Chapter Eight #2
“I’m inviting you, Adrian,” she told me, reaching out and grabbing my hand. I stared down at the contact, surprised by it. “Because I know he won’t. He says you need space. Look, I know he knows you better. But I think you need to see you’re not alone down here.”
I blinked at her for a moment before pulling out of her grasp. It was kind, what she was trying to do, and undoubtedly more for Darius’ benefit than my own. So, for Darius, I forced a smile. Even though I didn’t mean it. Even though I knew she was wrong. I am alone down here.
“I joined for him,” I said then, my voice barely above a whisper but somehow, even with how loud the welding level was around us, Roxy heard me.
Her smile faltered as she leaned back and watched me carefully.
“What do you mean?” she asked, warily.
I closed my eyes and took a breath. I wasn’t sure why I was telling her this. I didn’t know her, didn’t want to know her, but I needed to say it to someone, anyone. Even if they wouldn’t understand. Even if they would think less of me because of it. Because it was eating me alive.
“He made me promise, before everything, that we would join the Trials together,” I told her. “When he got Culled, I joined anyway. I thought it was a way to honor his memory.”
I let out a bitter laugh, but she didn’t say anything, just waited for me to continue.
“I didn’t mean to succeed,” I told her. “I didn’t want to be a Champion.
I didn’t want to make it through Trial after Trial.
I never even wanted to compete at all. But I did, for him.
And now, I’m here anyway and it feels like it was all for nothing.
All that pain, all that time, was for nothing.
He still got Culled and, in the end, I guess I did too.
So what was the point? What’s the point of any of this? ”
I expected Roxy to say what Tiberius had when I’d asked him the same question.
I expected her to repeat the mantra of the Underground, the unspoken mission statement which they all seemed to live their lives according to, whether they realized it or not: we keep them alive.
But she didn't. Instead, she frowned, eyebrows knitting together in thought.
“I wonder that too, sometimes,” she admitted, whispering as well. She leaned in close so I could hear her over the clatter of work around us. “Why we do it. Why we keep them alive just to kill and oppress each other, just to run through that cruel gauntlet for some of them to join us here anyway.”
“Then why do you keep working?”
She hesitated, glancing around us as if to ensure we weren't overheard. Then she smiled again but it was sad this time and didn't meet her eyes.
“What else would we do?” she asked quietly and the truth of the statement hit home.
I exhaled, letting my shoulders drop as I turned and looked around at all of the other workers, welding bits and pieces of the life I'd lived up above. What else, indeed. I turned back to Roxy, reaching out and squeezing her arm as she'd done for me.
“Thank you, Roxy,” I told her and I meant it. “I’ll, um, come by tonight. If that’s okay.”
“Of course,” she replied with a grin. Her melancholy disappeared in an instant. She was practically beaming as she bounced on her toes with a nod. “Anytime, Adrian. Truly.”
I forced another smile, for her benefit this time, and turned away from her as she reached for her mask and gloves to return to work.
Tiberius waited for me at the end of the row. I fell in beside him and we made our way further into the level with nothing but the roar of the machinery around us for company.
“Friend of yours?” he asked once we were out of sight of the welding benches.
“Maybe,” I replied. "Not sure yet."
My honesty seemed to surprise him even more than it surprised me.
But then we turned another corner where other welders were working on more malleable metals and Tiberius fell back into his pattern of explanations as we walked along the rows, meeting the workers and discussing their various projects.
We spent hours with the welders. Tiberius introduced me to the floor managers and team leaders as well as welders who'd crafted outstanding works and earned honor for their skill.
He explained the safety measures in place and the checklist we were responsible for on this level.
And this time, I asked questions. Not because I cared but because it made it look like I did.
And maybe that was the only comfort I could give these people as they labored every day in the cold dark; a sense of purpose. No matter how false it may be.
The truth was, these people kept my family alive.
My mother, brothers, Sophie, Graham, Harrison, Dahlia.
