The Secret Santa Project

Chapter 29

Diane paused by the coffee machine. It was the last day in work before Christmas and Kev appeared to be having some trouble. His brow was furrowed and he was staring deep into the machine abyss. Suddenly he pulled his leg back and kicked it before leaning his forehead against the glass.

‘Everything all right, Kev?’ she asked.

‘Oh God, you didn’t see me do that, did you?’ he gasped. ‘I didn’t do that. I gave a disciplinary to someone for kicking a recycling bin last week so it’s hardly setting the right example, is it, if I’m caught kicking the coffee machine?’

‘It’s all right, Kev,’ she said, laying a hand on his shoulder. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’

‘Oh, thank you, Diane, thank you.’

‘Are you OK, though?’

‘I’m fine, I’m absolutely fine,’ he said. He coughed and put his tie straight. He looked up and spotted she was wearing a Santa hat. A look of confusion spread over his face before he gathered himself. ‘I was on my way to see if you had arrived, actually. I know it’s so hard, but I really do need your restructure this morning. If you want to sit down and talk it through …’

‘It’s done,’ said Diane with a grin.

‘Really?’

‘Yep. I was on my way to give it to you. Here it is.’ She held up a single sheet and handed it to him. He looked at her in shock, then took it from her and spent a few moments scrutinising it. He screwed up his face, then looked back at Diane.

‘This is it? Your new department organisation chart.’

‘Yes,’ she nodded.

He looked at it again in utter confusion, then back to her.

‘I know that the menopause can lead to brain fog and lapses in cognitive ability. Are you sure that you want to submit this chart in your current mental state?’

‘I am not in a mental state, Kev. And you really need to stop blaming the menopause for all my actions. Yes, it is having an impact on my life but I am more than capable of telling you if I think it is affecting my work life. Now, as far as this chart goes, I have never thought more clearly in my life, so you can go and add that to your restructure presentation and report that the Accounts team are very happy to have indeed reduced their head-count by one person. Now I must go and share the news with the rest of the team. We’re having our annual Christmas Coffee this morning as well as exchanging our Secret Santa gifts, and I’m sure they will all be keen to know what the outcome of the restructure is before we break up for Christmas, don’t you?’

Kev was staring at her, open mouthed.

‘Are you sure you are feeling OK?’ he asked her.

‘Do you know what?’ she said. ‘The honest answer is that I do feel a little strange. A hell of a lot has happened within the last twenty-four hours but … but … for the first time in a very long time I woke up and was looking forward to coming to work. Now isn’t that a thing?’

Kev looked at the chart again and frowned.

‘I’ll be here if you need me,’ he said.

‘Thanks, Kev, but I think I can handle it.’

Jerry and Jolene had been in the office since 8 a.m., preparing for Christmas Coffee. They had been liaising over the last few days and agreed to help each other out with their Secret Santas, which had been extremely productive. Part of the agreement was that they would both come in and add a few more decorations to get everyone in the mood.

‘Bloody hell,’ said Jolene, taking a step back when they had finished. ‘This looks amazing.’

‘Too much?’ asked Jerry, looking round at the tinsel garlands hanging from the ceiling and the fairy lights zigzagging across the room. It wasn’t his usual taste, but he figured over the top was the only way to go. And that was what Jolene wanted. ‘Hang on a minute,’ he said, diving for a socket switch. ‘You need to see the full effect.’ A light hit a glitter ball rotating silently in the middle of the room. He flicked the main light off and the effect was complete. The office was transformed into a magical sparkly, star-lit otherworld. It was pretty dazzling.

‘Wonderful,’ said Jolene. She noticed that Jerry looked a bit teary, a bit red eyed. She hoped he wasn’t coming down with anything. He switched the main lights back on and stopped the spotlights.

‘Are we all set?’ she asked him. ‘Is everything in position?’

‘I believe so,’ nodded Jerry. ‘We’re good to go.’

Barney wandered in and didn’t acknowledge the transformed room in the slightest. He sat down in his chair holding a very large red bow. He smiled at Jolene. Actually smiled.

‘You all set?’ asked Jolene.

‘As ready as I’ll ever be,’ he said. ‘Is one of those for me?’ he asked, nodding at the Christmas coffees that Jerry had popped out for earlier.

‘Shall we wait until everyone’s here?’ said Jolene. ‘We need to start properly.’

‘OK,’ sighed Barney. ‘Just love cold coffee.’

Yang slid sheepishly in, looking exhausted, as if he hadn’t slept all night. That was not good, thought Jolene. He needed to be wearing a smile.

