Chapter 11
‘Ahm, hey.’
It was now two days later, and Will was on the phone to Cath. She knew he’d been trying to get work started on the beach bungalow and wondered if he was calling with an update. Yet his voice sounded unusually hushed. A mere two words, and she felt an odd sense of unease.
‘Hi, Will.’
‘Ahm, I’ve been … to the doctors.’
‘Oh, right. Well, is everything okay?’ He hadn’t mentioned making an appointment, but perhaps it had been on his mind about his ongoing tiredness.
‘Umm, I’ve had a blood test,’ he continued. ‘A PSA.’ The couple of seconds’ silence that followed seemed disturbingly long.
‘Oh.’ She’d heard of that test. Cath felt a cold prickly feeling ripple through her like a shudder.
‘Cath, they’re referring me to the hospital, for an MRI scan … the result came back as “raised”. There’s a chance it might be cancer … prostate cancer.’ His words came out in a rush now. He sounded like he could hardly believe it.
She could hardly believe it. She’d been putting his fatigue down to some virus. ‘Bloody hell. Oh, Will, my love.’ Fuck.
She wanted to hold him, to be with him. But he was on the other end of a phone.
Okay, so this wasn’t a diagnosis; she tried to reassure herself.
This wasn’t real, not yet. A PSA test, how accurate were they?
It was an indicator. Her brain was scrambling, trying to make sense of this.
She finally found more words. ‘When do you go … to the hospital?’
‘I’m not sure. I’ve been referred … Waiting for an appointment to come through. Actually, I think something was mentioned of around two weeks …’
‘Oh, okay.’ Crikey, she didn’t want to sound negative, like this was already real. ‘Shall I come round? Do you want some company? Where are you now?’
‘I’m at the cycle shop. The test results have just come in. The surgery rang me … just before.’ He sounded dazed.
‘Are you all right?’ Stupid question, she knew, but what the hell else did you say?
‘I don’t know. I really don’t know. Depends what happens next, I suppose. I think I’m better keeping busy here for now. I’ve got a few services to be getting on with. That’ll keep me occupied.’
‘Well, it’s just at the investigation stage, hopefully it’ll all be fine.’ She tried to be positive, but as she said the words, unease spread thickly in her stomach. ‘Ahm, do you want to come round to mine after work? I’ll get us some supper …’
Would either of them even feel like eating with this news on the table?
But she didn’t know what else to say, or do?
This was a whole new experience. One she wished she wasn’t bloody facing.
Not Will … how could it be Will? After everything he and the girls had already been through … shit, that seemed too unfair.
‘Yeah, I’ll come round once I finish here … Thanks.’ His tone sounded dull.
She didn’t want to end the call and leave him on his own with this news – okay, so it wasn’t news yet. It was about more tests. That’s how they needed to think about it.
‘Okay, see you later. Take care, my love,’ said Cath.
And they closed the call like any other. But that was so not like any call she’d ever received. And her heart didn’t know what to make of it.
*
Shock made her feel strangely numb, as she put down the phone. No point panicking … and yet, what if it was cancer? What if Will, her darling gorgeous Will, had cancer?
Oh, and, if she was scared – and yes, the initial numbness was swiftly shifting into fear – then what the hell must Will be feeling?
He’d lost his wife to that terrible disease only two years ago …
he’d seen first-hand what it could do, and he and his girls had had to go through that horrendous journey with Jane.
Cath went from feeling numb to sick.
*
She’d felt restless ever since Will’s call.
It was now after four-thirty, she’d already taken one tuition lesson, somewhat distractedly if she were honest, with another due shortly.
She knew that Will closed the cycle shop around 5 p.m., so he’d be due soon, though he might decide to call at his own home first. After such difficult news, she really didn’t want to be mid-lesson when he arrived, but equally, she couldn’t let her student down who was about to take her GCSE maths, either.
Cath wrote a little note for him, and left it on the kitchen table next to an empty mug, a teaspoon and the cafetière which she’d already scooped some ground coffee into, along with a tea plate with a couple of choc-chip shortbread biscuits on.
Simple things, small acts of love. Then she sent a brief text message to his phone, saying ‘see you soon’ and giving the time her lesson finished.
She didn’t want to put him off, but also didn’t want him to arrive, perhaps ready to unload emotionally – though that might be unlikely knowing dark-horse Will, who’d kept his feelings close to his chest ever since she’d met him – to discover an empty room.
It was in the last ten minutes of her tuition session, from the upstairs study, when she heard the front door open and close.
He was here. Her heart felt a strange pang.
She managed to hold the end of the lesson together, whilst fighting the urge to run downstairs and scoop Will up in her arms. Oh, what must he be feeling?
