Chapter Twenty-Six
My eyes slowly crack open, dazed with sleep, and I forget where I am.
My body cries from the stiffness; this old, springy couch is not the best place to sleep.
Peyton has her head on the outside of my thigh, sound asleep.
I don’t remember falling asleep… panic arises as I look around the old musky-smelling trailer.
From where I am, it seems like just the two of us here. Gavin and Brenden must have left.
I’m still trying to comprehend what happened in that bathroom.
Gavin wasn’t going to take no for an answer; Reece would have left the room the first time I told him to leave.
Reece doesn’t know much about my childhood.
Hell, Peyton doesn’t even know the full extent; she believes this is my first time experiencing this.
I just continue to lie there, emotionless.
I should be sad. The last few days have been nothing short of an absolute shit show.
I honestly hate to say it but I’m grateful.
The baby would have been more deserving of a mother and father who could have loved and protected them.
I already failed them in the four or five weeks they existed.
Peyton begins to readjust herself as she slowly awakens “Hey, you're awake. Do you need anything from me? Do you want any of the pain meds they sent home?”
“No, Peyton. I’m fine. Do you know where Gavin and Brenden went?”
A faint blush stains her cheeks at the mention of Brenden… I wonder what’s going on there?
“They left not long after you fell asleep… so… are you going to give me the details? Why did you both come out of the bathroom soaking wet?”
“Nothing happened if that’s what you’re asking. He stayed with me and supported me as the meds did what they were supposed to do.”
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry… what exactly did he do?”
“I guess he heard me crying, he came to the door and asked if he could do anything. I told him no… but he didn’t listen. He opened the door and came in.” She sits there silently waiting for me to continue.
“The pain was getting pretty bad, so I assumed it was going to get worse before it got better… He actually kneeled on the bathroom floor in front of me, and just brought his hand to my cheek, and just kept watching me. I guess he could sense something was about to happen to me, so he started the shower and told me I needed to get in.”
“Mhm, go on,” she says as she watches me.
“He just started taking his clothes off, and not like that. The sight of him did help distract me. He wasn’t tattooed back then…
and now he’s covered from head to toe, but anyway, he helped me get undressed for the most part.
I kept my tank top and bra on, so I wasn’t completely exposed.
And then he shuffled us in and aimed the shower head at my lower back.
My lower back was in so much pain, but I didn't think to say anything. But I guess I didn’t have to, it’s like he already knew where the source of my pain was.
He then starts massaging my lower back to help me relax; it actually helps things move along pretty quickly.
I crouched down because of the pain and this man.
My…ex-boyfriend…crouched down with me… still massaging my back…
and then it happened. There was so much blood, but he didn’t care.
We were just there, kinda silent for a few minutes, as everything went down the drain.
” I took a breath to get my thoughts back together.
“He asked me if I was able to clean myself, and if I wasn’t able, he would do it for me.
He didn’t once look at me or try anything.
He was just there, present. Once we were cleaned off, he stepped out and told me to stay in the shower and not look at him.
I guess he took off his wet boxers and just pulled his jeans on.
Then he went into my room and got me clean clothes.
He helped me dress, Peyton. And after I was changed, he carried me out here.
Trying to act calm, cool, and collected, and acting like it's his job to pick up the pieces, when no one asked him to.”
“Juni, can we have a serious conversation? How long are you going to let this go on? Nothing has stopped him. He’s escalating and getting more violent… and what is Gavin's motive? Why is he implanting himself in your life?"
“Because he cares. We have history. It’s a heartbreaking, sad story, but he has left such an impact on me from the very first time we met. I’ll be honest, this is so hard. I would love for him to save me, but he can’t.”
“Why don’t you think he could save you? I feel like that man would burn the world down just to keep you warm… and Reece would just watch you crash and burn.”
“Reece didn’t just ruin me, he buried me beneath every lie, every punch. Trying to heal me with the 'I’m sorry' and 'I love you'. And still, Gavin keeps digging me out of this grave I have found myself in, knowing I’m the ghost of the woman he knew and loved years ago”.
