February 2031
Dear Hailey,
I’m writing this after we just hung up the phone, but I told you I love letters, so I’m going to keep sending them.
I told you we would make this work, and I’m trying, baby.
I hope you see that. You told me you were afraid of jumping into a long distance relationship but that you were going to be brave and give us a try.
I acted all nonchalant like I’m a fearless asshole.
It’s a lot easier to write my feelings than say them out loud, so I’m here writing all the things I’m afraid to tell you.
I’m afraid to tell you how many fears I have because you think I’m a fearless water cowboy and I have to live up to my name.
I’m afraid this is all a dream, that I’m going to wake up any time now and you either don’t exist or you will leave me.
I’m afraid to move away from Alaska and leave the one thing I’m good at, but I’m also afraid of asking you to move here and having you hate it because you miss everyone.
I’m afraid you’ll move here either way because that’s who you are as a person. I’m afraid you’ll hate me for it.
I’m afraid I’ll die at sea and leave you alone.
I’m afraid I’ll quit my job so I don’t die at sea, be miserable the rest of my life, and eventually leave you alone anyway.
I’m afraid of loving you the way I do and you breaking my heart.
I’m afraid of not knowing how to love you right because I’ve never been loved. Not the way I know you deserve to be loved, at least.
I’m not afraid of jumping from a helicopter or swimming for hours in frigid waters, but I’m terrified of hurting you. I hope you know that.
With all my love,
Ash