Chapter 26
Gabby and I swap numbers and arrange to meet at Coffee and Cake tomorrow, and for the rest of the day I’m restless and distracted. I’m so absent-minded I even slice my finger open when cooking dinner.
‘Don’t worry, I like a side of blood with my chicken,’ Kamal jokes as he administers first aid to the wound, but I’m not immune to the wary way in which he watches me.
He’s worried, I can tell. I don’t know how to tell him that, after agreeing to meet Gabby and where I’ve been today, he probably has every right to be.
But I couldn’t help saying yes. I don’t know Gabby well, but I know enough to know that she would not message me unless she was rattled.
Imagining what could have made her feel that way has me coiled tighter than a snake.
Sonya’s numerous messages asking if I have updates about Alexa, and Natalya and Katherine’s constant sharing of theories don’t help to calm my nerves, either.
I switch my phone off after dinner and try to unwind, but it’s tough going.
Even a bath doesn’t calm me like it usually would.
I lie in the bubbles until the water is cold, thinking of Alexa and how when I wake up tomorrow, another tally will be added to the list of days since she went into her garden and vanished.
It’s a long time for a person to be missing.
It’s a long time for no one to have any idea of their whereabouts.
My upset is mirrored in my appearance when I wake up the next day. Kamal notices, but he doesn’t comment. Instead, he forces a smile.
‘What’s your word-count goal for the day?’ he asks.
‘One thousand, minimum,’ I reply.
Guilt over all the lies I’ve told pushes me to make Kamal’s lunch. He blinks when I hand him the Tupperware, and I swear I even see the glint of tears in his eyes.
‘It’s only a sandwich,’ I say awkwardly, but I know that to my husband, it’s so much more. Somehow, that makes me feel even worse.
When it’s time for Kamal to leave for work, I wave him off at the front door.
‘I love you,’ he shouts through his open car window.
My lips beg to say it back, but I can’t.
All I can think is how Kamal should be saying those words to someone else, not me.
Someone who can give him all the things we talked about when we were dating.
Someone whose wedding day promises haven’t been stretched to the limits by bad luck.
Back inside, I sit at my desk, watching the blinking cursor on my laptop screen. Then, when the clock hits ten forty-five, I set off to meet Gabby.
She’s already at Coffee and Cake when I arrive, sitting in the corner by the window. Her slender hands clasp a cup of coffee like it’s a lifeline.
If you’d never met Gabby before, you would fall for the glamorous image she’s trying to present. But I have met her before. That’s why I know that her hair was styled hastily and that her lips are usually lined and filled in with lipstick, not a quick slick of lip balm.
She’s even tenser than I expected from her message, a truth that unnerves me as I sit opposite her.
‘Thanks for meeting me,’ she says. ‘And for picking the most twee spot in England for our chat.’
Grinning, I make eye contact with Margie, who nods to confirm she’ll bring me my usual order. ‘Well, your message sounded urgent.’
‘Sorry about that. I messaged you before I could talk myself out of it.’
Unease ripples through me. ‘Is this something you need to talk yourself out of doing?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe,’ Gabby admits, chewing on the side of her nail. ‘Right now, I don’t know what to think, but I need to talk to someone I can trust with this. Bizarrely, you’re the only person who came to mind.’
‘Me?’ I say, blinking.
‘You’re the only one who knows what’s going on to the same level I do. I thought I was doing the right thing by speaking with you. Am I doing the right thing?’
Gabby’s gaze pins me to my seat. ‘I don’t know,’ I reply. ‘It depends what you’re going to tell me.’
Gabby runs her fingers through her hair, grabbing a clump of her auburn locks. She’s so tormented by what she’s here to say that part of me wishes she would change her mind and speak to someone else instead.
‘Gabby, what is it?’ I ask.
Sighing, Gabby turns to an off-white handbag perched on the chair beside her and pulls something out of it. A notebook, I think at first, but on closer inspection I see that the year is printed in gold letters across the front.
‘A diary?’ I ask, taking the book from her.
‘Alexa’s diary,’ Gabby replies in time for Margie to reach the table with my pot of tea. Margie’s eyebrows dart upwards, her gaze fixed on the linen-bound book in my hands.
‘Thank you,’ I say, my tone sharp enough to stop Margie’s staring. She nods and sets down my drink, all the while eyeing me curiously.
‘If you ladies need anything, I’m only over there,’ Margie says, offering us a level of kindness she has never shown me before even though I come here every week.
‘Thanks,’ Gabby replies. When Margie shuffles away, she groans. ‘I’ve just mentioned Alexa’s diary in front of the biggest gossip in the village, haven’t I?’
‘One of them, yes.’
Gabby groans again. ‘Otis is going to kill me.’
‘Why, does he not know you’ve brought the diary with you?’
‘No. He doesn’t even know I’ve got it.’
Moving my attention from the diary to Gabby, my eyebrows rise. ‘You’re lying to him?’
