Chapter 12
Elizabeth
When Theo leaves, I let Bear into the room, and we curl up in bed together. He nuzzles into my side, and I allow my tears to fall. Tears for the man who just held me so close, only to vanish into another life the moment night threatened to turn to day.
My heart clenches painfully. Craving him, yet knowing he belongs somewhere I can’t reach. To someone I can’t be.
My chest heaves and the sobs come harder. Of all the men in the world, he’s the one my heart is falling for.
I wake in the morning feeling utterly exhausted.
My eyes are red and puffy from the lack of sleep and tears I shed until the early hours.
I lay in bed for a while, staring at the ceiling, my hand resting on my naked stomach, tracing soft, absent circles.
My sheets still smell of his cologne, the scent of wanting something that doesn’t belong to me.
My mind drifts back to when he left me. He had said nothing. No promises, no sweet nothings, only silence except for four quiet words. ‘I have to go.’ I wish I had asked him to stay, but I just let him leave.
I drag myself to the kitchen and put the kettle on.
Whilst it heats, I glance at the calendar and notice that it’s Saturday.
The day that the girls and I are supposed to go out.
A wave of anxiety flows through my body.
I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to pretend that I’m fine, but I know that an evening with my best friends will get my mind off him…
hopefully. The kettle shrieks with finality and I jump, my nerves frayed and raw.
I wrap a soft shawl around my shoulders and head out to the porch with my hot cup of coffee in hand and Bear at my feet.
My body feels sore and bruised. It aches in the way it only could after a night of sex.
Passion burned too brightly, and the emptiness it has left me with afterward feels colder than I could have ever expected.
I pull my shawl tighter around my shoulders and stare across the water ahead of me, attempting not to fall apart again.
The waves crash and I look on, realising just how far apart Theo and I are. We are oceans apart in love and life.
The sun casts golden figures through the elm tree leaves, dappling the wooden planks with light and shadow.
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the fresh air and feeling the breeze on my face.
Slowly, a quiet resolve settles in my bones.
This isn’t the love I want, waiting in the wings for a man who is only half mine.
Once my coffee cup is empty, I head back indoors and take a seat at my desk.
I stare at the blank laptop screen for thirty minutes before my words pour out in furious steam.
I write about love that’s like a drug, chasing the main character around every day, drip-feeding her the addiction.
She begs for more and comes closer to heartbreak every time she lets it in.
I write and write, unable to stop the words from flowing.
I absentmindedly stroke Bear and whisper to my trusty friend. “It’s time for me to take control of this chapter of my life, Bear.”
I make myself a second cup of coffee and settle back into my chair, the weight of potential loneliness lifting, replaced by a spark of fierce independence.
I can’t deny the ache, but I will not let it define me.
I can’t change how I feel for Theo, not overnight, but I can write.
I can pour the confusion and heartache into characters who might find the answers I haven’t yet found.
The more I type, the more my answers become confusing, though.
The more my resolve crumbles into indecision.
I decide I need a break, and I know exactly where I need to go. I throw a pair of trainers on and head out of the door, determined to forget the guard I stupidly let down for Theo.
As I mindlessly wander towards the town square, I hear the gentle buzz of the town. The florist’s stand is blooming, full of colour, and the bakery fills my senses with the smell of freshly baked bread. Then a familiar voice drifts towards me from the vegetable stand.
“Hey, James,” I call, strolling over to him.
He turns to look at me, greeting me with his usual sweet smile, but it fades as I get closer to him.
“Wow, are you ok? You look shattered.” The concern in his voice makes me look away from him with embarrassment.
“I had a long night, but I’m fine. Thank you.” I reply with a burst of enthusiasm that isn’t really there. Bear barks in James’s direction, shifting the conversation away, and I silently thank my little rescuer.
“Oh, hey buddy, didn’t see you down there.” He kneels down and spends some time stroking Bear, who rolls over onto his back. James obliges and gives him a little belly rub.
“Where are you heading?” he asks.
“Just walking. Do you fancy joining me?” I ask, shyly. He nods, and that’s what we do. We walk and I discover his thoughtful and present demeanour. He never looks at me like I’m a fantasy he has purchased with secrecy.
