5. Caitlin
CHAPTER FIVE
caitlin
Are you excited? Nervous?” I sat cross-legged on Ellison’s couch, sipping on a glass of wine at her insistence, despite her not being able to drink.
Whitley was over at my Mom’s place, and Ellison had invited me over to catch up.
The last time I’d seen her in person was Thanksgiving when I made an impromptu trip to Montana because Adam went away on business and didn’t tell me he was going to be leaving prior.
Her due date was a little over a month away, but I could tell she was ready to be done with her pregnancy. Even at thirty-four weeks pregnant, she had a glow about her. She certainly didn’t look as tired as I knew I did when I was pregnant.
Despite all this, she still heaved out a sigh.
“Yes,” she replied. “Yes, to both.”
I stifled a soft laugh, understanding what she was feeling. “It’s an exciting time. I’m happy for you and Colter.”
She placed a hand on her swollen belly. “Thanks. I’ve been lucky to have an easy pregnancy. But it’s still a little nerve-wracking. How did you get through it with Whit?”
My nose scrunched involuntarily as I thought about my pregnancy. It wasn’t really something I talked about with people other than my therapist. I didn’t want to be a source of anxiety for Ellison, but I could tell she wanted my honest answer in the way she worried at her lip.
“It wasn’t easy,” I admitted.
Not only was the pregnancy tough, but getting pregnant to begin with was hard, too.
Adam and I tried for years, and with every negative test, a little bit of my hope of starting a family flickered out.
Perhaps it was the universe trying to tell me he was the wrong person to be with, but I wouldn’t have traded having my daughter for the world.
When we finally did get pregnant and Whitley was born, I was so exhausted. I honestly couldn’t remember the first three or four months of her life because I was trying to adjust to life with a newborn and a husband who never carried any of the weight.
I was sure my mom and Colter remembered more about that time than I did. It was devastating, but through it all, Whitley was the light and love of my life. She made everything brighter. In the solar system of my universe, she was the sun, and I was so glad I made it out of that darkness.
Ellison hadn’t said anything, patiently waiting for me to continue.
“I will never regret having Whitley. If I had to do everything over again, I’d do it all the same just so I could have her, but I won’t have another child.”
“I’m sorry you didn’t have a good experience.” Ellison’s eyes flicked down to her hand then back up. It was almost like she sensed what I had gone through, because she added, “I’m also sorry you didn’t have the support you needed and deserved during that time.”
I shrugged. “It’s fine.”
She shook her head, jaw set in a hard line.
“It’s not. It’s not okay. Your family, your partner is supposed to be your rock.
Granted, I got lucky with Colter as a husband.
He’s my anchor and my life raft all at the same time.
Adam…” She paused before rolling her eyes.
“Honestly, fuck him for treating you the way he did. You deserved—deserve—better.”
A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed down my emotions before tears could prick at my eyes. “It’s just a learning experience, right?” A big fucking learning experience, but at least I knew I would never make the same mistake again.
“Yeah.” She squeezed my hand. “How’s the guest house? Are you settling in okay?”
Whitley and I were coming up on about a week of living on Jake’s property, and I liked to think I was starting to adjust to small town life again.
My mom was more than willing to watch Whitley whenever I needed.
To make up for lost time, she’d cooed. And even though regret for not ensuring that they had a better relationship curdled in my stomach, I was happy that they had the opportunity to spend time together now.
Even though Whit probably didn’t remember the times she’d been around my parents when she was a baby and a young toddler, she still clung to my mom as though they’d never spent a day apart.
“It’s been good so far. I have a friend who’s going to ship me some of the boxes we had in a storage unit so I don’t have to make the drive all the way out there again so soon.
Hopefully, they’ll arrive shortly. I’ve been holding out on buying anything for the house, because I can’t remember what I have in storage and what I don’t. I don’t want to buy duplicates.”
“That makes sense. Well, I know I can’t be much help in the physical sense, but when the boxes arrive, let me know and I’ll send Colter out to help,” she offered. “Although, I’m sure Jake will be more than willing to help as well.”
My brows pinched together. “What do you mean?”
Her cheeks flushed, and she backpedaled a bit. “Oh, he just wants you to be comfortable.”
Either I was completely oblivious to the lives of my brother and his friends, or she knew something I didn’t. “Don’t be coy, Ellison, spit it out.”
“You really have no idea, do you?” she murmured, her voice softening to the point I could barely hear her.
“What? Have no idea about what?”
“You’re just important to us, Cait. All I want—Colter, too—is for you to be happy. Excuse me, but I think I’m about to burst.” She shot up from the couch and waddled to the bathroom down the hall.
What the hell is going on?
After my talk with Ellison, I drove to my mom’s place even more confused than I already was about my living arrangement.
When I walked in the house, a kid’s cartoon was playing on the TV and the aroma of chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese filled the air. Shaking my head half in amusement, half in disbelief, I called out, “I’m here!”
Whitley immediately peeked over the couch at the sound of my voice, squealing, “Mommy!” Leaping to the floor, she ran over to me with her arms wide.
“Hey, bug.” I pulled her into a tight embrace, letting her latch around me. It was times like this that made everything I went through worth it. Every minute of pain, every struggle, every moment of doubt led me to her.
Mom’s footsteps approached from the living room, and I released Whitley from my grasp.
“How was she today?” I asked.
Mom waved me off. “Oh, she was just a perfect angel.”
