Chapter 15
An hour later, still at Will’s place, having found some comfort in togetherness, he seemed restless, admitting to Cath that he felt both shattered and yet oddly alert.
He had evidently been blown away by today’s news, with the sudden blast of excess energy that had followed the shock having no real outlet.
‘I think I might go out on the bike. Just a short ride. I need some air, some space. Something normal,’ he said. ‘I can’t just sit in and put life on hold whilst I wait for this next appointment.’
‘Yeah, I can understand that. That sounds a good idea,’ agreed Cath.
They’d now looked up the website, read his NHS letter and browsed the leaflets.
So much information, and yet it was still so hard to digest the fact that this was real.
It was late afternoon by this time. A mild late May day, with bubbles of cloud, the chance of a shower.
It’d do him good to get out. Clear his head a bit, if that were possible.
‘I’ll nip home then,’ said Cath. ‘Unless there’s anything I can do here? Or that you want? Come back to mine later, if you’d like.’
She didn’t offer a meal. Right now, Cath didn’t even feel like cooking or eating. Her usual hearty appetite felt like it had been bludgeoned.
‘Ahm, I’ll let you know, when I get back. I just need a little space right now,’ he responded.
‘Yeah, I understand.’ And Cath did understand, much as she felt like wrapping him up in cotton wool, he was still – oddly in the light of today’s news – a fit guy, who needed the physicality of exercise.
And, she knew him well enough to realise he was also an emotionally guarded man, who needed some time on his own.
She so wished he was able to open up more with her, though.
Perhaps if they’d been living together, and were further on in their relationship, they’d have more of a safety net in place, to work through these things as an established couple.
It admittedly hurt to feel excluded in this way, when she had so much to give in support.
But she told herself this wasn’t about her.
Right now, Will needed to get his head around this by himself.
Despite feeling a bit wobbly after the shock of today, she tried not to take it personally.
After an extra-long hug, and a forced cheery-sounding ‘Perhaps, see you later?’ which was more of a question than a statement, Cath returned to her Mini and drove back to her cottage.
*
Sitting alone on her back garden patio, with her thoughts and a small glass of gin and tonic, which she’d caved in and let herself have, she deliberated.
What did she do in the face of this news?
This terrible news that the gorgeous man she’d fallen in love with, the boy she’d known all those years ago, was facing cancer.
She brushed a tear, then another, from the corner of her eye; the silent ones she’d been keeping back all these hours.
All that time wasted being unsure about each other this past year, the will-they-won’t-theys now seemed so futile, and all those wasted years since meeting in their teens …
Had she just found the love of her life, to lose him all over again?
When times were tough, she’d usually offload by chatting things over with someone she trusted.
Yet, she knew she couldn’t tell their friends, not yet, not Nikki, not even her sister.
It was a secret she had to keep for Will’s sake.
It wouldn’t be fair, or right, to share any of this before his girls were told.
Dammit, sitting about moping didn’t feel right, either.
And with the clouds massing, it felt a tad chilly sitting still, even with a cardigan wrapped around her shoulders.
She really ought to start tackling the to-do list for the upcoming Tilldale Tea, now the date was fixed, but her brain was feeling like mush.
That would have to wait for another day.
She spotted a couple of pesky weeds in the garden border.
That’d keep her busy, a spot of gardening.
She went up to the shed, where she kept a few basic garden tools.
The place where, just over a year before, the supper club had first started.
Memories of her and Will and the others forging new friendships flooded her mind.
She couldn’t help but smile to herself, almost hearing their laughter, the chatter and clinking of glasses …
and then, oh yes, that night under the stars, just the two of them, her and Will.
The night when everything seemed to change between them.
And the buds of their love emerged, and began to flourish.
When, after those painful divorce years, life had started to seem magical once again.
Will had given her back that joy in life.
Cancer wouldn’t beat them. It wouldn’t steal their magic, their second chance in love.
It was very likely that surgery would work for Will, and if not – and she’d already looked it up – then radiotherapy could follow it.
They were going to fight this. She’d do absolutely everything she could to support him through this, to get them both to the other side.
There was no way she was going to let this cancer curveball stop them now.
She found her border fork and tackled those weeds, releasing some of her frustration as she turned the earth, picturing those tangled roots as Will’s cancer cells, determined to dig them all out.
