hair, quiet and sure.
“I love you,” she said back, smiling.
They did not solve every problem. They did not need to. They had time now, and each other.