Fighting back the urge to snort, I nodded. “I see you made her chicken nuggets and mac and cheese.”
“She’s been asking for them all day. I couldn’t tell her no.”
The laugh escaped me this time. I couldn’t even be upset with my mom.
She’d been deprived of a lot of Whitley’s early years since we only saw her and my dad maybe two or three times a year—with the exception of special events like Colter and Ellison’s wedding—so of course, she was going to spoil her now.
Part of me believed that was her right, but the other part of me cringed at the thought of the routine that Whitley and I had developed changing.
Being back in Silver Creek and having the support—the so-called village I was falsely promised after bringing a child into this world—was, admittedly, an adjustment.
For so long, I’d carried the weight of both my life and Whitley’s on my shoulders.
Now that I had people who were willing to alleviate some of the pressure, it was like being able to take a deep breath while also having the air stolen from my lungs.
Guilt clawed at me whenever those thoughts popped up, because I should have been grateful for the help.
I was grateful for the help, immensely so, but being a mom was such a heavy weight sometimes.
It’d been a long time since I’d just been Cait.
Not Adam’s wife or Whitley’s mom or Maggie and Chip’s daughter.
I wasn’t quite sure who I was anymore outside of my identity as a mom.
“Do you have any leftovers?” I asked, and my mom’s eyes softened.
She nodded with a smile. “Plenty. Help yourself. Come on, Whitley, let your mom grab some dinner.”
Mom followed me over to the stove, handing me a plate.
“What’s your plan for getting the rest of your stuff out of Washington?”
“Tory is going to ship it to me,” I explained.
Her eyebrows scrunched. “You’re sure Adam’s not going to try to, I don’t know, prevent you from getting it?”
“Pretty sure that’d be a crime at this point, Mom.” I plopped a small scoop of mac and cheese onto my plate. “Besides, the storage unit is under my name. I made sure of that.”
“I don’t trust that man as far as I can throw him,” she muttered. “You’d think he’s put you through enough hell.”
“Well, he hasn’t done anything besides cancel my credit cards, Mom.
It’s not like he’s come after Whitley or anything.
” I at least had the confidence he wouldn’t do that.
Adam was too proud a man to fight me in a custody battle and lose.
The evidence had always pointed to me being the more present parent anyway.
“You know me. I just worry about you kids.”
I gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. “I know. But Whit and I are here now. We’re okay. I promise.”
“I’m happy you found a place to live.” The words came out slow, almost practiced. “Jake is a nice kid. Very generous, isn’t he?”
“Mm-hmm.” I narrowed my eyes.
“I think he’s always kind of looked out for you, you know.”
What was it with everyone and their obsession with Jake?
“What are you getting at, Mom?”
She shrugged, feigning indifference. “I just think it’s good you have people here to support you.”
I couldn’t exactly argue with that.
Moonlight peeked through the curtains in my bedroom, mixing with the warm light from my bedside table lamp. Whitley had gone to sleep a few hours ago, so it was just me and my lonesome.
My mind kept drifting back to my conversations with Ellison and my mom, trying to figure out what the hell they meant when they were talking about Jake always looking out for me and being more than willing to help me.
Those simple words turned into thoughts about what I would like help with. I definitely had some ideas that had nothing to do with carrying boxes or decorating the house.
Warmth crept up my body, heat pooling in my core at the imagery of rough, callused hands. I imagined them running over my body, my skin burning under their touch.
Ugh!
It had been too long since I’d been with someone.
I couldn’t remember the last time Adam had so much as looked at me in that way, much less given me an orgasm.
Sex had felt like a chore in our last couple years of marriage, and it was always about him.
He’d get off, and I’d get disappointed. My only saving grace had been my trusty vibrator I’d hidden in the drawer of my nightstand, an essential I’d been sure to bring with me to Montana.
Thoughts of a cowboy doing filthy things to me swarmed my mind as I reached into the nightstand beside my bed, feeling around for the familiar shape. My hand grasped it, and I pulled it out, a satisfied smile spreading across my cheeks.
Hello, old friend.
I switched on the toy, turning the vibration up to the highest setting. No easing into it for this girl. I was chasing any kind of release. Guiding the tip down, I pressed it to my clit, a breath falling from my lips at the sensation.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I let myself fall into a hazy dream-like state.
The cowboy in my fantasy brushed his lips against my skin, darting his tongue out to flick against my clit. Using his hands, he spread my pussy, thrusting a finger inside. I bucked my hips up toward his face, his short stubble scratching the inside of my thigh.
My hand slipped under my shirt, skirting up to my breast. Pinching a nipple between my fingers, I moved the vibrator in circles on my clit, a warm sensation creeping up to my core from my toes.
A moan tore from my lips as I pressed the tip of the vibrator into my entrance, the toy easily slipping inside. Fucking myself with it, I conjured the image of the cowboy’s cock slamming into me, pulling out every ounce of pleasure.
“Fuck,” I moaned as blond hair and blue eyes appeared in my head.
His lips curled up into a sultry grin as he continued to pound into me, his strong hands gripping my thighs and tugging me closer to his body.
“I’m close. Oh, fuck, I’m gonna—”
On the precipice of my orgasm, the vibration suddenly stopped, and my eyes snapped open.
Clicking the power button a few times, I expected the device to start again, but I was met with nothing. I yanked out the toy, reaching for the charger to hopefully get enough juice to finish the job, but the power cord was missing. I’d probably left it behind in Washington.
Goddammit.