‘Well, at least there’s no pressure on you today,’ Jolene said to Yang. ‘Not like the rest of us. You already nailed your Secret Santa, looking after Grace for Stacey.’

Yang sat on the edge of his desk and dangled his feet, looking at the floor. ‘S’pose,’ he shrugged.

Sweet baby Jesus, thought Jolene. This did not bode well at all.

Stacey arrived finally, in a rush as usual. She dumped her bag on her desk and pulled her coat off. ‘Sorry,’ she said to Jolene. ‘I just could not bring myself to wear a Christmas jumper. I’ve just got too much on my mind.’ She stood in the middle of the room, her eyes darting everywhere. She looked more harassed than Jolene had ever seen her. ‘I mean there is so much going on and … and … well, one of us could be out of a job by the end of today.’

Jolene swallowed. She’d kind of forgotten about that. That might put a severe dampener of things. Maybe that was why Jerry and Yang looked so miserable too.

‘You have no need to worry,’ announced Jerry. ‘It’s going to be me going. Guaranteed. So none of you need worry. Let that be my extra little Secret Santa present to you all.’

‘No, Jerry,’ exclaimed Stacey. ‘What are you talking about? It’s not going to be you. Diane totally relies on you.’

Jerry looked up at them all. ‘It’s complicated. I can’t explain, but I can absolutely one-hundred-per-cent guarantee that Diana will be getting rid of me.’

‘Never, ever predict a lady,’ said Diane, walking in behind Jerry.

‘Diane, can I have a word, please?’ said Jerry, going very pale. ‘Just before—’

‘Absolutely not,’ said Diane, brushing him off. ‘I believe it’s Secret Santa Project time, is it not, Jolene? I’ve put my best Christmas earrings in so we’d better make a start, hadn’t we?’

‘Er, yes,’ said Jolene. ‘Yeah, let’s do it. Do you want to hand out the Eggnog Lattes, Jerry?’

‘Yeah, I guess,’ he said, looking at Diane warily. He quickly handed out the paper cups and then stood nervously beside Stacey.

‘This is delicious,’ said Yang. ‘Cold eggy milk with a back note of cinnamon. Yummy.’

‘Cheers, team,’ said Diane, raising her cup. ‘Merry Christmas to you all.’

‘Not going to be a very merry Christmas for one of us, is it?’ said Stacey miserably.

‘Shall I start?’ said Diane cheerily.

‘You’ve given it away if you announce you’re going to start,’ said Jolene. ‘It’s Secret Santa!’

‘I think the secrecy in our Secret Santa disappeared a long time ago, don’t you? Right when Yang offered to babysit for Stacey.’

Yang and Stacey were standing on opposite sides of the room both staring at the floor. Stacey had what looked like an anxiety rash spreading up her neck to her face. She was clearly extremely stressed.

‘Well, anyway,’ continued Diane. ‘I don’t mind announcing who I got. So I picked out … drumroll, please?’

Jolene was the only one to manage a drumroll.

‘I got … Jerry!’

‘Oh my God,’ muttered Jerry. ‘I am so dead.’

What was wrong with him, thought Jolene. He was acting very strangely.

‘Jerry,’ said Diane. ‘I have to admit I didn’t give much thought to what my Secret Santa was going to be until last night.’

‘Diane, I … I’m so sorry …’

‘Hush. Don’t fret. Because with a little help from my husband, I realised exactly what I should give you.’

Jerry was trembling and was covering his face with his hands.

‘Here’s the new structure,’ she said, holding a piece of paper towards him.

Stacey gasped.

Jerry uncovered his eyes and looked directly at Diane for the first time. He nodded as though accepting his fate. As though he was about to be led to the gallows. Jolene had no idea what was going on.

Jerry looked down at the chart for a moment. Then he turned it over to look at the other side as though he thought something was missing. Then he scrutinised it again. His brow furrowed.

‘I don’t understand,’ he said. ‘Have you given me the right one? You must have made a mistake.’

‘Let’s see,’ said Stacey, grabbing the piece of paper off him. She looked up at Diane immediately. ‘What is this?’ she asked. ‘Where are you?’

Jolene peered over Stacey’s shoulder and saw the top line of the structure where you would expect Diane to be. Except she wasn’t. She was nowhere to be seen. In her place was Jerry, along with her job title, and then Yang and Stacey reporting into him with Barney with a dotted line to Stacey.

‘Hopefully, somewhere in the Pacific is where I’ll be,’ smiled Diane.

