Chapter Thirty-Two
After the most horrible night of my life, light seeped through my eyelids, and I heard, “Nadar?”
I opened my eyes to find Jucai beside me, leaning over me to stroke my hair back from my face. Frowning, I sat up. “Where did you go?”
“For a swim.”
“A swim?”
He nodded. “The sea calms me.”
I shoved his shoulder. “I needed you! We could have calmed each other.
For fuck's sake, Jucai.” I climbed out of bed and loomed over him.
“We got closer this time. I felt your soul in me. And then it was torn away! I wept for the first time in years. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would have stayed and comforted me. But you left.”
Jucai stood up. “I was too upset to comfort you. I'm sorry you felt abandoned, but I needed the sea. It gave me strength so that I could be strong for you.”
I shoved him back onto the bed. “I don't need you to be strong for me. I need you to be there for me! You should have sought comfort in my arms, not in those of the sea. Maybe it's a good thing we didn't complete the mating.”
I turned and left the room, pausing only to grab my pants from the floor. Everything else could stay where it was. My anger forbade me from taking longer than I needed to leave.
“How dare you say that!” Jucai followed me. “The Gods have brought us together. Our souls joined last night!”
I spun to growl at him, “For a few seconds. Then they rejected us and returned to where they belong.”
“They did not reject us! Something is wrong, Nadar. I sensed it as I swam. I think something interfered with our mating, and it wasn't the Gods.”
Going still, I considered what he had said. Could another party be responsible for our magic going awry? I shook my head. “It doesn't matter. You showed yourself to be a poor mate last night. I don't want to mate you anymore.”
“Oh, fuck you, Nadar. You want me, then you don't. You want me, but only if I'm like you. You want me, but only for a short time. You want to mate me and then you don't. I'm tired of your games. You don't want to be with me? Fine. Go. Return to the surface. I don't force anyone into my arms.”
“Don't you?” I sneered and turned away.
Jucai grabbed my upper arm and swung me around to face him. “I have never, in all my life, forced myself on anyone!”
“Yes, that's what you've convinced yourself.”
He lifted his chin. “You're angry and using anything to hurt me. I understand. I too felt furious. It's why I went to the sea. She took it from me. Calmed me. But you don't have the sea to take your anger. So, give it to me, Nadar. I will do now what I should have done for you last night.”
“Fuck you!”
Jucai nodded. “And?”
“And? You fucking left me!” I shoved him with both palms on his chest. “You left me when I needed you!”
“I did. It was the loss of you that hurt me, and so I couldn't find comfort with you. I am sorry, Nadar.”
“Fuck you, you arrogant asshole! You don't think about anyone but yourself.
What kind of mate would you make? You'd be a fucking tyrant.
Possessive, jealous, and selfish. You'd convince yourself that you were the greatest mate alive while ignoring my needs.
No one wants to be treated like that. I certainly don't. I'm going home.
Fuck you and your court. I don't give a shit about either of you anymore!
I'm going to tell King Saric that you're a bunch of sex-crazed lunatics.”
Jucai stood there, calmly taking everything I shouted at him, and then waited as I panted through the tide of fury flowing through me.
But underneath that fury was a need I couldn't escape.
I cried out, grabbed the back of his head, and yanked him into a kiss.
My mind spun. He had left me. But I didn't see it as abandonment anymore.
A wounded animal hides. Our failed mating hurt Jucai, and he'd sought sanctuary in the only place he knew would hide him—his precious sea.
As much as it hurt me, it wasn't about me.
Just as I wasn't thinking about his needs when I curled into a ball and sobbed.
He was right; I had expected him to be strong for me.
So, he had left to get strong and then returned.
Which meant that he'd been just as weakened by our broken mating as I'd been.
With a sigh, I withdrew from our kiss. “I'm sorry.”
“No, I'm sorry I wasn't the man you needed me to be.”
“I wasn't what you needed either.”
“Nadar, don't you know? You are everything I need. Even when you cry or rage, you are everything to me.” Jucai pulled me into another kiss, this one tender. It wasn't an apology. It was a revelation.
He loved me. That's what Jucai was saying.
But we both knew it was too soon for that, our relationship too fragile.
So, I wouldn't push him into saying it. Especially since I was uncertain of my feelings.
I had never loved before. Maybe I loved him.
Maybe I was starting to. I needed time to figure it out.
“I'm not trying to play games with you.” I grimaced. “Maybe I was at first, but not anymore. I'm back and forth with you because that's how I feel. This is me being honest. I won't pretend to be someone I'm not for you.”
“I don't want you to be anyone but who you are, Nadar.”
“Then know that my words are unscripted and my actions genuine. Now, what the fuck are we going to do?”
Jucai let me go and regarded me solemnly. “We either keep trying or give up, and I can't want to give up. Not on you.”
“Nor can I give up on you.”
“Then we keep trying. Maybe we get a little closer next time, and then a little closer the time after.”
“The pain will only get worse.”
He took my hand. “I will endure it if you will.”
“I will.”
“Then we are set upon our path. May the Gods help us.”