Chapter 7 #2
“Yes.” One quick word, and then quiet fills the cottage.
Both of us are unsure what to say next. And there it is…
the familiar ache that settles in my chest, like regret before it even has a name.
The feeling that I have become too used to.
I try not to let it show, try not to flinch under the reality of it, but he notices.
Just as he always does. I see it in the lines that set in his face.
My throat is tight, and it hurts from trying to hold back my tears.
“Elizabeth…” he starts.
“I know,” I gently cut him off. “You have a wife and a family at home.” I need him to acknowledge it. I need him to take accountability.
The comment lands like a stone thrown between us.
The silence stretches. The room is dim, and the only sound is the waves crashing against the shore outside.
Theo stands, pacing a little around my small living room, and then he sits back down, but closer this time.
His knee brushes my leg, and he cautiously rests his hand on my knee, as if asking permission to touch me.
The contact sends goosebumps up my leg. The touch of his hand burning into my skin, like there is a flame beneath it.
“I think about you more than I should,” he admits. His thoughts are jumbled, and he seems to be struggling to find the words to explain it to me. I need him to help me understand.
“And when you go home?” I ask.
“I pretend that I’m not thinking about you. When I’m in meetings, I’m thinking of you. When I am sitting at the table with my family, I am thinking of you… I can’t concentrate anymore, Elizabeth. My life is so damn cold, and I feel like you have become my sunshine. When I’m with you…”
He stops and turns to face me. He places his index finger under my chin and slowly lifts it towards him. I take a deep, slow breath in and close my eyes. The touch is too gentle, and it lingers on my skin. The smell of him fills my senses, and ever so slightly, I lean in.
“Elizabeth,” he whispers as he draws closer. “If I kiss you, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”
“What if I don’t want you to stop?” That’s all the permission he needs.
His fingers thread through my hair, his hand splaying across the back of my head as he pulls me towards him.
His soft lips press hard on mine. As his hand cups my face, his thumb tenderly moves along my cheek.
I lean into it more, and his touch becomes hungry.
Halting. Like something that has been pushed down too long has finally clawed its way free.
I lean into his hands, keeping my eyes closed.
I grip his T-shirt, helplessly surrendering to his touch, trying to pull him closer to me.
And just as quickly as it begins, I pull back. I can’t speak. I just look at him, not with anger, but with an ache in my chest. I realise his kiss is a goodbye. I can feel it. He’s going to leave.
“I can’t be a secret, Theo.” I tell him.
He swallows hard and lowers his eyes to his lap.
“You already are, Elizabeth.”
The words take me back and I sit into the chair hoping it will swallow me. I close my eyes for a moment, not knowing what more to say. The truth sits between us, bruised and battered.
He touches my knee gently. It’s meant as a comfort, but I shake my head and move his hand from my leg.
I can’t do this. He’s going to break my heart!
“You can’t keep coming here at night like this, pretending this isn’t real. And then what? You get up and leave before sunrise like it means nothing?”
In a deep voice, he quietly replies.
“It means so much more than that.” His voice cracks on the last word. “You have no idea how much this means.” I hate seeing him beaten. He looks broken and exhausted, his words filling me with confusion.
“I need you to prove it before I fall too hard.” But he can’t. I know that deep down.
“You’re not the only one falling, baby.” It’s the first time he’s ever called me baby, and I wish it hadn’t been now, in this conversation.
He kisses me on the top of my head and stands up, making his way towards the front door.
“I will prove it to you, but we can’t keep being reckless, Elizabeth.
The only way this will work is if nobody sees us.
” The words hit me like a punch to the gut.
Love should not be hidden. I shouldn’t have to shut myself in my cottage for a man to be able to love me.
I want to say it to him, but my words fail me.
When he leaves, the street is quiet, just the sound of a car engine starting up. I stand at the window, watching him disappear in the black SUV and wondering when I had stopped feeling lonely? When had he started filling a void that I was unaware I had?
When I finally fall into bed, I can still feel the tingle on my mouth where his lips had been. Laying here, staring at the ceiling, my thoughts are all over the place. My mind is spinning with thoughts. I’m not going to wait for him when I know he is unable to love me.
The pictures in the paper come back to me, filling me with guilt.
He is married with a child. They are the power couple that Theo and I will never be.
I can’t let it continue, for my own heart’s sake if nothing else.
Quietly, I make a promise to myself. In the morning when I wake, I will get up, walk, write and attempt to move on.
But as I turn onto my side, I can’t resist placing my fingers to my lip, gently stroking over where his lips had touched mine.
****
Theo
As I drive away, I know I must prove she isn’t just a secret. I need to show her how much I care. That whenever I close my eyes, all I see is her. My life now is drowning in her!
When we’re apart, I miss her. I feel trapped in a nightmare I can’t wake from.
When Elizabeth pulled away from me, I saw the heartbreak in her eyes.
I should have told her about Olivia and explained the picture in the paper, helped her understand the point of the theatrics. I just left her even more confused. I should have helped her see that everything with Olivia is false, for the cameras and for the fans Olivia adores so much.
I should have made her feel like she was the only one, but I didn’t.
I left.
Her eyes told me so much more than her words.
That night, as I lay in bed thinking of her, I set in motion exactly how I’m going to prove it.
Just like she asked.