Actually she was grinning. She was like a new person. What on earth had happened?

‘I don’t understand,’ said Jerry. ‘After last night, surely you should be getting rid of me.’

‘What the hell happened last night?’ asked Stacey. ‘Christ, I’m so confused. Am I drunk? What is in these Eggnogs? I so don’t know what to think any more. It’s like the world has turned upside down.’

‘A lot happened last night, didn’t it, Jerry? Maybe you should explain.’

‘Really?’ he asked.

She nodded and folded her arms.

He turned to everyone. ‘You know the coffee-shop man?’

‘Yeah,’ said Stacey.

‘Turns out he was Diane’s husband all along.’

Everyone gasped.

‘What! Hang on a minute! How? Oh my God, but how the hell did that happen …?’

Everyone was clamouring with questions, shouting over one another. Until Barney boomed over everyone else.

‘You stole Diane’s husband and now she’s promoting you?’

‘I didn’t know he was Diane’s husband,’ said Jerry. ‘I would never ever—’

‘I know,’ said Diane. ‘I know that.’

‘You seem really weird about it,’ said Stacey.

Diane let out a sigh. ‘I do feel weird about it. That’s a good way of describing it. Because I know I should be distraught, but I guess the truth is that Leon and I haven’t been happily married for a very long time. So I kind of feel relieved, but still upset. Does that make any sense?’

‘Human beings are weird,’ said Yang, glancing at Stacey.

‘But he’s a man?’ said Barney, pointing at Jerry. ‘And your husband was married to you. A woman.’

Diane nodded. ‘I know, Barney. Not what I was expecting, really. Difficult to understand. But look at it this way. I didn’t get jilted for a hot sexy young female. I think I’d much rather it be a middle-aged man with dodgy stubble.’

‘Sorry,’ said Jerry, his hand flying to his chin. ‘I forgot to shave this morning. I was in a right tizz.’

‘Not surprised. You just stole the boss’s husband and her job!’ said Yang with raised eyebrows. ‘How does anyone pull that off?’

Jerry looked completely nonplussed.

‘Leon gave me his present last night,’ said Diane. ‘And it’s the best Christmas present I have ever had. It’s going to change my life.’

‘An air fryer?’ said Jolene. ‘My mum says it’s changed hers.’

‘No, not an air fryer. Do you remember that video you took of me singing on the stage with the elves?’ she asked Jolene.

‘Yeah,’ said Jolene. ‘You were amazing.’

‘You sent it to Leon, didn’t you? Well, he sent it to a friend of his who casts singers on cruise ships. He took me to meet him last night. One of his singers has just got pregnant. He needs maternity cover and fast. And I’m in!’ A massive grin swept over Diane’s face. ‘I’m going to sing my way around the Pacific Ocean. I leave on Boxing Day.’

Jolene screamed. ‘Oh my God, the love of your life! You told me that in the theatre. That singing was the love of your life. This is so amazing!’

Diane’s eyes were flooded with tears. ‘I’m going to sing again,’ she said, clutching Jolene. ‘I’m going to sing again.’

‘I … I’m in shock,’ said Jerry. ‘I … how is Leon?’ he asked, looking the most confused anyone had ever looked, ever.

‘He’ll be in touch, I’m sure,’ she said. ‘At an appropriate time. Possibly when I’m on a boat somewhere in the Caribbean.’ She grinned.

Jerry looked down at the chart again, then back up at Diane. ‘You are the most amazing person I have ever met,’ he said with tears in his eyes.

‘Just you make sure you look after this lot,’ she told him. ‘I need to know I’m leaving them in safe hands.’

‘Of course,’ said Jerry. ‘I’ll look after everything and … and if you ever want to come back, well, I would step aside in an instant.’

‘Thanks,’ said Diane. ‘I won’t, but thanks anyway.’

‘Well, now that it appears that those who want to stay here are staying,’ said Barney, ‘it seems like a good time to do my Secret Santa.’

‘Ooh yes, Barney,’ said Jolene, keen to move things along. She couldn’t wait to do her Secret Santa. Albeit she wasn’t sure if she could top Diane’s.

They all went quiet as Barney reached round and picked up the bright red bow on his desk and stuck it to the back of his chair. Then he looked up and slowly rolled the chair towards Jolene.

‘It’s all yours,’ he said. ‘Welcome to the team.’

Jolene was speechless.

‘I’m glad you’re here,’ he said. ‘You’ve made such a difference. To the team and to me.’

