24. Caitlin
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
caitlin
This will be fine. It won’t be bad. It’s just a couple days by yourself, no biggie.” I spoke the words aloud in an attempt to hype myself up for my solo trip and not turn the car back around.
I would have loved to bring Whitley with me, but the stipulation of the bucket list item was to take a trip completely alone.
No kids or anyone. At first, I thought it was a bit silly.
Why wouldn’t I take Whitley with me? I wanted her to have new experiences.
But then I thought back on the past four years.
With the exception of the last couple months, I’d rarely had the opportunity to be alone, and even after moving to Silver Creek, the most I’d had for myself was a few hours.
When I dropped my daughter off at my mom’s place, I’d almost said screw it and canceled the plan. Guilt washed over me at the idea of leaving her with my mom again, but Mom insisted I go.
“You don’t get many opportunities to do things for yourself as a mother, Cait. You know this as well as I do,” she’d said. “Go. Have fun. We’ll be here when you get back.”
My plan was to spend some time in Paradise Valley, and since it was so far from Silver Creek, I’d be staying overnight in a cabin Jake had booked for me.
The idea of staying in a remote area by myself was a little frightening, but he insisted everything was safe.
It wasn’t that I was scared of a serial killer or anything, but I grew up in Montana, and the area I was headed to was in bear country.
To take my mind off my anxieties, I mentally reviewed my itinerary.
Today, I’d drive into Bozeman and spend the afternoon there.
Clay’s wife, Abby, and I were going to get drinks and do a little shopping.
In the evening, I had plans to relax in a hot spring.
I was considering this my yes day as well, since I was doing everything for myself.
I was just passing through Billings, staring at the horizon where the prairie flatland of eastern Montana began to blend with the mountains, when my phone rang with a call from my mom.
“Is everything okay? I can turn the car around,” I said in lieu of a greeting.
My mom laughed on the other end. “Everything is fine, Cait. I just wanted to call to see where you were and how the drive was.”
“Mom, you can’t just randomly call when I’m already worried about leaving,” I protested. “The drive is good, though.”
“Good,” she sighed. “I forgot how quiet and lonely it gets without all you kids. Having Whitley here is such a blessing. And soon, little Levi will be growing up and running around to play with her.”
“They really do grow up fast, don’t they?” A tear beaded in the corner of my eye, and I blinked it away. The past four years of Whitley’s life had already gone by so fast.
“It feels like just yesterday you kids were running around the ranch and getting into all sorts of trouble.”
I smiled thinking of all our antics. They didn’t stop once we’d reached high school or even college.
Clay and I used to make Colter do all sorts of things for us.
My favorite was when we sent him down the road to buy beer from some college kids and he came back empty-handed.
He’d paid the guys but forgot the case of beer.
I guess it was some kind of karma from the universe for sending our underage brother to do our bidding.
“Are you still there, honey?” Mom asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Have fun on this trip. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine,” she said, putting on her Mom voice.
“I will. Okay, I’d better go. I’ve got about two hours to go, but I will text you when I arrive.”
“All right, honey. Love you.”
I said my goodbyes then hung up. My hands gripped the steering wheel tighter.
But this time, it wasn’t out of anxiety or even stress.
Maybe anticipation. Now that I’d spoken to my mom and she reassured me again they were fine, I felt like I could actually enjoy the trip fully for what it was.
I couldn’t deny that I was excited to spend some time with my sister-in-law.
It’d been so long since I’d seen her. Hopefully, after this trip, we’d be able to spend even more time together.
This year could be the start of me reaching out to people I hadn’t seen because of my marriage.
The start of me doing things I hadn’t had the chance to in the last nine years.
The moment I pulled into Clay and Abby’s driveway, the front door opened and a horde of kids ran out.
“Hey, guys.” I laughed as they swarmed me with hugs.
“Auntie Caitlin is here!” the oldest of them, Penny, yelled into the house.
Abby emerged a moment later.
“Give her some space, guys.” She giggled before having to pry the youngest one off me. One by one they ran back into the house, and the door slammed shut. “Sorry about them. They get excited to see anyone who comes to visit.”
“I mean, that’s fair. I haven’t seen them since Colter and Ellison’s wedding.”
She pursed her lips and nodded, her eyes averting to the ground. They bounced back up to me in an instant. “Let me grab my purse and then we can head out, yeah?”
I nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll be here.”
A few minutes later, she blew a kiss goodbye to her kids and came down the front steps. “Okay, I’m ready! Are you so excited to be getting out of the house and away for a bit?”
I bit the inside of my lip. “Yes, but it’s also definitely weird. I feel like I’ve never gone on a trip without Whit. I keep looking for her to make sure she’s not getting into trouble.”
