Chapter 23
Briggs
I should tell her to go, but she’s the only thing keeping me from getting in my car and driving off a fucking cliff.
I wouldn’t actually do that, but I’d do something destructive.
Punch in a wall. Bash a window. Break every damn piece of china my mom left behind.
It’s the only way I could deal with this pain if I were alone.
And maybe that’s what I should do. Maybe I should tell Ella to go and then destroy the shit out of this fucking house that I hate.
But I don’t want her to leave. There’s something about having her here that makes what happened tonight seem not as devastating. Maybe it’s because Ella doesn’t even have a mom, so the fact that I still do makes me feel like I shouldn’t complain, even though my mom doesn’t give a shit about me.
She’s not coming to my graduation. I got the text just as Ella and I were leaving my room to come downstairs. Ella could tell something was wrong and asked me about it, but I couldn’t tell her. I was too embarrassed that my own mother wouldn’t be coming to my graduation.
I’m her only son. I’m graduating at the top of my class. But apparently that’s not important enough for her to show up. She has better things to do. Who the fuck knows what those things are, but they take priority over her son.
“Briggs?” Ella points to the microwave, which is beeping. “Want me to get it?”
“No, I got it.” I take out the plates and bring them to the other side of the island where we have barstools lined up. I take a seat, my mind still on my mom, angry she didn’t even have the decency to call and tell me the news.
“What’s going on?” Ella asks, sitting beside me.
“Nothing.” I go to pick up my fork, but notice I don’t have one. I get up and go to the drawer where we keep the silverware. I grab a couple of forks and return to my seat, handing a fork to Ella.
She sets it down and turns to me. “Was it that text?”
I look at her. “What are you talking about?”
“Upstairs. You got a text and seemed upset. Was it from Aubrey?”
“No.” I pause, wanting to tell her because I really need to talk to someone about this, and I can’t talk to Parker and Finn.
They’re not the type of friends you talk to about serious shit.
They’d say to tell my mom to fuck off and forget about her.
They wouldn’t understand that this is about more than her not showing up.
It’s about her taking off, not caring about her son, not even showing interest in me.
I don’t know why I’m letting this get to me.
I shouldn’t even be surprised. She’s been gone for over a year.
She has her own life, and I have mine. But still, it hurts so damn bad, I guess because part of me actually thought she cared about me.
I know my dad doesn’t, and never has, and I’ve learned to accept that, but only because I had my mom.
Now I don’t, and maybe I never did. Maybe she’s like my dad and never wanted me, but felt the social pressure to have a child, someone to carry on the family name and run the business someday.
“Who was it?” Ella asks. “Who texted you?”
“My mom,” I mutter, staring down at my plate. I don’t know why I heated up food. I’m not hungry.
“What’d she say?” Ella cautiously asks.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shove my plate aside and blow out a breath.
“Everything’s just really fucked up right now and it’s pissing me off.
This is supposed to be the best time of my life — my last semester of high school.
I should be out partying every night, hanging out with my friends, not worrying about the cops showing up at my door or that my own damn mom—” I stop before I say it, getting up to take my plate to the sink.
I scrape the food into the disposal and run the water, watching it pour from the faucet.
“That’s what this is about?” Ella asks, appearing beside me. “Your mom?”
I keep my eyes on the running water, trying to imagine it washing away these feelings I’m having, but it’s not that easy. They can’t be washed away, or forgotten, or ignored.
“What happened?” Ella shuts the water off. “With your mom. Is she okay?”
I nod. “She’s fine.”
“Then what is it?”
“Just go. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked you to stay.”
“You didn’t.” She smiles. “You told me to go but I really wanted that Chinese food.”
“You didn’t even eat it.”
“Not yet.” She looks down at the plate in the sink, then back up at me. “Briggs, I know something happened and I know you don’t want to tell me but—”
“She’s not coming,” I blurt out.
“Who’s not coming?”
“My mom. She can’t make it to graduation.” I grip the edge of the sink like I’m about to rip it off. A minute ago, I was sad, but now I’m angry. I keep alternating between the two, but I prefer the anger. I can deal with anger. I can’t deal with sadness.
“Did she say why?”
