Chapter 38
Elizabeth
A couple of days later, I gather the courage to ask Nigel to drive me back to the cottage.
Theo left early this morning on his producer’s helicopter to fly back to London.
I hate that he isn’t here. The house feels too big without him.
He will be in London for the next week, giving me the chance to pack up the cottage.
I know I should rest, but I’m so bored. I am ready to say goodbye to my little cottage, and I don’t want to wait.
The drive out of the countryside and towards the ocean takes a peaceful thirty minutes.
The countryside rolls by and I watch the hedges blur past my window.
Then, as the SUV pulls over the hill, there in front of me are the waves I have missed so dearly.
I wind the window down and sit back, listening to the ocean.
The salty air fills the car, the sound of the waves, like an old friend whispering to welcome me home.
I close my eyes and let all the feelings wash over me.
When Nigel pulls up at the pathway, I look out of the window, towards the door and see Fiona sitting on the porch step. As I step out of the car, she rises with her arms open.
“What are you doing here?” I ask as I settle into her arms.
“You think you could come to the cottage without someone being here? Theo messaged me this morning asking me to come.” I chuckle at the protectiveness from both of them.
I unlock the door, and we head inside. The cottage looks the same, but somehow feels different.
As if its breathing has slowed. It looks darker, like it is sad to be empty.
Nigel places the moving boxes on the kitchen counter and stands at the front door, for protection that I don’t really feel like I need.
Theo has been trying to assign me a security agent since I moved into the manor, but I have stood my ground and told him no.
The more he pushes, the harder I decline, but I do feel like he may be starting to grind me down.
I really don’t want to have someone following me around 24/7.
Theo’s protective side is sweet but suffocating.
I will be fine on my own. But perhaps I’ll reconsider when Nellie arrives. For now, Nigel is my compromise.
I walk around the cottage, opening the windows, letting the sea breeze in, clearing the musky scent that is lingering in the air.
I collect the mail from the mat with a shaky hand that I try to hide.
No death threats. No hate mail. I breathe a sigh of relief when I see that it’s just a pile of bills.
I put them in my bag to deal with later.
Fiona opens the boxes and tapes the bottoms, whilst I get packing.
I throw out things I have outgrown and no longer need, packing the things I can’t possibly leave behind.
In the corner of the room sits my grandmother’s writing desk.
I slowly sit down on the chair and stroke the battered wood.
Memories come flooding back of all the times I have sat here, as a little girl, writing about the house on the hill.
Thinking about the day the desk moved into the cottage where I wrote about my heartbreak, my nightmares and my love.
I make a mental note to have Theo send someone to pick this up next week and bring it to our new home.
I open the drawer and pull out my mum and dad’s locket, resting underneath a brand new, untouched notebook I purchased before the chaos ensued.
I pull a pen out of the pot and start writing.
Writing about my love, my new home, my baby, and the path that brought me here.
By the time my pen stops moving, time has slipped away from me, and I notice Fiona has packed most of my bedroom into boxes.
I place the book back in its original spot, tie my hair into a ponytail, and continue packing with her.
We sit on the floor as we fold clothes and pack my books.
Fiona slowly leans over to me and places her hands on my knees.
“How are you feeling now, sweetie?”
“Better. Not so scared anymore. It feels like everything is going the way it should be.” She rubs her hands up and down my crossed legs and smiles.
“You look happy. I’m so glad to see you smiling.” She places her hands on my belly. “And this little one is behaving now?” I nod and watch my friend, sadness in her eyes.
“Are you ok, Fi?” She nods with a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.
My eyebrows knit together as she wipes her lips with her fingers and then continues to pack.
Her silence screams at me as I take in the faint blue and purple mark above her lip.
I move closer to her and put my finger to the bruise.
“Where did this come from?” She instinctively covers it with her hand and waves me off.
“Oh nothing. Eden accidentally head butted me the other day.” Something inside of me refuses to believe her, but I don’t push any further. I make a mental note to check on her again. “And yes, I’m ok. Just worried about you.”
Three hours pass, and I am finally ready to go home.
Nigel loads the boot with my belongings, and I sit on the porch bench for one last time after I hug Fiona goodbye.
I watch the waves crash back and forth. Watch them glisten in the February sun.
March is just around the corner, and I cannot wait to hold my baby.
I caress my belly and enjoy the baby’s kicks, her little movements reminding me she is still there.
My fear for my baby is fading. We are out of the real danger zone now.
The chances of Nellie surviving get higher with every passing day.
I’m not quite ready to leave, so I tell Nigel I’m going for a walk across the sand to my favourite driftwood log.
There, in front of me, is the familiar figure of my friend.
James doesn’t notice me at first, but as I walk closer, he looks up, his eyes lighting up as he recognises me.
He scoots over to one side of the log, making room for me.
“This is a pleasant surprise,” he says. I giggle.
“I have been missing the ocean. Just needed to walk.” He looks at me, wonder in his eyes.
“You should be resting, you know.” He is only half teasing, nudging my shoulder gently with his own. I roll my eyes at him, always a friend, forever a caring doctor. The only thing missing is Bear, and it would have been like old times. We sit in silence, watching our familiar horizon.
The way he is watching the ocean tells me he knows everything is changing. He’s trying to let go of me, I can feel it. He knows Theo will do anything for me, and I am safe with him.
I sit and listen to the water; it is so gentle that I’m not even sure it’s moving.
It is the calm that I need. I have been wanting to have a conversation with James for a while.
The guilt eats me up every time I see him.
I know James loves me. I feel it in every single word he has ever said.
Every moment we have ever had. And when Theo came back, James did nothing but support me.
I know he is the best friend a girl could ever have.
As the sun makes the horizon glow with gold, the seagulls squawking and the sea, my quiet companion, I know that the time is now.
“James, can I ask you something? I need to know that you will be honest with me.” He searches my eyes for any hint of what I’m about to say, but finds nothing.
“I can always promise you the truth. Whatever you ask me, whenever you ask it.” He smiles at me, and I reach for his hand.
“Were you in love with me?” I ask softly. It takes all my strength to say it. I feel embarrassment from head to toe, but I need to know. James lowers his head and nods.
“I still do,” he admits. The silence settles comfortably between us for a moment.
“I’m sorry, J…” He stops me mid-sentence.
“You have nothing to be sorry about, Elizabeth. You never gave me any reason to think that we would be together. You were nothing but a friend to me, and I appreciated the boundaries you placed. It’s just that every time you cried to me about Theo, I hoped it would be the last time you let him in.
Now I know him, I can see why you always went back.
He is nothing but loving to you and treats you like a princess.
I am just happy that you are now happy.” As a group of kayakers sail past, I watch them for a moment, unsure of what to say.
“Thank you, James. I truly do not know where I would be without you.” He pulls me in for a hug, and we sit in peace watching the sun make its final descent into the horizon.
We stroll, hand in hand, up the hill to where Nigel is waiting.
James kisses me on the cheek and says goodbye.
Before I close the car door, I stop and face him.
“Don’t stay away, please, James. I still need you.” He gives a nod and a gentle reminder.
“Make sure you rest when you get home, please.” I smile and promise him I will. I close the car door as he waves me off.
When I get back to the manor, I take off my shoes and head to my room, Bear following behind. I open the balcony windows and lay on the bed, drifting off into a deep sleep. Fully resting, wrapped in a happiness I haven’t felt in so long. My life is finally on the path it was always supposed to be.
It feels right.
Finally feels easy.