‘Okay, well, thanks very much, Caitlin. Keep practising those algebraic equations. And remember, on the exam day, keep calm, read the paper over first before you launch in, and breathe. It’ll all be there in your mind if you give yourself a second or two to find it.
And your GCSE will go off fine. Give it your best shot. Best of luck, lovely!’
‘Thank you, and you’ve been great.’ The auburn-haired girl on the screen broke into a smile.
She’d been one of Cath’s quieter students this year, far less chatty through the lessons than most. ‘I’m still bricking myself about the exam,’ she continued.
‘But this extra time to go over things has been so helpful.’
‘Ah, you’re very welcome. It’s been a pleasure.’
And didn’t that ‘thank you’ feel good. Cath hoped the young woman would do well – she’d certainly had the right attitude with her studies – and that she’d now be able to move positively into her further studies, and her post-school aspirations, with a decent grade in her GCSE maths exam helping her along her way.
A sound maths result was key to so much.
This was what being a teacher was all about; giving these young people the tools to achieve their dreams, building their confidence and a good work ethic.
Giving them building blocks for their future.
Cath finished their farewells, shut down her laptop and then rushed downstairs. She guessed Will would be in the kitchen; the scent of coffee already drifting through.
‘Hi,’ she called out from the hallway, trying to sound as normal as possible.
On hearing her voice, he’d stood up from his place at the kitchen table. A look of fear, that he was unable to disguise, shadowed his face. ‘Hi …’
‘Oh, my love.’ At last, she was able to take him in her arms, and she felt his weight sink against her as she gathered him to her. They held each other for a silent second or two.
He pulled back to say, ‘I can’t believe that this is happening, Cath.’
‘I know. I’m struggling to process this as well. But it’s just the test stage, remember, Will.’
‘I know, I know. I keep telling myself that, too. But my granda’ had it, prostate cancer.
I remembered in the GP surgery … there were a load of questions.
I’d gone to ask about the fatigue, and mentioned needing to pee a bit more.
They did a well-man check whilst I was in, I was due one soon anyway …
the urine test was fine, and then there were all these questions.
And Granda’, yeah, he died from cancer …
and I tried to remember what kind it was.
Prostate … They suggested the test, and well, here we now are. ’ He released a long slow sigh.
‘Oh, Will. At least, if there is anything, hopefully we’ve caught it early …
’ Cath knew Will would want to be realistic, and positive.
Genetics did seem to play a part. Of course, she’d already been on to Google, between lessons, just to find out a few facts.
See where they might start with all this.
She’d found the Prostate Cancer UK website.
There were many different stages of the cancer, several options for treatment, surgery being one …
But for now, she needed to mentally put all that on hold.
Who she needed to hold and support right now was Will.
‘Christ, I hope this MRI appointment doesn’t take long to come in,’ he added. ‘If it is cancer, I want them to find it and get it out, as soon as …’
‘Of course. But hey, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.’ One day at a time. One stage at a time. It was all they could do.
He held her gaze, adding earnestly, ‘Cath, we can’t tell anyone, not yet.
Not until after the scan, the tests and whatever comes next.
It might yet be a false alarm. And the girls …
’ He was lost for words then. The pain, at the mere thought of having to tell them such devastating news, was etched across his face.
He absolutely didn’t want to be the one to drag them all back through hell.
‘Of course, we can keep this to ourselves for now. No need to worry the girls. But hey, you can talk to me, at any time.’ She had a strong feeling Will would keep this news, and the conflicting emotions he was bound to be having, so close that it would smoulder away inside.
He nodded. ‘Okay.’
‘Another coffee?’ she offered. After fetching a second mug and the milk, she reached for the cafetière. Bloody hell, she felt like she needed a double gin, not another coffee. But that, of course, wasn’t the answer.
They were both now sitting at the kitchen table trying to make sense of this.
It was going to feel like a damn long two weeks until the scan – which he’d been advised it was likely to be – she knew that much.
From looking up prostate cancer earlier, even if it was contained, there was a strong likelihood of surgery or radiotherapy, and there were a whole host of side- and after-effects to consider.
If the PSA indicator was right, then the next chapter in Will’s life, and naturally hers too, was going to be a difficult one.
After a light supper of mushroom and cheese omelettes with salad – something easy that she already had in – they moved to the lounge, settling onto the sofa together.
She leaned in against Will’s chest, and he brought his arm around her.
She could feel his beautiful heart beating below her, as he held her tenderly to him.
This test, the scan … it was their secret to keep for now.
He’d insisted there was no need to worry family or friends.
She loved how he was doing his best to protect everyone else, whilst faced with this terrible dilemma.
Beneath his sometimes cool exterior, lay a heart that cared so much.
‘Whatever it is, we’ll face this together,’ Cath said in a calm, steady voice.