‘I don’t have much choice. If you knew, you’d understand.
’ Gabby takes a gulp of coffee. Her hands are shaking so much she nearly spills it as she places the mug back on the table.
‘Otis doesn’t know I’m meeting you. His mum’s driven up from London to see him, so I snuck out under the pretence I was going to check on my apartment. ’
My eyebrows lift even higher at this revelation.
‘Don’t look at me like that, Janine. I know I’m betraying his trust. I don’t need your judgement on top of that.’
‘I’m not judging you. I’m just surprised to hear you’ve not told Otis where you are. You’ve been nothing but firmly on his side in all of this.’
‘I am on his side, that’s why I’m here,’ Gabby snaps.
When I withdraw, stung at her tone, Gabby shakes her head.
‘I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be irate with you.
This is all just so hard. I mean, what a situation Alexa has left us in!
She’s always pulling stunts like this, but this time she’s really taken the biscuit. I’ve never seen Otis this way before.’
For a moment, I study Gabby. ‘You like him, don’t you?’
Gabby’s head flicks upright at my question. ‘Otis? He’s my best friend.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’
An indignant pink tinge sweeps over Gabby’s cheeks. She opens her mouth to protest, but then she deflates and offers me a small, sad nod.
‘Does he know?’ I ask.
Gabby’s horror is palpable. ‘God, no. I couldn’t cope with the rejection, or the humiliation of him asking why I hadn’t told him sooner.’
‘Maybe that’s not how he’d respond.’
‘Maybe not, but that’s the question I ask myself whenever I wonder how we ended up this way.’
As I observe Gabby’s sorrow, I think of Sonya’s assured confidence that something is going on between her and Otis. She’s wrong, I realise. Gabby’s sadness makes it more than obvious that nothing has ever happened between them, no matter how much she wishes it had.
My fingers itch to open Alexa’s diary and scour it for clues, but I can tell Gabby needs to talk. So, I let her.
‘Otis is my best friend,’ Gabby says. ‘He knows me better than anyone, and I know him just as well.’
‘That’s why you believe he didn’t hurt Alexa.’
‘That’s why I know he didn’t hurt her. Otis has a reputation for being hard, but he’s the most generous man I know.
You only have to look at the lives of those around him to see that.
When Otis started making serious money, he bought his mum and his siblings a property each.
His brother Nathaniel only has a writing career because Otis funded his lifestyle while he wrote his first book.
He even supported me while I was at university, did you know that? ’
I shake my head.
‘I got the grades to go when I was younger, but I couldn’t afford to study and care for my dad. He was sick. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a lawyer, but Otis never did. He made it happen for me and paid for a carer for Dad so I could do it guilt free.’
‘Wow,’ I say, because I can’t think of how else to honour such selflessness.
‘We’re both from the same shithole South London estate, but when Otis got out, he didn’t abandon the people he left behind. He put his hand out and helped us leave, too. He’s a good man, no matter what people like Sonya West say.’
I try not to react to the mention of Sonya’s name or betray the fact that we met.
‘I can see why you’re loyal to him,’ I say, thumbing the corner of Alexa’s diary. ‘And why you love him.’
Gabby closes her eyes at the word love. ‘I was going to tell him how I felt, once upon a time. I’d just got back from a trip to Greece.
I was dating someone at the time. On paper, we were a perfect match, but Greece broke me.
Everywhere I looked, I was surrounded by people who had found their soulmate.
I looked at my boyfriend and realised he wasn’t the person I wanted to be the other half of. It was Otis. It always had been.’
Gabby’s forehead creases at the pain of hearing these words out loud. I suspect this is one of the few times she has ever said them openly.
‘Why didn’t you tell him?’ I ask.
‘I intended to. I had it all planned out. The day I landed, we met at this pizzeria we were obsessed with. Then, right as I was building up the courage to tell Otis how I felt, he told me he’d met someone.’
‘Alexa?’
‘Alexa,’ Gabby confirms.
‘Oh, Gabby, I’m so sorry.’
She shrugs in an ‘It is what it is’ way, but one look at her face says how much the past hurts her present.
‘As soon as I met Alexa, I knew I didn’t stand a chance,’ Gabby says. ‘I mean, you’ve seen photos of her, haven’t you? She’s stunning.’
‘Looks aren’t everything.’
‘I know, but there’s something about Alexa I could never compete with. She’s beautiful, inside and out. Well, she is most of the time.’
‘What does that mean?’
Gabby sighs and rubs her temples. ‘I don’t know. The last few days have confused me, then yesterday when I opened her diary and… look, it’s probably nothing. I don’t even know why I’m here, to be honest. I just needed to… I don’t know. Sense check what I found.’
‘What is it? What have you found?’
Gabby drops her hands and looks at me. There’s a haunted sadness to her that I’ve not seen before, not even when she was recounting her own heartbreak.
‘It’s in Alexa’s diary,’ she says. ‘Janine, I think she might have been cheating on Otis.’