Chapter 33
Cath jumped. A loud knocking pounded from the cottage door. Jeez. There was an urgency about the thudding; not your usual parcel delivery driver. Cath was shattered after her hectic day; she’d been home a mere half an hour, and had just crashed out on the sofa with a big mug of tea.
She clambered to her feet, and dashed through the hallway. ‘Okay, okay, I’m coming.’ Was there some kind of crisis? Someone hurt out on the street? An incident on the way home with the elderly in their minibus, heaven forbid?
She pulled open the door. ‘Oh.’
It was Will on her front step. He looked careworn, pale and tired.
Blimey, he must have really overdone it today, but why was he here, not resting up in bed or something? Was something else wrong? ‘Are you all right?’
‘Not really, no.’
Oh, God. Had he had some bad news? Had the results come in, and he hadn’t dared tell her? Was that why his mood seemed blacker than ever? Cath’s mind was in full spin.
‘Cath, I-I’ve done this all wrong …’
Whatever did he mean? Oh, was he breaking things off? Her heart plummeted. Whatever it was, she didn’t need to be having this sensitive conversation on her front step. ‘I think you’d better come on in.’
‘Uhm, can we rewind a bit?’ Will said. He’d reached the hallway now, and Cath was closing the cottage door.
Her pulse was racing, her emotions scattered like a gun had gone off, and she didn’t know whether to flee or face them.
He was standing still, looking so earnestly at her. ‘Cath, can we try again?’ he asked.
‘Oh, Will, what exactly are you saying?’ After all the hurt and confusion, she needed to clarify this.
To be a couple with Will was everything she’d wanted, and yet, she was tired of all this toing and froing, of all this emotional pain.
‘What’s changed?’ Cath needed to know where this was coming from.
If this was genuine, or if it was all just going to happen on repeat; Will letting her get close, then retreating again – until her heart felt sorer and sorer.
Will took a breath. ‘That dance today … holding you close in my arms, just confirmed all those things my heart keeps on telling me, when my mind has been warning me to step away.’ He sighed. ‘Ah, it’s so much more than that …’
Cath realised they had Reggie to thank for their dance.
Their elderly friend had been instrumental in getting them together on the dance floor today.
And he’d evidently been doing far more than that too, as Will began to explain.
‘I was talking to Reggie at the event, he was telling me all about his Elsie. About the wonderful times they’d had, and some of the hard times too, and how much he missed her now that she’d passed.
And even though it still hurt to lose someone so close, he told me he hadn’t regretted a single second of it.
’ He paused, taking a slow breath, before admitting, ‘I have lost someone already, and I’m scared, I really am, of letting love in again.
I was worried I couldn’t survive another ending.
Or put you through the same. But then this evening, I’m sat there thinking, what the hell am I doing?
What am I waiting for? Do I want to spend the rest of my life as a lonely old man, when I have this gorgeous woman right here, or do I risk telling her … you … how I really feel?’
‘Oh, Will,’ Cath began.
‘Wait …’ Will stopped her from saying more. ‘I want you to know the truth first, all of it. Then you can decide.’
So, there was more to this. ‘Come on, let’s go through to the lounge,’ Cath calmy suggested, though inside she was anything but calm.
And taking a seat, Will went on to admit his embarrassment about the urinary difficulties he was facing, and his fear that he’d never function well sexually again.
‘All this, after the surgery, physically, it’s been awful.
Peeing … I thought it might be a bit of a dribble before and after going, but oh no, it’s literally like a leaky fucking tap.
That’s made life so difficult since the op.
I’m getting through pads like a baby in nappies.
I even tried going out on the bike a couple of days ago, and it was a bloody nightmare.
Ended up having to jump over a hedge to try and find somewhere to change the bloody thing. ’
He looked up at her, the distress so apparent in his expressive eyes, before adding, ‘And it’s so hard knowing that I can’t make love to you, not properly, for months yet …
if at all. Not in the same natural way. How could you even want me like that?
And I don’t want you staying out of obligation, or just because you feel sorry for me. ’
‘Oh, Will.’ She knew to let him carry on, to get it all out, now that he’d finally opened up.