Abby nodded. “I know the feeling. You’ll get better at it, though. It’s hard to leave your babies when they were literally a part of you for so long, so I get it.”
“Yeah. She’s growing up so fast. She certainly acts like a teenager already.”
“Oh, just you wait. You’ll be begging to get out of the house before long. I’m just glad you have Maggie and everyone there to help you in Silver Creek.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“All right. Shall we head out? I’m itching to try this new place downtown. I’ve heard they have a really good charcuterie board.”
“Lead the way. You’re the expert.” I flashed her a grin, following her to her car.
“I’ll take a glass of your La Spinetta rosé.” Abby pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose as she scoured the wine menu. “And we’ll also do one of your charcuterie boards.”
“I’m just going to do a glass of pinot grigio,” I added, folding up my menu and handing it to our server.
“Thank you so much.” Abby passed along her menu next before crossing her legs and leaning back into her velvet chair.
The wine bar she’d chosen had plush chairs and couches all throughout the space. The seating made it feel more intimate, like you were having drinks in your living room and not in a bar.
“So, update me on everything that’s going on in your life.”
I sighed. “Well, for starters, I’m a single woman again.”
“Amen to that. No offense, Cait, but Adam was a piece of shit.” She emphasized her insult, her voice lilting at the end.
In the early months after we’d filed for divorce, it would have hurt my feelings to hear my family speak of him in that way, but over the last couple months, I think I’d come out of the fog I was in and could finally see him for what he was. A real piece of shit.
“It’s strange how much a person can change over a decade. Or maybe not change at all,” I admitted.
One of her brows shot up.
“I guess, I just thought it was normal.”
“That’s the thing about abusive relationships. They’re so good at manipulating you to think what’s happening is normal, but it’s not your fault, Cait. The only one at fault here is him. You’re an amazing mother, and I think Whitley is proof of that.”
I nodded, looking down at the table. Our server brought our drinks out, in perfect timing, and I took a slow sip, debating whether I wanted to say what I was thinking. “Jake has been helping with that a little.”
She leaned forward. “Tell me more.”
I shrugged. “He just made this bucket list for me. Things to help me feel more like me again, I guess. Taking a solo trip was one of them, actually.”
Abby literally clapped. “I always knew I liked him. That’s what you deserve, Cait. Someone who reminds you who you are and of the incredible things you are capable of. Clay reminds me of them all the time. And I really think Colter does that for Ellison, too.”
“You don’t think it’s a little soon?”
She cocked her head. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, everyone keeps going on about how much Jake likes me, but Adam and I just got a divorce. Isn’t it a little soon to be thinking about someone else in a romantic context?”
“There’s no correct timeline for healing, Cait.” Rolling her eyes, she added, “Yeah, some people might say you should wait whatever number of months or years, but when was the last time you truly felt something for Adam? Be honest.”
A long time. Years, probably.
“A while, I guess.” I spun the rings on my fingers. “But isn’t waiting what a good wife would do? Or a good mom?”
“Well, first of all, you’re not anyone’s wife anymore.
” She cleared her throat. “Sorry, if that was blunt. I just mean, you don’t have to consider Adam anymore.
He certainly wasn’t thinking about you, or Whit, for that matter.
And I think in terms of being a good mom, only you can decide what that means.
Yes, you have Whitley to consider, but if I’m being honest, I think she would be happy with whatever you decide to do.
From what I’ve heard, she really likes Jake, too. ”
Smiling, I nodded. “She really does. Did you hear about the cat she convinced him to let her have?”
Abby burst into a fit of laughter. “That sounds like our Whit. She must have him wrapped around her little finger already.”
“Oh, most definitely.”
After my day with Abby, I drove to the hot springs. It was about an hour out of town, but the views on the drive were well worth it.
It was attached to a resort tucked into the mountains, but you didn’t have to stay there to soak in the springs. The cost wasn’t bad either for being deep in the touristy area of Montana.
I walked across the pool deck, past some lounge chairs. A few people offered me tight-lipped smiles and subtle waves. I guess the water made everyone friendlier, too.
Stepping into one of the pools, I let my body sink down into the water, the warmth soothing my aching muscles.
The sun was starting to set, casting orange and pink streaks across the wide open sky. Most of the families who were here to enjoy the hot springs had begun to pack up, leaving a good amount of space between me and the next person, which I appreciated.
Apparently, the hot springs had live music performances tonight, but I didn’t think I’d stay long enough to listen. As fun as the day was, I was spent. My plan was to soak for a while then head to the cabin and be in bed by ten o’clock.
Tilting my chin toward the sky, I closed my eyes. This trip was honestly exactly what I needed.
The only thing that would have made it better was if Jake was here to experience it with me.