19. Harmony
CHAPTER 19
Harmony
Gibs: We’ve been working on perfecting the song. I can’t wait to sing with you.
M y cousin’s text makes my lips turn up slightly at the corners, but my heart is still heavy. I still don’t understand Toby’s turn on me last week. I’ve been teetering between seething mad and utterly depressed. I know Marie and Amanda both notice but neither say anything.
But hearing from my cousin makes my mood a little lighter. Besides my parents and brother, I miss Gibs the most. Lately, the pull to drop everything and go home has been at an all-time high. But I know if I do, it’ll be hard for me to come back to Port Haven. Even if everything I’ve been working for is here.
Being pregnant isn’t easy either. At its best, it’s tiring but mostly it’s terrifying. I don’t have any friends to talk to about it or ask when something doesn’t make sense. I’ve been thinking a lot about my birth mom and how scared she must have been to be alone, pregnant, and in a place where she didn’t feel at home. Not to mention, her addiction and what it could have done to me. It’s…a lot.
I’ve talked a lot to Miss Shelly about it over the years, and she firmly believes that Sevenya understood the risks of her addiction and tried her best to cut back. Miss Shelly thinks my dad had something to do with that. I know they’ve talked about it, too. Miss Shelly and my parents stayed in contact after I left Montana as a kid. She was my dad’s only connection to me before the age of seven.
I still don’t understand why my mom left me, though. Why didn’t she, at the very least, tell my dad about me? It robbed us of seven years of bonding, of being a family.
My dad still fosters big emotions about those lost years, specifically anger and resentment. It initially surfaced when my adoptive mom became pregnant with Fender. He was getting those pregnancy and newborn experiences that he didn’t get with me, and it made him realize how much he missed out on. He’s always worked extra hard to make sure I always knew I was loved, safe, and connected with both Mom and him. It was no different with Fender after he was born.
I guess they were worried I would feel they were replacing me with Fender. But I didn’t feel that at all. I was excited to have a sibling. Fender is a great brother. We’re fairly close despite our age difference.
But then the ugly thought that maybe I’m unloveable surfaces. Rob, and now Toby, abandoned or used me. Each left me to fend for myself in their own way, much like my own mom did. It shouldn’t be such a chore to love me. Obviously, there is just something about me that makes me unworthy of love and support. That makes me hard to stick around for.
I’m almost in the same position Sevenya was. Alone and pregnant. Although, hers was alone by choice. But was it? Addiction was her first love. I didn’t have enough to pull her out of it. Neither did Uncle Sammy or Dad.
Dad.
In the back of my mind, I know my parents will have my back but then again, will they?
Yes, I’m an adult now and don’t necessarily need my parents, but that doesn’t change me wanting to lean on them now. It would crush me to upset them to the point where they would turn their backs on me.
But would they actually do that, Mon?
Gibson is the voice of reason in my head. He always is. Especially in moments like this.
But…I can’t just pick up the phone and tell my mom. My mom and Aunt Ari are both very open about their fertility struggles. Wouldn’t it be a slap in the face to announce to the woman who’s loved me like I’m her own that I became pregnant by accident?
And then there’s Dad. I’ve always been so close to him, and I worry that this will disappoint him to the point that he’d turn away. Why I feel that deep in my bones, I don’t know. My parents have never given me a reason to doubt their unconditional love for Fender and me.
And their love for each other? It’s a deep reverent love, the kind you get once in a lifetime. A playful love and a true partnership. They work together toward their shared destiny. Watching their love continuously evolve and change was the perfect way to grow up. Did they disagree? Of course, they did. But they never brought Fender and me into it. And they never let it linger.
Growing up with that kind of love and to know it is possible, solidifies the disappointment in myself. Sure that kind of bond, kind of love, is possible but maybe just not for me. But that cycle will stop with my baby. I will make sure she knows that she was always wanted and loved.
I need to tell my parents about this baby sooner rather than later.
As much as I already love my little nugget, I’m freaked the hell out. I don’t know if that’s normal or not. I worry about everything I put in my body now. I was never that person who thought much about what she was eating. But now, I find myself questioning whether anything I ingest is good for the baby. And, of course, I worry about what kind of mother I’ll be. The SeaSong takes up so much of my time, and I’m still trying to get the whole SeaSong as a music venue going. Can I do this all with an infant?
Gibs was right. I’m starting to fill out. My favorite jeans have become tighter, some are unwearable altogether. By the time the show with Muted Anarchy rolls around, I’ll likely be sporting a rounded belly that won’t be so easy to disguise. Especially to those who know me best, like Mom and Dad.
But I’m scared to have this conversation with them. I also don’t want to blindside them in eight weeks when they arrive for the show.
It sounds like everyone is coming because the Rebels are great at supporting family. I just hope they mean all family.