‘I told myself by cutting off, I was protecting you, Cath. All the questions whirring in my mind, sending me nuts: What if I don’t make it through this cancer in the long run?
What if it comes back, and you have to go through everything I had to with Jane?
Could I put you through that? I’m so sorry, Cath, but I’d convinced myself you’d be better off without me. You still might be …’
‘Isn’t that my decision to make, though, not yours?’ She held his gaze steadily. ‘And, Will, I don’t feel sorry for you, not in a pitying way, I just feel bloody frustrated that you’ve not told me all this before.’
He sighed, before adding, ‘I did take your advice, finally. I rang the nurse … from that advice leaflet I had. She was brilliant. We had a good chat, and she reassured me that all this was quite normal post-surgery. That things really will improve over time, but it might be months, not weeks, before I begin to feel more like my old self. I’d been expecting too much.
She reminded me of some of the exercises to try, too, which I’ve started. ’
‘Well, that sounds good. So, there’s a way forward with that.’
‘Yeah, there is. And, Cath, I’m so sorry I pushed you away the other night. I acted like a right twat.’
‘Yep, you did.’ Cath wasn’t going to let him get away with it that easily.
‘Oh shit, I’ve really messed up.’ His dark eyes held hers, seemingly searching deep in to her soul.
‘Cath, can we try again? Be a couple. If you still want me? Ah, but I’d understand if I’ve pushed you too far this time.
’ He stopped speaking, gathering his thoughts from their messy, post-surgery tangled web.
‘The real truth is, Cath, at the bottom of all of this, I was trying to protect myself. I was, still am, terrified of losing someone I love, again.’ He seemed so afraid of the deep emotion he was feeling, and all the hurt that might come should it ever go wrong.
‘Today,’ he continued, ‘seeing all those fantastic people in the hall. Hearing the laughter, the chatter, it showed me that life can be good. Even if you’re old, even if you’re frail …
even if you have lost the love of your life.
They are still going strong out there, and grabbing life by the balls.
Jiving, for goodness’ sake. I came to realise that shutting myself off isn’t the answer.
It’s just made me more miserable than ever. ’
‘Blimey, that must have been depressing for you,’ Cath teased, lightening the mood, happy that they were finally talking honestly and openly again.
‘Yeah, it bloody well was.’ He gave a small chuckle. ‘Cath, what I’m trying to say is that I miss you, us,’ he finally confessed.
‘Oh, come here, you bloody idiot.’ She took him into her arms. ‘I miss you, too.’
That hug, oh my. His arms came around her too, and they clung on. Feeling the warmth, the reconnection, the togetherness. No words were needed.
As they reluctantly pulled away, his lips creased into a smile.
Those gorgeously sensual lips that she’d missed so much.
She tilted forward, still holding his gaze, as she reached to brush her lips against his.
The pressure returned from his was warm and welcoming, melding into a kiss.
Woohoo! A proper heartfelt, passionate, tingly toes and oh, all sorts of other parts, kind of kiss.
*
Lying in bed, Will with his boxers on, essential pad in, Cath in her bra and knickers in support.
The rest of their flesh bare, with a mere drape of cotton sheet over them.
They’d not ventured to make love, not yet.
This closeness was enough, for now. She could still trace her fingers over his abs, rest her head against his chest, hear the steady rhythm of his heartbeat.
And in time, she was certain they could get a little more creative …
Will’s breathing had slowed, as he rested in slumber. Finding calm in the storm. Finding each other, once more.
For all the fear, surely it was better to feel, than to cut yourself off.
To let in those moments of pure bliss, as well as the rollercoaster ones of doubt and insecurity.
It was about being human; to love and be loved, in a world, a life, that was always going to have change and at times hurt in it, whether you wanted it or not.
Putting yourself out there, opening up to the beautiful vulnerability of love, wasn’t easy.
But taking that risk, riding that wave, letting yourself really feel the joy, the bliss, as well as those inevitable moments of pain, had to be worth it.
Go on, open your heart to love, she thought, as she lay beside Will, feeling a thrum of warmth and tenderness fill her from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes. It would surely be a bumpier ride, but oh my, what an amazing journey.