Chapter Forty Seven
Caroline
I think it’s around two in the morning, but it's pitch black except for the light on the sound machine across the room.
Chloe is crying in my arms and I am crying right along with her.
I'm sitting on the nursery floor, criss-cross applesauce style, as we both just sob in the dark.
Mine out of pure exhaustion and hers… I am still unsure of.
It feels like all I have said in the past hour is “Why?” or “What do you want?” out of straight defeat.
I have tried everything. I have fed her, changed her, burped her, swaddled her, and rocked her.
She will eventually fall asleep in my arms, but as soon as I try to transition her to laying in the crib?
It's game over. I gave her a paci, patted her booty, and sang songs.
But now? Now I am just delusional and desperate to go back to bed.
Unfortunately, I am here alone tonight. Reid is at some sort of veterinarian conference in California for the weekend.
And my friends invited me out to dinner last night, which irrationally just about sent me over the edge.
It's as if everyone else's lives are unchanged while leaving me behind.
The fear of missing out is real and it's all starting to get to me.
“Alright baby girl, what are we gonna do? Do we just call it a night, move this party to the couch, and turn on some Friends? Or are you finally going to let mommy get some sleep? Pleaseeee?” I beg, staring into her glassy eyes. Apparently me talking to her at least gets her to stop wailing.
I decided to try to put her in the swing as a last ditch effort.
Luckily, the vibration and the lullaby seems to lull her eyes shut.
Laying back down on her rug, I decide to text Reid and hope that he's still awake.
With the three hour time difference, one can only pray that I'll get a response.
Instead, my mind spirals with every passing minute that he doesn't answer. And now I'm crying again.
∞∞∞
I'm suddenly awoken by the sound of the doorknob rattling.
I peek one eye open, seeing the sun peer in through the side of the blackout curtains.
I don't even remember falling asleep. What time is it?
I push myself up to a sitting position, my neck stiff from laying on the floor all night.
I panic, first ensuring that Chloe is still breathing.
Luckily she is still peaceful in her swing next to me.
Then I hear the front door close downstairs and I panic about who on earth could be in the house right now. Unfortunately, my fight or flight mode has settled on the frozen option. I literally can't move or breathe and am thankful that this baby isn't crying for once.
Footsteps move slowly up the stairs, as if they are also trying to be sly. Poppy runs down the hallway towards the intruder. Fuck! I feel like a failure of a mother, not knowing how to protect my child right now.
I nearly blackout when the thud of a duffel bag drops to the floor in Chloe's doorway.
“Holy shit!” I grasp my chest and start sobbing. Out of relief? Overwhelm? Who knows.
“Caroline? Are you okay, what's wrong?!” Reid rushes over to me and crouches on the floor.
“You scared me half to death, what are you doing here?” I ask, completely out of it.
“I got done early, I wanted to surprise you!”
“Well how about next time you warn a girl before sneaking up on a new mom that's home alone?” I say with more attitude than I intend.
“I'm sorry, you're right. Are you…mad at me?” His excitement turns to concern.
“I'm not mad. I'm just frustrated. Where were you last night?” My accusatory tone is not hiding my impending jealousy.
“Last night? I went back to the hotel early and went to bed so I could catch an early flight,” he says, innocently.
“And you couldn't text me back between then?” I don’t know where this anger has come from, but I can’t subdue it now.
“Well, no.. I was trying to surprise you. Why? Wait, where did you think I was?” Reid asks, completely puzzled and unphased by my interrogation.
“Who knows. Who knows where anyone is anymore? I'm here. I'm always right here.” I finally break down in a wail.
“Caroline, I'm not him. I'm not going anywhere. You can push, but I'm not moving. What's really going on?” He is so genuinely concerned and I feel undeserving, but he moves closer and wraps his arm around my body.
I fall to pieces and can't hold my sobs back anymore. Reid grabs my arm and helps pull me up. “Come on, let's talk in our room,” he whispers, glancing over at the sleeping baby.
I flop on the bed as he closes the door and I can feel myself shutting down again. Reid sits next to me on the edge of the mattress and tries to comfort me, silently letting me cry a bit longer. “Talk to me, Cara.”
All I can do is close my eyes and shake my head, hoping he will just disappear. My brain is going down the drain of every terrible possibility. I know they're lies, but I can still feel the incoming panic attack and start hyperventilating.
“Caroline, breathe,” Reid tries to soothe me as my heart races.
“Just. Shut. Up.” I get out in-between breaths. And like a smart man, he listens. He holds me and that's all I need at that moment. A tight hug until I can catch my breath again.
“I'm going to go get you some water.” I just nod my head as he lets go and take the solo moment to calm my nerves. Returning up the stairs just a few minutes later with a large glass of ice water, I accepted it from his hands and took a thankful sip.
And just as I start to get settled down and open to discussion, I hear the baby cries in the other room. Reid and I look at each other. He can definitely see the distraught in my eyes and quickly stands, saying “I got this. Just lay down.”