“Then why are we still here? How about this… let’s pack some of your things, get out of this place, even if it’s for a few days? Your body needs to heal. The stress of waiting for him to come back can’t be good for you.”
My head starts moving on its own, back and forth. Frustration is forming in my chest. “Peyton, I can’t, and please don’t sit here and act like you know what will happen if I do.”
Her eyes sting with hurt as they snap to mine. “Yes, yes, I fucking do, Juni. He would get pissed and break even more shit in here. He would threaten you, but you know damn well you have an army behind you waiting to go to war for you.”
“Please just stop,” I say, growing defeated.
“He’s only going to keep escalating, Juni.” She says harshly. “Why are we pretending here?”
“Please stop, Peyton.” My stomach starts to churn. Peyton takes a deep breath and delivers a blow of her own.
“Fine, then if you stay, what is going to be your fate?” I go to speak. But I can’t. My vocal cords are paralyzed.
“He’s going to come home and apologize and make up for what he has done." A humorless laugh escapes Peyton’s lips, followed by a scoff.
“Juni, He only apologizes so he can continue to manipulate you.”
Shrinking in on myself, I plead, “Why won’t you stop attacking me, Peyton?”
“I’m not going to fucking stop, Juni. I’ve been ignoring this for way too fucking long. Every day, he breaks you even more. What the fuck is it going to take for you to walk away before he actually kills you? Would you accept these bullshit excuses if it were me?"
Anger blooms deep in my chest. My defenses are shooting up. “You don’t think I know? I dug this grave. I made it my bed, now I need to fucking lie down in it. I. Am. Trying.” I say as my anger flares.
“You're not fucking living, you're attempting to survive and are treating it as the same fucking thing!” Her voice cracks. I can’t look at her anymore. I turn away and fold into myself, wishing I could just disappear. “Let Gavin and me help you,” Peyton begs behind me.
Staying silent, I squeeze my eyes shut. “He has already done more than enough.”
“And yet, you're still sinking, refusing the life raft right in front of your face,” her voice clogging again with emotions. “Why won’t you let us help you? Let us pull you out?”
Because… I’m scared of dragging the only two people I love down with me because I’m terrified. Because I don’t know who I would be anymore. Of course, I don’t voice that, don’t say any of it. The only thing I’m able to choke out is, “ I already told you I can’t leave.”
A frustrated yell escapes from Peyton. “Yes, yes you fucking can! You’re just being stubborn and refusing to help yourself.” Her accusation feels about the same as Reece’s fist. At my peak of frustration, I turn back and face my best friend.
“When are you going to understand that talking about leaving is so much easier than actually doing it? You think I’m choosing him? I don’t have a fucking choice, Peyton!”
“Yes! You are going to continue to choose him every time you stay, every time you accept his bullshit apology!" My lungs feel as if they are collapsing inside my chest.
“Get. The. Fuck. Out.” I grit my teeth so hard I’m surprised they don’t crack.
Peyton instantly panics. “Juni…”
“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!” All of my emotions come slamming out of me all at once. Like a volcano erupting. I visibly watch her body sag with defeat.
“I know you're angry with me, Juni..,” she says quietly. “But I’m not sorry, I would rather you be angry with me than have to say goodbye to you for good in some cold, lonely cemetery."
My facade cracks, “Please, Peyton, don’t make me ask you again, please just leave.”
Retreating, breaking with every step, she croaks. “When you're ready to love yourself and set yourself free, call me.” The door silently clicks shut.
My body gives out, and I fall to my knees, but they give out too.
I’m lying on my side. My tears really start to fall.
This is the type of breakdown that doesn't make a sound. Trying to get myself together desperately. It’s not because she got angry, it’s not because she left me when she promised she never would.
It’s because she's right, and now I’m in this grave alone, because I’m too weak to leave. So, I just lay there. Facing the life I chose.