Everyone I'd ever known and ever cared about depended upon the goods produced here, by these people.
So maybe I shouldn't be questioning why they did it.
Maybe I should just be glad they did. And maybe I should do my part as well.
Then again, wasn't that whole line of thinking precisely what the gods had predicted when they'd locked us in this cage and thrown away the key?
Tiberius seemed pleasantly surprised by my attitude adjustment but didn’t mention it, as though he was afraid I’d revert to my old ways if he brought up the new.
Regardless, I paid attention during my shift, examining the welders’ work and following Tiberius around as he spoke to some of them.
I even made comments here and there. I tried not to consider the existentialism of it all.
By the time we made our way back to the lift, Tiberius had a bit more bounce in his step than I could remember seeing before. I looked for Roxy on our way but someone new was at her bench now. Her shift must have ended while I worked further in the level.
“Can you press four?” I asked Tiberius who had reached out to press the button for level one once we'd made it onto the lift.
He hesitated before doing as I asked and then turned to face me.
“What?” I grumbled, shrinking away.
“I’m glad you’re going back,” he replied and then turned away without saying another word for the duration of our ride up to level four.
I made my way off the lift on the fourth level, leaving Tiberius behind with nothing but a nod and an unspoken promise to do it all again tomorrow.
As the electric doors closed behind me, I turned and made my way through the halls of the fourth level residential quarters as I had with Darius before, trusting myself to remember the way and hoping I could recall which door among the dozens of exact replicas was his.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wonder long.
I was only a few meters away from where I remembered him taking me before when I heard them.
Big, booming laughs echoed into the corridor around me, most of them unfamiliar, one definitely Darius’. Three men, one woman. I already knew who they were. I closed my eyes and debated turning back.
“I swear,” one of them was shouting. “Pushed him right into the water treatment pools. Then old Joe came out screaming, said the topsiders would have contaminated drinking water for months!”
The speaker finished even louder than he'd begun and the others guffawed at the end of his story. My fingers twitched at my sides, my calves tensing, toes itching to move, to run. I didn’t belong here.
I couldn’t just step into their group, their little world.
I couldn’t insert myself back into Darius’ life as though nothing had ever happened to either one of us.
That wouldn’t be fair of me. And who was to say he even wanted me back in the first place? I couldn’t do this. I had to leave.
I turned on my heel to flee and ran right into a solid mass of hard, muscled chest. Staggering back, I looking up to find Tiberius staring down at me with a frown.
“What are you doing here?” I blurted.
“I knew you’d back out,” he said, something in his tone taunting, grating on my nerves.
“He’s busy,” I told him, nearly growling in my fury. “I’ll come back later.”
I moved to sidestep him but he stepped with me, blocking the way again.
“Go,” he commanded, raising a brow.
“You can tell me what to do when we’re working but you can’t tell me how to live my life,” I spat.
“Pushing everyone away isn’t going to make it hurt less."
I reeled back as though he'd slapped me.
“Someday, you’ll watch him die,” Tiberius told me, his words raking razor sharp claws over my heart. “Whether you go in there or not. But I can promise you the only regret you’ll have is not spending this time you do have with him now.”
I blinked, stunned.
“Go,” he said again, pushing me back slightly.
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream that he had no idea what he was talking about, but that wasn’t true.
Tiberius, more than anyone, understood exactly what it meant to be immortal and surrounded by those who were not.
Who had he loved and watched die? Who had time cruelly taken from him? And how long had he grieved them?
He turned, making his way back to the lift, and I saw the answer in the split second he took to look at the door beyond me once before he disappeared.
He’d never stopped grieving. A thousand years and the pain was still there, written all over his face.
I trembled as I reached out to the door to knock.
Was that my fate? Would I someday walk these haunted halls all alone and broken?
The door swung open an instant later and I raised my gaze to meet Darius’.
“Adrian,” he breathed my name in stunned disbelief, eyes widening at my presence practically more than they had the first time I’d arrived unannounced.