Chapter 10
On the dot of five o’clock that evening Barney reached forward to switch his computer off as he always did.
Five minutes earlier Jolene had already tidied up her makeshift desk and closed her laptop down. Barney got up to take his coat from the rack by the door, buttoned it up and turned to leave without saying a word. Just as he did every night. Jolene shouted a hasty farewell as she scampered out the door after him, determined not to let him out of her sight.
Outside on the pavement, he pulled a knitted hat out of his pocket and put it over his head before heading left. Cars streamed past on the road, their headlights illuminating a very gentle snowfall, otherwise invisible in the dark air. Jolene smiled. She hoped it would get heavier. A dusting of snow on the ground over the weekend would be lovely. She walked briskly until she was alongside Barney. She was on a mission.
‘Hi, Barney,’ she said. ‘Didn’t know you lived this way. Mind if I walk with you?’
Barney barely glanced at her, just continued straight ahead, his hands deep in the pockets of his wool coat.
Jolene didn’t know what to say but she knew she needed to make conversation so she came out with the bog-standard opener for the entire duration of December.
‘So, are you ready for Christmas, then?’ she asked.
He said nothing.
‘I’m getting there. My closest friends live all over the place so I’m in the process of making them stuff. You know, stuff you can post. I’ve been crocheting A LOT! I think they’re going to really love what I’ve made. And as for family, well, they’re easy. Dad is obsessed with Arsenal so I give him Arsenal-branded stuff every year. Then Mum, well, last year I made her a cardigan, which she really liked, but this year I’m thinking we might go and do something together. So, maybe a pottery class or something. Something we can both enjoy. I used to do pottery up at uni and I really miss it. What about you, Barney? Do you have many to buy for?’
‘No,’ he replied gruffly.
‘Oh, right, good. That means it’s not so hard, then. Pretty straightforward, not having too many.’
Barney stopped abruptly at the edge of a road to let some cars go by. Then he pressed ahead.
‘I’ve already sent one present,’ said Jolene. ‘To my friend in the Cook Islands. Which I’d never heard of until we connected online. It’s a small island in the Pacific, kind of not far from New Zealand. She says I can visit any time, but I’ve looked at flights and they are so expensive, and I’ve still got my student loan to pay off and all that, so I don’t think it will be soon. Have you ever heard of the Cook Islands?’
‘Yes,’ said Barney as they headed through a gate into a park. It was very dark, with just a few lamps casting a dim light. The snow was getting slightly heavier now, to Jolene’s delight. However, she suddenly felt ill at ease. Where were they? She had been so busy chatting that she hadn’t noticed where they were going and now they were somewhere that was, quite frankly, a bit scary.
Barney stopped abruptly and faced her. ‘Why are you following me?’
‘I … I thought you might want some company on the way home.’
‘Well, I don’t,’ he said, turning and heading further into the park. She glanced back to where they had come from. She didn’t like the look of it. So dark. She didn’t want to be alone here. This was a scenario a female in her position would be warned not to enter. She rushed to catch up with Barney.
‘Can I just walk through with you the rest of the way. I … I don’t really want to walk alone.’
‘I’m not walking through,’ said Barney.
‘Oh,’ said Jolene. ‘Where are you going then?’
‘Here,’ he said. He strayed off the path and walked towards a clump of bushes. Oh my God, thought Jolene. What is he doing? What have I done?
She watched as Barney approached a bench just in front of the bushes, brushed some snowflakes off the seat, then sat down. He pulled his coat closer around him and bent his head. He sat absolutely still for what seemed like for ever. Jolene had no idea where she was now and no idea how to get out of the park. She had no choice but to go over and slowly lower herself beside him on the bench, trying to be invisible.
Barney stayed with his head bowed for some time as she sat as quietly as possible. Her eyes were getting used to the dark and she could now see that they were at one end of a large open space surrounded by trees. She could hear the hum of London in the background and the glow of the city rising above the trees. She felt herself relax slightly, feeling less threatened She could see her breath in the cold air and she watched as it twirled upwards, mingling with Barney’s.
Eventually Barney raised his head and looked across the field.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Jolene. ‘I was scared to be alone and I didn’t know where I was.’
‘Then you shouldn’t have followed me, should you?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she said again. She paused for a moment. ‘Where are we?’ she asked. ‘It’s kind of beautiful. I imagine it’s lovely in the daylight.’
Barney sighed. ‘It’s Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens,’ he said. ‘Have you never been here before?’
‘No,’ said Jolene. ‘Didn’t even know it was here. Never heard of a Pleasure Gardens.’
Barney coughed.
‘It opened in the mid-seventeenth century,’ he began. ‘There were hot-air balloons and tightrope walkers and fireworks and music, apparently.’
