9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Viau remained away for the next few days, then returned, but only to be glimpsed in corridors before he must have left again, because Rafi didn’t see him.
It figured that he’d be gone once Rafi had decided to talk to him.
Rafi had shockingly disparaging thoughts about the king as he continued to wear himself out in the Arms Room, pausing only to drink more water as he’d been told to, or to go to a lesson, or to sit in the dining hall with his friends as they ate.
“He’s probably been called away for very important business,” Katoh told him, patting Rafi on the back.
She meant Viau. Rafi hadn’t even mentioned Viau.
But Viau’s absence had been noted by everyone and now they were watching Rafi, or so it felt.
Rafi didn’t want to be watched. He wanted to be what he had been: well-regarded but mostly unremarkable, so that his placement would never be in jeopardy and his future would be as secure as he could manage.
He also wanted to be fucked, a thought he hadn’t had before when he hadn’t been fucked before. Now it was clawing at him and he was not even in proper aedis yet.
“We only have to send for him and he can be here within hours,” Katoh promised, cooing at Rafi as if he needed that or to be petted while he frowned down at his lunch.
Rafi was hungry but had lost his appetite when confronted with food.
Katoh did not cease petting him. Rafi allowed it because it did feel nice.
Laure nodded from his side of the table. “Less than hour if he rides. Less than that if he races.”
Rafi was going to spend his first year of aedis in perpetual heat and Viau didn’t even care.
It wasn’t Viau’s job to care, Rafi reminded himself. It wasn’t even his job to help. That had been a kind offer and Rafi should be grateful to have received even that.
But he was going to wind up in an isolation room, moaning and aching and wishing for an insertable tool for his body to pulse around.
He could not afford to buy a tool. He might have to ask a healer for one. They probably had some that they offered to the desperate. Another humiliation, and nothing about it spoke of satisfaction.
Rafi shuddered. “I will have to find someone else.” If not for this aedis, then for the next one.
Impossible, in all likelihood. His options here had already been limited and now everyone in the academy was probably convinced Rafi was pining for Viau, who had forgotten him. He probably had; Rafi was forgettable.
Rafi had received a letter from home only that morning and had been left to wonder if any of his siblings remembered him. If both of his parents did, or only the one.
Fourth child and a nex, Viau had said, summing up everything perfectly. He might have meant it to be comforting, as if to say Rafi specifically wasn’t the problem. The problem was everything else.
We hope you are well, the letter had read, and that you are on your best behavior.
Your youngest sibling, Giacoli, has tested well with aer as well, and will be attending Trianon the year after next, so he will be relying you to establish a good reputation.
Your sisters are doing well, and Pali is due to marry soon.
He chose a miná, at least, so we know who will inherit now.
When you get a placement, everyone will be happy to hear it. You always were determined.
Rafi had read his first letter from home in a year while sitting in one of the meditation gardens.
When he had read and reread it several times, he folded the slim half-sheet of paper and tucked it into his boot.
Katoh’s mother had sent Katoh entire pages along with a bunch of sweets a few weeks ago. His note was pale in comparison.
Then he’d gotten up to return to the Arms Room and realized that he’d pulled so much aer from a nearby seedling that he’d nearly killed it. Putting it back was impossible, but he had taken the time to try to heal the fragile plant by filling the soil beneath it with life for it to absorb again.
“Maybe we should go into the capital. Maybe we can find him.”
Laure must not have heard him so Rafi raised his head to say it again. “I will need to find someone else.”
He didn’t appreciate how Laure and Katoh exchanged a look before Katoh answered him. “For this aedis? You won’t have much time.”
“For after my aedis.” Rafi hoped his voice was calm and that he sounded reasonable, but it was difficult with sweat at his neck and in his hair and his armpits prickling.
“My body has decided it likes being fucked,” he pronounced each word distinctly despite his hot face.
“So I will have to find someone to fuck me, aedis or not.” Maybe then he could sleep again and not think about Viau.
“Viau!” Katoh said, loud and bright, her eyes wide, and Rafi inhaled the familiar spring scent of pollen and freshly tilled earth and turned to find Viau at the side of their table staring at him.
Viau was not in court clothes, although his neat hair and spotless shirt indicated he had not come from a long walk or from the stables.
“You’re back.” Rafi took another deep breath of lush fields and was only aware that he’d been frowning tightly when his frown eased away.