As our walk continues, I feel a sharp jolt of guilt hit me in the gut. I need to tell him about Theo. I can’t lead this man on. He’s too kind, too gentle. I can’t tell him everything, but he deserves to know that I’m not as single as I originally made out. Or am I? I’m, honestly, not sure anymore.
“James, I feel I need to tell you something. It’s been weighing on me, and I need you to know.
” I lower my head, feeling slightly shameful.
“I am seeing someone… or I think I am.” I stop walking.
When I look up at him, his eyes are filled with something resembling sympathy.
“Please don’t look at me like that, James. ”
He stops walking and turns to me, holding me by the shoulders.
“Are you happy, Elizabeth?” The way he asks tells me he already knows the answer. I slowly shake my head.
“I wish I was, James. This man has a hold over me. I feel like we’re connected in so many ways.
I can’t go a moment without thinking about him.
” I know my next words are going to change the way he sees me as a person, but there’s a part of my body that needs me to tell someone.
I take a deep breath and let the honesty pour out of me.
“He’s married,” I say the words as something breaks inside of me. “And it absolutely kills me to say it because I would hate for your opinion of me to change, but I want to be honest.” He pulls me into a hug. A hug that I didn’t know I needed until I was in his arms.
“My opinion won’t change, Elizabeth. I can see who you are. Sometimes love is painful. It shouldn’t be, but sometimes that’s just the way it is.” He releases me, and we continue walking.
He seems to understand that my life right now is complicated.
He listens with zero judgement, and it seems to have freed me just a little.
Like a weight has lifted ever so slightly, but I don’t ignore the disappointment on his face.
As we draw closer to my house, my phone buzzes with messages from the girls group chat.
I say goodbye, and he gives me one last hug before I go into the cottage.
Fiona: I’m so ready for tonight, girls! Just dropped Eden off at Mum’s house. Pre-drinks at mine before we head out?
Kitty: Yes, to the pre-drinks! Just heading to the hairdressers for a blow dry, then I’ll just need to put my face on and get dressed. I’ll head straight to yours after.
Fiona: Perfect.
Elizabeth: I probably won’t be ready for pre-drinks. I will just make my own way into town and meet you at Oceanside instead.
Fiona: Are you okay? You’re not thinking of bailing, are you?
Kitty: Elle, if you even try it, I will drag you from your house, whether you’re dressed or not!
I chuckle at Kitty’s message. I know she means it. If it came down to it, she would absolutely pull me out of my house whether or not I wanted it. Pyjamas and all. Her fiery red hair has always matched her fierce personality.
Elizabeth: No… just had a hard week. Need to get myself in the mood lol.
Kitty: Well, let’s skip pre-drinks and I’ll pick you up and we can go together. I’m getting a taxi into town so we can pick you up on the way. See you at 8:00pm?
A moment later, my phone rings. I see Fiona’s name flash across my screen.
I take a moment and then decline the call.
She always knows when something’s wrong, and she’ll push until she gets it out of me.
I can’t talk to her about it now. I want to be able to pretend, I want to be able to imagine that this mess isn’t real.
Fiona: You’ll have to speak to me at some point. I know there’s something wrong. You can’t hide it from me forever.
I look at the text and smile. She is my soulmate, and she knows me too well.
Elizabeth: I promise I’ll tell you, but today is not the day. Love you.
Fiona: Love you too, Elle. I’m here when you’re ready.
The taxi pulls up to my house right at 8:00pm. I give Bear a treat and a kiss, then step out into the chilly night. Kitty greets me, looking stunning in a navy silk dress. As the taxi pulls away, I try to leave the broken pieces of myself back in my cottage.
When we pull up at the Oceanside club, Fiona is waiting at the back of the queue, greeting us with a scream and a wave.
“Oh my god, Elizabeth, you look amazing!” Fiona squeals.
I go shy and brush her comment off, but if I’m honest, this is the first time that I have felt this confident in a long time.
I’m wearing a black, long sleeve velvet dress with gold strappy stilettos.
My hair falls in a slight curl, and for the first time in a long time, I have put on a full face of makeup.
The music coming from inside the club is sending vibrations through the floor outside, and I relax into the evening with each beat of the bass.
The steady pulse loosening my nerves. We all chat animatedly as we edge closer to the front of the queue.