‘Wow,’ said Jolene, trying to imagine all that happening so long ago. ‘Do they have entertainment here nowadays?’
‘They sometimes have a big screen over the summer, showing films, I think.’ He paused and swallowed. ‘They used to have an ice rink, right over there,’ he said, pointing.
‘Oh, I bet that was lovely,’ said Jolene. ‘I wonder why that stopped.’
Barney shook his head. ‘It didn’t pay, I guess. Like most things, if it doesn’t make money it disappears.’
They sat in silence for a few more minutes.
‘So,’ she said eventually. ‘You come here often, do you?’
Barney leaned back on the bench and folded his arms closely round his chest.
‘Nosy, aren’t you?’ he said.
‘I’m just trying to make conversation,’ she said. ‘My mum says I ask too many questions, but I’m just interested. I like talking to people. I’ll go, if you want to be alone, though.’
Barney didn’t reply for a moment. Then he said, ‘I met my wife on our first date here. I bought her an ice cream from the kiosk over there. I pushed my daughter round in a pram every Sunday morning whilst my wife went to church. I taught my daughter how to ride a bike over on that pathway and we came here to take photographs the day she got married. And every Christmas Eve we would come ice skating. Family tradition, just as it was going dark. Then we’d go to the Nelson for a drink and fish and chips on the way home, then church at midnight to sing a couple of carols.’
Barney’s voice cracked ever so slightly towards the end.
‘It’s a very special place, then,’ said Jolene.
Barney nodded.
He shifted in his seat to one side. He took his phone out of his pocket and shone its torch at the back of the bench. There was a plaque. Jolene leaned forward to read.
IN LOVING MEMORY OF LINDA CALLOW (1959–2020)
HERE WHERE GOOD TIMES HAPPENED
Jolene couldn’t quite make sense of what she was reading. Then, of course, it struck her. How could she have been so stupid?
‘Was Linda your wife?’ she asked.
‘Of course she bloody was!’ exclaimed Barney. ‘Do you think that I’d come and freeze my nuts off for anyone other than my wife?’
‘Sorry, sorry, it’s just that I’m prone to getting things wrong and misinterpreting things, so I ask questions to help make sure I’ve got it right.’
Barney leaned back against the bench and covered up the plaque as though she had offended his wife by merely asking the question.
They fell into silence again. Jolene gazed across the black field.
‘She was young,’ she stated.
‘Correct,’ clipped Barney. ‘Too bloody young.’
‘Was it cancer?’ asked Jolene.
He didn’t answer for a moment and she was worried that again she had asked the wrong question.
‘Covid,’ replied Barney. ‘Bloody Covid.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Jolene.
‘Whilst Boris was fannying around with what to do about bloody Christmas I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to Linda in hospital. She died alone on 1 December.’
‘Oh God,’ gasped Jolene again. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘She loved Christmas,’ he continued. ‘She’d have the tree up on 1 December. We’d each have an Advent calendar; bloody carols would be playing constantly in the house. Constantly. She loved carols.’
He bowed his head.
Jolene froze in fear, worried that she had made him cry.
‘Her Advent calendar is still on the mantelpiece,’ he said. ‘She’d planned ahead and looked it out in good time. Then she went into hospital. Every day since she died I come downstairs, hoping that it was all a nightmare and I’ll see she’s actually opened the doors. But she hasn’t. They’re all still shut.’
Jolene wiped away a tear. That was the saddest thing she had ever heard.
‘So forgive me for not getting all excited about Christmas and your decorations and your biscuits and your Secret bloody Santa Project. Christmas simply does not bring joy into my life. Quite the opposite. Christmas means remembering what I’ve lost, and the time I was separated from my wife when she needed me most, and the fact that I never got to tell her the things I wanted to. I never even got to say goodbye.’
‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ said Jolene.
‘Well, you did,’ said Barney. ‘You young people are all the same. All you can think about is yourselves and having a grand old time and doing exactly what you want to do. To hell with what anyone else is feeling or doing. You reckon you’re the first people on this earth with your oh-so-clever ideas about how we should all be doing things. Let me tell you, Jolene, I have worked for the council for thirty years and you are not going to last five minutes. I’ve seen it time after time. You come in all bright eyed and bushy tailed, full of energy, and then the minute the going gets tough you’re out of there. You just can’t hack it. No stamina, no resilience in your generation whatsoever. You’ll be gone by Christmas, mark my words. You’ll never cope.’
Barney got up and walked away.
Jolene waited, then followed him at a distance until they were out of the park. Then she went home, trying to work out how on earth she was going to show him that she wasn’t like the other people who arrived at the council and gave up. She’d stick at it. She knew she would. She was also frantically trying to work out what on earth she was going to get for Barney for his Secret Santa that would bring him any Christmas joy whatsoever.