Chapter 50
fifty
It happens without warning.
Cait’s doing things she did before. Things we did before. We’re having the same conversations, sharing the same jokes, and the same smiles. And not fake smiles. Real ones. Some of the things are subtle, other indications are blaring. Are her memories returning?
When she called me SpongeBob, did she remember she gave me that nickname?
When she asked me for a one-night stand, no strings, did she remember she asked me once before?
When she flipped her sweater over her head and handed it to me, leaving herself half-naked, did she remember she stood in our kitchen and did the same?
Does she remember where she got the band T-shirt she wears all the time?
“Why are you here when Cait’s in your apartment, sleeping in your bed?” Linden yells as he steps out of his kitchen holding a glass tumbler. He crosses to the fireplace and lifts a poker to reposition a log in the raging fire.
“I don’t know.” I lean forward, propping my elbows on my knees while shaking my head.
I don’t know anything anymore. When she moved back, I told myself I would let her be and give her space.
She wanted a new life. I told myself I could and should give her that.
With all she’s been through, life owed her that little thing.
But now? Something’s changed. It’s like some kind of fucking flame’s been lit in her mind. And that little flame is a flicker of the Cait I used to know. Could it one day roar like the fire before me?
I cried like a baby the night she kissed me in my kitchen.
My insides burst with happiness when I suspected she might be remembering.
Even after her wistful gazes, I didn’t dare to hope, but she continued repeating the life we shared together.
Every single thing has rooted me back into the world we used to share.
“Go back to her, Evan. I’m kicking you out,” he says.
I don’t move.
Linden lifts the poker and points the tip at me. “If you’re not out of here in ten seconds, I’m calling the police.”
I sigh and consider letting him do it. Being locked in jail might be the best way to keep me from her. It worked before, why not now?
He digs his cell out of his pocket and shakes it.
I groan and stand, then grab my coat and leave without another word. Soon, I’m back home and unlocking my front door.
Despite the fact she’s been throwing herself at me, I shouldn’t be doing this.
I know what will happen if she wakes and finds me here, but I can’t help it anymore.
I’ve been waiting to be close to her for years.
What if this is the one chance I have to be with her again, and I don’t take it?
Just like I didn’t the last day we were together?
The lights pop on and she stands in the hallway in a tiny tank-and-shorts set, ready to bust me in the head with a baseball bat signed by the entire Cubs team. It’s the one she gave me on our second Christmas.
“Evan! Jesus, you scared me.”
“Sorry.” I raise my hands.
She relaxes and sets the bat aside, looking relieved. “What are you doing here? I thought you were staying with a friend.”
“I went to stay with Linden, but he kicked me out.” I twist off my scarf, take off my jacket, and toss them on a chair.
“Why? What the hell did you do?”
“Let’s say he decided to entertain.” It’s a partial truth. Viv was on her way over when I arrived. No telling if they were planning a fight or sex. Probably both.
“He kicked you out for a booty call?” She laughs, and my insides flip at the sight of her cheeks. A real smile.
“Not quite. I texted you, but when you didn’t answer, I thought I could sneak in and crash on the couch without waking you. Sorry. I can stay at a hotel.”
Tell me to leave. Tell me to get out of here.
“No, of course not. I’ll go. It’s your place.” She picks up her bag, and I react.
“Stay.” I place a hand on her arm, and a million goose bumps spread over her beautiful skin from our point of contact.
“Um, okay.” She pauses, looking thoughtful. “Listen, I’ve been wrong to throw myself at you. It wasn’t fair. Obviously, it’s not something I normally do. It’s not something I’ve ever done.”
Inside, I want her to know the truth. You have done it before. You remember, and you don’t even realize it. You’re coming back to me.
“You seem to be pretty damn good at it,” I joke. I need to make her comfortable, assure her it’s okay.
“Except for the part where I was denied—twice.” She laughs.
“I didn’t. I mean, I did.” This is the part that’s hard. Explaining why I’ve made the choices I have. Since she returned, I tried to do right by her and give her a new beginning without allowing our past to color it.
“Even though we do what we do,” I pause, “you don’t know anything about me. I have a past.” We have one together.
“I guess that’s the whole point of a hookup. We don’t need to know much about each other. One night we’re lovers, the next back to doing what we do.”
At this, I tell her what I’ve wanted to. I tell her the truth, even if it’s the tiniest sliver of the entire picture.
“The truth is, Cait, I do want you. Very badly.”
There’s a tension-filled pause. Her eyes widen and lock on mine.
“So take me,” she whispers.
My heart completely stops. I freeze for a moment, and I do something I don’t want to.
I decide right here we can be together for tonight.
It can’t reach beyond this. What’s between us can never grow into more because I don’t want to lie to her further.
If we shared a life together in the present, I could never keep the truth from her.
And if she learned the truth, she would hate me.
There are so many years between what we were and are now; I don’t want to break her heart.
After tonight, I’ll be that nobody she hooked up with once who lives in her building.
She’ll never know more. After tonight, she can move on like nothing’s happened.
I can’t say I’ll do the same, but at least I’ll have the chance to say good-bye.
This could be the closure I’ve needed, one last time to be near her, and know it’s finally over.
“One night. That’s all it can be. The other thing I said was true. Even if I want more, I can’t. It’ll only be tonight,” I lay out my offer.
“One night,” she says.
I step forward to do the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I lift my hand and trace a finger over her skin. She trembles beneath my touch.
My hands, soft on her skin, rediscover all the sensitive spots I remember from before.
I take my time. And when she tells me she’s sure, I close my lips over her skin, her mouth, and her body.
My hands slide and find familiar ridges in her back.
My breathing quickens as I take all of her, and I kiss her like someone who’s been given a second chance at life, a second chance to live.
I make love to her.
Even if Cait doesn’t remember me, her body does. She moves with me, even without being prompted. Her hips join with mine like a magnetic twin before I command it. Deep down, she knows how perfect we can be. It’s in our every movement.
I make our connection last, treating her like no time has passed.
I want her to know how much she’s loved, how much she’s been loved and also missed.
Over the course of the night, I want to share what I can of our three years’ worth of memories and imbue it into each and every kiss, every touch and shiver.
I want the memories to pour out of me and into her in the form of love.
They’re forever seared into my mind, and I want to believe they’re still hidden in hers too.
After she leaves here tonight, I want her to have a little bit of the old us in her future.
I love you, Cait. I repeat the words in my mind, wanting to will them into her body and make her understand. I do it until she’s standing at my front door, and I kiss her for the very last time.