I shake my head. “She just said she won’t be there.”
“When’s the last time you talked to her?”
“I don’t know, probably Christmas.”
“That was over a month ago. You guys don’t talk more than that?”
“I would, but she doesn’t have time.”
“She should make time to talk to you,” Ella says, sounding angry. “Even if she’s busy.”
“She should, but she doesn’t.”
Sometimes I think she avoids talking to me because she doesn’t want me telling her about my dad.
Last summer, I told her he hit me. I didn’t actually say it.
I hinted at it, but she knew what I meant.
She blew it off, saying he was probably just stressed from work.
And then she changed the subject and talked about something else.
After that, her calls became less frequent.
They went from once a week to once every couple weeks to once a month.
“I’m sorry,” Ella says, putting her hand on my arm. “It’s not right. Your mom should be here.”
“So should yours,” I say, glancing at her.
She shrugs. “In a way, she is. It sounds strange but I always imagine her being at holidays and school events even though she’s not. It’s easier that way, to imagine she’s here, than to think about her being gone.”
“Does your dad do the same thing?”
“No. It’s different for him. He still struggles being without her.
He’ll be a mess on graduation day. I guarantee I’ll hear him crying in his room that morning.
He thinks I don’t hear that stuff, but I do.
He tries to pretend he’s okay, and I let him because I know he doesn’t want me worrying.
He’ll put on a smile for graduation, but he’ll struggle to get through it without my mom.
I will too. I’ll imagine her there, but it won’t be the same.
I’ll look up at the stands and see all the moms, but none of them will be mine. ”
“At least you won’t be the only one without a mom there,” I say, smiling a little to lighten the mood. I don’t know how our talks keep turning so serious and so personal. I don’t intend for that to happen, but then it does.
“Maybe you could talk to her and tell her it’s important to you that she’s there.”
“I’m not doing that. I want her to come because she wants to, not because I made her.” I push back from the sink and turn to Ella. “Go eat your food. It’s getting cold.”
“I don’t really want it. I just said I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I thought...” She looks away, then shakes her head.
“What? What were you going to say?”
She looks back at me. “I thought leaving you here alone was a bad idea.”
“Why would it be a bad idea? I’m alone here all the time.”
“I guess I just thought you shouldn’t be tonight.”
I hold her gaze, trying to figure out what’s going on behind those big, brown eyes.
Is she really concerned for me, or is this all some type of scheme to get back at me for all I’ve done to her over the years?
I want to trust her intentions are good, but I don’t.
I’ve grown up being taught that people don’t do shit to be nice.
They do it to get something they want. There’s no such thing as good intentions, which is why I’m leery of Ella and everything she’s said tonight.
For all I know, she’s a damn good liar, and she played me tonight to get me to talk.
Fuck. Why did I open up to her like that? She’s the enemy, and you don’t get vulnerable with the enemy.
“Could we go sit by your pool?” she asks.
I stare at her, confused by her question because it’s dark outside and an odd thing to ask after the deep conversation we just had.
“Why do you want to sit by the pool?”
“Because I really like pools and I like how you have it all lit up back there. You could stay here if you want. I just want to sit out there, if that’s okay.”
“Um, yeah, I guess. Just go through that door.”
I watch as she goes out the door to the patio.
She’s very odd and unpredictable. She’s nothing like the girls I’m used to.
They’re all conformists, doing whatever everyone else does to fit in, which makes them very predictable.
They wouldn’t dare do anything out of the ordinary, fearing they’d be judged for it.
But Ella just does what she wants, not caring what people think.
I wonder if she was always like that or if she got that way after I destroyed her reputation at school.
When I made her an outcast, she no longer needed to care what people thought because they’d already made up their minds about her, thanks to me.
It didn’t even take much to do it. I spread some rumors about her, made people think she was strange, and soon everyone started avoiding her.
Looking back, I wish I hadn’t done that.
I could’ve just left her alone. She never would’ve been popular, but she would’ve had more friends.
Going out to the pool area, I see her lying on one of the loungers, her eyes closed.
I sit down next to her. “What are you doing?”
“Breathing in the air.” She smiles, her eyes still closed. “I love the smell of pools.” She inhales the air and slowly breathes it out.