As she stood tall, twenty minutes later with a creaking back, she couldn’t help but notice that the borders had burst into a riot of summertime floral colour.
There were jewel-shaded stocks, and big white daisies, tall purple delphiniums alongside delicate yet bold lacy-pink peonies and pretty peach roses in bloom.
As she neared the rose patch, digging and pulling out dandelions by their long thin roots, and strands of what she knew of as ‘sticky willy’, she could smell the roses’ perfumed aroma.
She stood for a second and took in a deep heady breath, whilst gazing at all these gorgeous flowers that Reggie would have planted many years before.
She must remember to tell the old gent all about his beautiful, scented roses when she next visited.
It was grounding being outside, tending the earth, with mud beneath her fingernails.
Despite having been hit with the toughest of news, she found herself beginning to calm.
They would cope with this. They had to. There wasn’t a lot of choice in the matter, after all.
It happened to so many people … cancer. Of course, you dreaded it touching you or yours.
But if it did, then you just had to bloody well face it head-on.
*
‘Cath, is it still okay to come around?’ His voice sounded fragile.
‘Of course. Whenever you like.’
‘Right now?’ Will checked. It had just gone seven-thirty in the evening. Cath had begun to wonder if he’d prefer to be alone tonight.
‘Yes, right now is fine.’ How might he think she’d have ever said no? On any day … and certainly not on the day of his diagnosis.
‘Okay, see you soon.’ Cath felt a sense of relief that he’d reached out. That he trusted her, and wanted to be with her, when he must be feeling at his lowest.
Wine and words followed, as he arrived bearing a bottle of chilled sauvignon blanc.
He told her about his cycling, doing a twenty-mile lap of his favourite hill route and getting drenched in a heavy rain shower – she’d spotted the clouds massing earlier, as she’d finished her gardening, and had wondered about him.
Will said that he’d come back feeling a bit tired, but that getting out had helped.
He’d imagined he’d want a quiet night in.
But then, he confessed, as he’d sat on his own in the living room, he’d felt all wrong, suddenly realising that Cath was the one he needed to be with.
Cath snuggled up beside him; needing him too.
She put on some chilled piano music, and they talked, Will admitting to feeling uneasy about his next FaceTime with the girls, wondering how he’d be able to sound relaxed and normal, knowing he’d not be able to mention a word of what was happening in his life.
Cath reminded him that he could always tell them the truth straightaway, but he assured her that he was holding back for the right reasons, and for their sakes.
She took his hand and reassured him that he’d find a way to get through that call.
They also touched on today’s trip to the hospital, with the next step being a meeting with the multidisciplinary team, and the big decision yet to be made about surgery or radiotherapy.
They talked more generally too, about Adam, about doing up the beach hut, the tea event, the weather, managing to shift the conversation and move it to lighter notes.
It was as though they intuited that an easy-going night with some regular chat was now what they both needed.
*
And so to bed …
Not alone, as it transpired, after all.
Standing face to face in her white-walled bedroom, with its old wooden beams above and rays of hope and fragility in their hearts, his lips met hers.
The pressure tender at first, then deeper, filled with need.
The salty hint-of-wine taste of him, filling her from her tingling toes.
They stood and kissed for a long, slow time, as if they needed to absorb every beautiful second.
How many more kisses might they have in this world? Such chilling thoughts rose unbidden to Cath, yet she knew he had every chance of getting through this fine. Still, those spidery thoughts kept creeping out of the corner of her mind. What if he didn’t? What if he wasn’t one of the lucky ones?
Calm, Cath. Don’t wreck these precious moments. It took a while to still her troubled mind, to let her body relax and for touch and passion to take over.
They removed each other’s clothes slowly, no need to rush.
Their middle-aged bodies; the skin softer now, etched with lines, moles and blemishes, having lived a life already.
Thank God for low-lighting, Cath mused wryly.
Yet still, every touch from Will ignited something within.
Love and longing soon filling her with warmth, and need, and pleasure.
Hearing his soft groans at her ear, as her fingertips traced his stomach muscles just above his hips, lit something within her.
He was definitely feeling all of this, too.
Holding on to each other, they made love slowly and sensually. The world dissolving, for this precious time at least, into this room for two.