The Touch
K aid wouldn’t meet my gaze as I mimicked every thrust of his dagger with my own.
We stood side by side, movement flowing in a dangerous dance beneath the moon’s light, yet his eyes never sought mine.
Smiles didn’t curve his lips, and his voice had turned darker.
It was always filled with danger, but the new tone was colder, the affection he saved for me absent.
He’d been training me for weeks, joining me on the nights his god didn’t demand his skills.
He taught me to steal and fight. He taught me to be a friend, but tonight was different.
The Kaid I’d grown irrevocably attached to had vanished, leaving a shadow of the thief in his place.
“That’s all for tonight,” Kaid said, his tone bled of all warmth, and despite the night’s heat, gooseflesh pricked my skin.
“Would you like to do something else?” I was angry at my voice for wavering.
Always so free with his words, this quiet stranger before me chilled my spirit.
He’d taken to training me with the blade, but our lessons were stilted.
We couldn’t spar for fear of being discovered, for fear of touching, so we stood side by side, violent movements forming a dance.
I lived for these moments, where my world learned parts of his, where my body experienced what he felt.
I hadn’t seen him for a week, so when he climbed through my window, my spirit soared, only to crash against his demeanor.
My friend had disappeared, and an intimidating thief had assumed his place.
For the first time, I was afraid of Kaid.
Not because he would harm me, but because my heart sensed the shift.
I was terrified of how I’d grown to love him, and that gave him the power to break me.
“No… I should leave. It’s late,” he answered without meeting my gaze. It wasn’t late. He had only just arrived.
“Is…?” I was scared to ask. I didn’t want his words to confirm the truth hanging thick between us. If he remained silent, I could clench my eyes and pretend this was a nightmare.
“Is everything all right?” My whisper was barely audible.
“Yes.” His answer was too swift as he started for the roof’s edge. “I should go.”
“Kaid.” I despised the desperation on my tongue. “Don’t…” Don’t lie to me. Don’t hide from me. Don’t leave me.
“Sellah.” My name sounded like an apology as a tortured war fought in his expression. “I… I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
“Can’t do what?”
“Sellah, please.”
“Can’t do what?” I repeated. My mother had abandoned me ten cycles ago, and I’d let her walk out of my life without so much as a word of protest. I wouldn’t let him leave without a fight. He was all I had; all I would ever have as my twenty-first birthday crept closer.
“I…” He turned and strode across the roof, pausing at the edge before whirling on me so fast, I stumbled backward.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sit here and wait for you to leave me.
Every time I look at you, I see the end of the greatest thing in my life.
You’re my best friend, my confidant, my heart. I love you, Sellah.
My emotion swelled at his confession. Kaid loved me, but my voice caught in my throat, threatening to choke me.
“Every night I spend with you, I love you more,” he continued.
“I’m filled with broken and jagged edges, but your softness and warmth fit perfectly between those sharp pieces.
You make me whole. You’re what my life was missing, and the longer I stay at your side, the more I love you.
Varas may be the god I’ve pledged to, but you’re who I want to swear my future to.
You’re the altar I pray at, the deity I worship, and I would sacrifice my life for you, but you don’t belong to me.
You never have, and you never will. You’ve belonged to Hreinasta since birth, and I can’t watch the person I treasure most in this world lose herself to a selfish goddess. ”
“Kaid!” My voice pitched at his blasphemy.
“I don’t care,” he growled. “Gods be damned, but I do not care. May they strike me down, because my heart belongs to you, and I cannot stand by and idly watch your life be stolen. You didn’t choose this.
If you’d been of age when you swore the oath or if you’d sent me away when we first met, I could respect that, but you were born to appease your father’s guilt.
You were sacrificed before you understood what this meant, and in a few months, your soul will vanish.
You’ll sleep for decades, and I’ll have to watch Hreinasta parade around in the body of the woman I love.
I can’t sit here and witness that happen. It’s too painful.”
“I was chosen as a child,” I whispered with a weakness that disgusted me. “It’s how it must be.”
