21
To Tean’s surprise, the sun was going down when they got out of the station. He knew they’d been held for hours, but it still seemed strange for the day to have evaporated like that. Jem insisted on driving, so as they headed west across the basin, he called Daniel.
“Where are you?” the boy asked. “You’ve been gone all day.”
“We’re on our way home. I’m sorry; it wasn’t supposed to take that long. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you eat something?”
The noise that came across the line was probably an affirmative.
“What about dinner?”
“Jem gave me enough money. We walked to Panda Express.”
“Is Scipio being good?”
“He takes up the whole couch.”
For some reason, that made Jem smile.
“We’ll be home in a couple of hours,” Tean said. “I’ll call your parents and let them know we’re going to be late getting you home.”
“It’s too late. Why can’t I go back tomorrow?”
“Because you shouldn’t miss school.”
“It’s fine. We’re not doing anything in my classes right now. And then it would be the weekend, and you can take me to gay prom, and then I’ll go back next week.”
“We can talk about it when we get home.”
“Oh my God, this is so fucking unfair!”
And before Tean could reply, Daniel disconnected.
“That sounded like it went well,” Jem said.
“He wants to stay another night. And through the weekend.”
“No way. I need that kid out of the house so we can go back to banging.”
“It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he stayed for a few more nights.”
“Yes. It would. He’s going home. And what the hell are you doing? I just heard you tell him he couldn’t stay.”
“I’m just saying, one night isn’t really a hardship.”
“This is being sex negative.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is. You’re trying to turn off the tap.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Turn the tap back on, Tean.”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about now.”
“Turn it on!”
Somehow, Tean found himself laughing as he put his phone away. He found Jem’s hand on the steering wheel and wrapped his fingers around it.
“I want dick,” Jem said.
“I know.”
“Tonight.”
“We’ll see.”
They drove for a while in silence.
“Are you okay?” Jem asked.
“Yes. Are you? Oh my gosh, Jem, you fell. Did you hurt yourself?”
“No, dummy. I’m fine. I meant, you know. Everything.” And then, as though clarifying, “It was a lot.”
The sun had disappeared behind the mountains, but the last light still glowed behind the ridges, an orange deepening to red. The basin slipped into shadow.
“It was a lot,” Tean said in answer. “They don’t just kill them, Jem. They torture them.”
“I saw.”
“It’s like you said. He must hate gay people.”
“Well, he’s definitely fucked up,” Jem said. “I mean, his stepdad screwed with his head. But he’s also psycho, Tean. People can be screwed up by their parents and still be psycho.”
Tean surprised himself with another laugh.
“I guess that’s true. I don’t know what’s more awful.
I was upset because I thought maybe there was no explanation for why Kai did the things he did.
But then we learned about his stepdad, and that was worse.
I hate knowing that those kinds of things happen.
I thought maybe they’d feel like an explanation, like I could understand how he could do those kinds of things to people, but I don’t know…
It’s like you said, I guess. He’s really fucked up. ”
“Swear jar.”
Tean smiled, but it faded quickly.
“Maybe we just won’t ever know,” Jem said. “I mean, people study this kind of thing, serial killers and all that. But they don’t ever know, you know? Not really.”
“Maybe not.”
“Do you need to know?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s worse, somehow, knowing all the things that happened to him, but still not knowing what could make a person do those kinds of things.
It’s terrifying, actually. That something so horrible could happen, and we only explain part of it.
It makes me think there is something out there.
Something evil. That it’s real, and it exists, and you can’t explain it or understand it or rationalize it away. ”
“Do you remember when you told me that evil was just a chain of consequences?” Jem’s voice had a slightly wry twist. “Something like that.”
“I do.” Tean sighed and put his head on Jem’s shoulder. “I miss that Tean. That Tean had all the answers.”
“I loved that Tean,” Jem said. He kissed Tean’s forehead. “But you know what? I think I love this one more.”
“This one is scared all the time. And nothing makes sense to him. And he feels like he’s letting you down because therapy is taking a long time, and he’s not really getting anywhere.”
“This Tean,” Jem said, “is out here in the middle of this fucking thing we call life, and he’s doing it the best he can, just like the rest of us, and it’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“I do. And babe, why are you worried about therapy? What’s the rush? There’s nowhere we’re trying to get.”
“We’re trying to get home,” Tean said, because the joke felt easier than responding to what Jem was really saying.
“We are home, doc. This is it. You and me. Home.”
The mountains were growing ahead of them, and the last bit of day was gone—nothing but a cinder-line along the peaks. And they drove into the darkness.
“I love you too,” Tean said. “Are you okay?”
“I thought we already went over this,” Jem said with a laugh.
Tean didn’t answer at first. He traced Jem’s hand. His knuckles. The ones that were bruised and scraped from the punches he’d thrown the other night.
Jem must have been thinking along the same lines. He shifted, not quite pulling his hand out from under Tean’s touch, but readjusting it, like he was fighting the urge to move. “I’m good, babe. Just a weird headspace the last few days.”
And it wasn’t a lie; most of the time, now, Tean could recognize a lie.
But it wasn’t the truth either.