Jolene couldn’t believe what she was hearing. The man went out of his way to make her feel like an idiot and that she didn’t belong. He was actually giving her his chair.

‘But what will you sit on?’ she asked.

‘Oh, don’t worry about me. I have contacts in Facilities. I’ll get a chair.’

‘Of course you will,’ said Jolene. ‘Thanks, Barney. I can’t tell you what this means.’

‘I’ll have it back when you move to a different department and forget all about us,’ he said.

‘I will never forget all of you,’ she replied, looking round at everyone smiling at her. Things were so different from when she had arrived.

‘Oh, and one other thing,’ Barney said, getting an envelope out of his pocket. ‘I’m not sure if this is allowed because I had to pay for it, but I’ve signed you up to go to the pottery class that Bella goes to. You said you liked pottery and, well, actually I’ve signed myself up as well. If that’s OK?. Figured I need to start doing something with my evenings. If you don’t mind me coming too.’

‘Of course not,’ gasped Jolene. ‘That would be brilliant. You’re going to love it, Barney, I promise you. Once you get your hands on that wet clay it’s the most amazing feeling.’

Barney raised his eyebrows. ‘If you say so, Jolene.’

‘My turn, I think,’ said Stacey. She took some deep breaths. She looked like she was calming down and the rash had disappeared from her neck. Albeit her eyes were still darting all around the room as if she didn’t know who or what to look at. ‘Well, at least I can give this one now,’ she said. ‘I wasn’t sure, but now it’s all OK.’ She took an envelope out of her bag and gave it to Diane.

‘If you sacked me I was going to give you something else, if I’m honest, no idea what. A piece of my mind perhaps.’ She gave a small grin. ‘But this is all good now.’

Diane opened the card inside and a big smile spread across her face. ‘I would love that,’ she said, taking Stacey in her arms.

‘I’m ditching my mum’s Christmas this year,’ Stacey told everyone. ‘I’m having Diane over. She’s looked after me way better than my own mum since Grace was born. So it’s only fitting that she spends Christmas with us, especially as her own daughter is disappearing.’

‘I’m so honoured,’ said Diane. ‘Let me know what I can bring, won’t you? Let’s make it really easy and just slob on the sofa all day and eat chocolate and have girlie chats with Grace.’

‘Sounds perfect,’ grinned Stacey. ‘Can’t wait.’

‘So who have we got left?’ said Jolene, looking round the room. ‘Mine and Jerry’s?’

‘I haven’t had anything yet,’ said Barney.

‘Just be patient,’ said Jolene.

‘I’ve already done mine,’ said Yang, still looking down in the mouth.

‘Yep, got that, plenty of babysitting, well done, Yang,’ said Jolene. ‘So shall we do Jerry’s then? Are you ready?’

‘As I’ll ever be,’ he said. ‘So Yang. I drew you and I need you to go into Diane’s office and put on the outfit I have laid over the chair.’

‘It’s not a turkey, is it?’ he sighed. ‘You’re not going to make me look stupid, are you?’

‘No,’ said Jerry. ‘Not at all. Promise. Just go in there and get changed. Don’t forget the shoes.’

Yang slid wearily off the desk and wandered into Diane’s office. He walked in and then peered out again.

‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked.

‘Absolutely sure,’ replied Jerry.

He shut the door behind him and Jerry leaped up. He flipped off the main lights and flipped a switch at a socket, transforming the office into the perfect fairy-lit grotto, complete with the glitterball bouncing multi-coloured lights all over the room.

‘Wow,’ said Stacey. ‘That’s beautiful.’

‘Good,’ said Jerry. ‘That’s good, glad you like it. You ready, Yang?’

The door opened and out stepped Yang in full tuxedo, including bow tie. He looked immaculate. Jerry had even left him a comb to do his hair. He looked as if he was from the Rat Pack.

Diane let out a wolf whistle. ‘Looking hot, baby,’ she grinned.

‘You look amazing,’ said Jolene.

‘Proper smart,’ said Barney, nodding.

Stacey said nothing, just stared with her mouth open.

‘Is this it?’ asked Yang. ‘You bought me a tux? You weren’t supposed to spend anything.’

‘No,’ said Jerry. ‘That is not it. I borrowed the tux, but we all now need to go for a little walk and the rest of your Secret Santa will be revealed. Coats on, everyone.’

‘What about me?’ asked Barney. ‘I haven’t had mine yet.’

‘You will,’ said Jolene. ‘Patience, Barney, patience. It’s you next, actually. But you need to come with us.’