“Exactly,” Kaid spat. “You were a child, a soul unable to choose for itself, and a predator came along to snatch you up.”
“Kaid!”
“It’s the truth and you know it. Stealing beautiful children to inhabit and forcing their own souls to vanish is predatory.”
“Hreinasta is the Pure One,” I argued, afraid the heavens would open and strike him dead for his venom. “Our sacrifice is to keep her sacred.”
“She’s a selfish and cruel goddess,” Kaid bit back, all rage and conviction.
“The other gods came to the realm in their true forms. They subjected themselves to mankind’s ways and lead by example.
Valka leads his men into battle. Sato plants the fields alongside her harvesters, the sun blistering her skin as it does theirs.
Varas steals just as we do. He saved me from death with his own hands.
” He gestured cruelly to his lips. “Elskere lives together as husband and wife as an illustration of a loving and faithful marriage. Each god fights and sweats and toils among their people except for Hreinasta. If she truly wanted her acolytes to remain pure, she would be here in this temple, leading by example. She would resist temptation first so that her priestesses could follow in her footsteps, but no. She hides in the gods’ realm so that she doesn’t have to practice her own doctrine.
Purity is facing temptation and remaining holy, not enslaving young girls to hide behind. ”
“You shouldn’t say that.” Tears bathed my cheeks.
“It’s the truth.” Kindness disappeared from his features, and I saw the terror every other person he encountered must face.
“She’s selfish, coercing others so she doesn’t have to resist herself.
And even if I could ignore that, I cannot overlook that this wasn’t your decision.
You were forced into this life. You only believe it’s your destiny because they gave you no other choice.
If you had joined the temple at eighteen, fully aware of the path ahead of you, it would be different, but when you were ten cycles old, did you understand Hreinasta would shove your consciousness away? Did you know you would cease to exist?”
“No.” The confession felt dangerous.
“If you knew then what you do now, would you have accepted this fate?”
“Don’t make me answer that.”
“Sellah.” His voice was tortured. “If you’d known, would you have chosen this life? Is Hreinasta the goddess you would have pledged to?”
“Yes.” The lie escaped out of habit, and his features fell like crumbling rubble.
“I see.” He turned away from me. “Then I must go, because I can’t watch this.
I won’t survive losing you. As it is, I already feel as if a dull and rusted knife has pierced my heart, the pieces jagged and oozing.
” Sorrow wove through his voice. “I love you, but I won’t come back.
If I do, it’ll destroy me. I don’t want to live in a world without you, but I have to. I might as well get used to it.”
Kaid dropped gracefully off the ledge, and panic washed over me.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear.
My heart was breaking, my soul was dying, and it was as if some deep part of my spirit took control of my body.
I was no longer commanded by my limbs. My desperation ruled me, and I was across the roof before I registered my movements.
Kaid fell to a decorative balcony below, and I vaulted down after him.
He’d trained me well. I was strong. I was fast. I was feral.
He heard my feet land behind him, but he didn’t turn.
He didn’t acknowledge my alarmed chase, and he gripped the opposite wall to climb out.
One swift movement and he would be gone.
He would no longer exist within the temple.
He would belong to Szent, and if I allowed that to happen, his presence would never again grace mine.
I couldn’t describe the sheer terror in my gut.
All I knew was I couldn’t let him leave, so I ran.
I ran with loud steps and louder breaths, and as he gripped the ledge, I threw myself at him.
My fingers captured his hand, my fist closing around him, and the world ceased to exist. The moon disappeared.
The stars vanished. Szent fell away, and the wind stilled.
There was nothing. There was no one. All that remained was the warmth of his skin against mine, the roughness of his palms scraping against my fingertips, his pulse jerking through the pressure point at his wrist.
I’d touched him. I had touched Kaid, and it was beautiful.
The moment was sacred, destined to stay with me until death claimed me.
My hand clutched him tighter as tears blurred my vision, but I didn’t let go.
I couldn’t form words, so my hands spoke for me.
They told him everything in that touch. One deliberate touch, and I’d chosen.
He was what I wanted to pledge my life to.