Viau didn’t tease Rafi for stating what was obvious. He didn’t say anything. He was still staring at Rafi.
“We were discussing going into the capital,” Katoh explained in a voice so meek, Rafi nearly took his eyes off Viau to turn to her and make sure she was all right.
“Did you see Bellai’s play?” Rafi asked to keep Viau from leaving, though Viau had not moved. “Or were you busy with the royal family? You must be very busy,” he added, a churning in his stomach that almost felt like nerves.
“I haven’t been here much, have I?” Viau finally spoke just to also state something that was obvious.
“Would you like to join us for lunch?” Laure shifted in his seat as if to move down the bench to make room. Viau didn’t even twitch in his direction. Maybe he couldn’t stay. Maybe this visit was courtesy.
“Are you on your way elsewhere again?” Rafi looked from Viau’s overwhelmingly dark eyes to his plate and the dumplings that held no appeal.
“I suppose you won’t have time to stay.” Rafi sounded as if he was yearning for exactly that, and probably blushed for it but was too hot to tell.
Viau was going to leave, and then Rafi was going to get another note with perfect flower-letters explaining that he would have to find someone else to assist him.
Viau inched closer to the table. “Are you well?”
Rafi nodded like someone who slept a normal amount and hadn’t embarrassed himself in front of the chief healer. “It’s kind of you to ask.”
“Is he well?” Viau continued, and it took Rafi a moment to realize this was being asked of Katoh and Laure because Viau hadn’t liked his answer.
Rafi sat back and raised his head. He suspected he was frowning and then that his frown was more of a scowl, because Viau turned back to him to argue his point.
“Did I or did I not just hear you asking for help, little killer?”
Viau had no reason to use that nickname or that soft, fond tone with Rafi while Katoh, Laure, and probably several others were listening in.
“I didn’t ask for help.” Rafi didn’t argue with anyone. Yet Rafi was arguing, and it was because everyone knew that he ached except the person he stupidly ached for. His body went and chose someone beautiful and out of his reach, and that wasn’t fair, but nothing in Rafi’s life was.
“You asked for someone to fuck you.” Viau bit out the words. “I heard it clearly. Someone.”
“Yes?” Rafi demanded in confusion. If they had been sparring, he would have been tempted to toss his plate at Viau just to see what he’d do, if he could duck or parry it in time, or if he’d end up with dumplings in his lovely hair. But that was the sort of thing an angry person would do.
Rafi had no right to be angry. Viau had been kind to him once already. If Rafi was upset now, it was because he shouldn’t have gotten greedy or allowed himself to think that the chief healer had understood the situation more than him.
Instead of snarling in reply, or raising his voice, Viau blinked a few times and then half turned as if needing to study Rafi from a new angle. “Why do you think I am here right now, Rafeli Tizzan?”
Rafi quietly scoffed at the use of his full name. Nobody else did that the way Viau did but Rafi shouldn’t feel anything about it.
“Why would I know why you’re here?” Rafi genuinely didn’t know.
“You aren’t sitting down or going to eat with your friends, so you must not be planning to stay.
” Laure was giving him a disapproving look, probably because Rafi was being childish.
“You’re here to be polite,” he guessed aloud, flicking a glance up to Viau as well.
“I’m being rude. I’m sorry. I’m very tired. ”
“‘Polite,’” Viau echoed as if he’d never heard that word before in his life.
“Taking a moment in your very busy schedule to greet Rafi,” Katoh explained, in a tone Rafi would puzzle over later. “Polite.”
Viau looked to her, then to Laure, who stared at him expectantly. Viau lowered his brows and nodded slowly before he focused back on Rafi.
“You worried,” he said gently. “I am sorry. Truly. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I have been away too much.
I can’t even blame my cousin; this is an entirely different branch of the family being difficult and asking me to mediate.
Large families,” he explained a moment later, as if realizing that none of them knew what he meant.
“I did see the play.” That was to Rafi. “Although, I was on duty, so I didn’t watch much of it.
But I will when it runs for the public. Rafeli Tizzan,” he said Rafi’s full name with particular care this time, “I am here… I came here, though I am indeed busy, to ask if you are well and to see if you wished to spar with me again in two days. I didn’t mean to make you worry. ”
Rafi stared up at him. “Really?”