I was trapped in this temple, my future not my own, but my love was mine to give, and I offered it to him. I gave it to him with all of my heart.
My thief stared at our joined hands, and the pain on his face wasn’t what I expected.
It was excruciating, as if my touch was acid burning his flesh.
Tears ran down his cheeks, smearing the ash, and then he pulled his hand free and climbed over the wall.
He vanished into the night like a shadow, leaving me alone in my grief.
At least I’d experienced his touch before he ripped my heart from my chest.
* * *
I left my window unlocked, but he didn’t come.
I waited for three weeks, but he never returned.
Kaid was gone, and he took my will to live with him.
At the dawn of the fourth week, I resolved to close off my heart.
I was a shell, my soul with the thief who stole it.
It was for the best. I was already empty for Hreinasta to invade.
* * *
The overwhelming sense of being watched washed over me, and I jerked awake.
Sleep had eluded me for days, but my body had finally succumbed to exhaustion.
I’d been oblivious to the world, sensing nothing until his eyes found me in the darkness.
I’d memorized the way his gaze trailed over me like a touch.
I knew his scent. I recognized his presence.
He had burrowed so deep within me that even the sound of his breathing had been ingrained in my memory, and I twisted on the mattress to stare at the sofa beneath the window. His sofa.
“Hi.” He smiled hesitantly, his expression asking for forgiveness.
“Hi.” I offered it wholeheartedly.
“Fifty cycles ago, a thief stole jewels from Varas’ temple and sold them to a warlord. The thief was punished for the crime against his house, but the jewels were never recovered since no one could infiltrate the warlord’s camps.” Kaid looked at me with hope in his eyes. “Until now.”
“You?” Pride swelled in my chest.
“I recovered every last one.” He extended his fist. “I asked Varas if I might keep this, and he gave it to me with his full blessing.” Kaid’s hand unfurled, and the smallest jewel I’d ever seen sat on his palm.
It was a vibrant emerald, flawless and sparkling despite its size.
“I stole this for you.” His voice was nervous, as if he was offering me his beating heart and not a gem.
I climbed off the bed and stared at his apology before plucking it from his palm. My fingers grazed his skin as I accepted it, and his chest rose with an unsteady breath.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I gazed at him, tears blurring my vision. He’d come back to me. He knew the future we would face, and he had returned.
“Do you want to hear how I did it?” He leaned forward in anticipation, his question not really about telling me a story. It was a plea to stay. To return to the friends we were.
I didn’t answer him as I walked to the sofa.
I hovered before him, and then my gaze drifted to the space beside him.
He shifted sideways, understanding my silent request, and I sat on the vacated cushion.
The sofa was small, but a fraction of air separated us.
We weren’t touching, but I felt the heat from his body, the breath escaping from his lungs to brush against my ear as he regarded me with relief.
I’d never sat there with him, and his expression was one of shock and excitement.
Leaning my head against the wall and crossing my ankles, I clutched the jewel to my heart and then gazed at him expectantly.
I didn’t need to speak. He read the words in my eyes.
“You’ve heard of the Sivatag, right?” His question tumbled out of his mouth.
I nodded, and he continued, “The warlord’s camps border the desert.
It’s why he’s not easily invaded. A wasteland at his back and an army at his front.
For fifty cycles, thieves have been trying to return Varas’ stolen jewels, but they either returned defeated or not at all. ”
“The warlord killed them?” I raised my eyebrows.
“And then sacrificed their corpses to the Sivatag,” Kaid confirmed, and I shivered. The final resting place of the twin gods. The stretch of Earth so corrupted by war, an inescapable desert had dried out the land. I wouldn’t want to enter its borders, even as a skeleton.
“I spent three weeks observing his camp,” he continued, and I mentally acknowledged the length of his last absence.
He hadn’t been avoiding me. His god had sent him far from my side.
“Three long, hot weeks. I don’t know how the warlord lives so close to the desert.
Even outside of its border is gods damned unbearable, but I sat there, day in and out, discovering why no thief survived this mission.
I learned why no one escaped his hold, and then I saw it. I found my opening.”