Chapter 37
I would be mortified about having to walk back into a café I’d just stormed out of if I weren’t so numb from the shock of Simon’s revelation.
Ignoring the curious glances of everyone in Café Marco, Simon leads me and Gabby back to our table and tells Gabby to take a drink of water when she collapses into her seat.
‘Do you want me to get you something to eat? You’re really pale,’ he says, peering into her face.
Gabby shakes her head and gulps her water. The glass clatters against her teeth, her hands unsteady. Simon watches her closely.
‘Who are you?’ he asks.
‘This is Gabby,’ I reply when she doesn’t. ‘Otis’s best friend.’
A look of recognition sweeps over Simon’s face. ‘I see,’ he says. ‘And you are?’
‘Janine,’ I say, grimacing when Simon reacts to my real name. ‘I’m… a friend of Alexa’s,’ I add.
‘And you’re here because…?’
‘We found Alexa’s diary. We know the two of you have been meeting. We thought you were having an affair.’
‘Are you?’ Gabby asks, her voice croaky and raw.
‘No,’ Simon replies, shaking his head. ‘No, we’re not.’
Gabby hangs her head behind a curtain of her hair. She looks so devastated that for a split second, I can’t help thinking she wanted Alexa to be having an affair.
‘Do you know where Alexa is?’ I ask, redirecting my focus to Simon.
‘No.’ Devastation tints Simon’s voice. ‘That’s why I came here. I hoped… I thought I might walk in and find her here.’
I nod, understanding that wish exactly. ‘You meet Alexa once a week?’
‘We do. As friends, though, I swear,’ Simon rushes to correct. ‘Although I know how it looks. Alexa and I both do, that’s why we meet in secret. Two people who met at a child loss support group, leaning on each other? It’s a rumour waiting to happen.’
My lips twitch, knowing that was exactly what Gabby and I had believed.
‘How did the meetings start?’ I ask.
With a sigh, Simon looks off into the distance.
‘It’s hard to explain, really. Alexa started attending Families United meetings earlier in the year.
From the get-go, she and I clicked. At her first meeting, we were both at the snack table, eating our body weight in biscuits.
We cracked a few jokes, but we got chatting properly at her second meeting.
I think I said more about how I felt to Alexa in those few minutes than I had to anyone in months. ’
‘Even Annalise?’
Simon flushes but nods. ‘You know how it is. Sometimes talking to your partner about loss is hard. I don’t want to upset Annalise by bringing it up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to talk about what’s happened.
Trust me when I say I love my wife. You’ve met Annalise, you know how amazing she is. I would never risk what we have, ever.’
‘I believe you,’ I say, a response that makes Simon exhale. Gabby, meanwhile, says nothing.
‘Alexa and I meet once a week for a coffee,’ Simon continues. ‘It helps to have a space separate from meetings where we can talk freely. We meet for a couple of hours. Other than Families United, I think it’s pretty much the only time Alexa sees anyone.’
My heart aches as the loneliness of Alexa Clarke’s life is reinforced yet again. ‘That’s so sad.’
‘It is. I worry about her. It’s not good to be alone when you’re grieving.’
‘You think Alexa’s alone?’
Simon’s forehead scrunches. ‘Janine, Alexa Clarke is the loneliest person I’ve ever met.’
Across the table, Gabby flinches. I wipe a drop of water from the side of my glass to distract myself from the hollowness I feel at Simon’s statement.
‘You said Alexa was paying for your IVF?’ I ask.
‘Not all of it, but most of it,’ Simon admits. ‘After the pandemic, I lost my job. Annalise and I managed to keep the house, but our savings took a big hit. I’ve got another job now and we’re slowly getting back on track, but my new place doesn’t pay anywhere near as much as the last.’
‘That’s why you need the money from Alexa?’
Simon nods. ‘Annalise found a clinic with high success rates. It’s a fancy private one, the kind that charges you for breathing in the waiting room.
Even with sinking every penny we had into it, we couldn’t make the numbers work.
I told Annalise I’d ask my parents, but she wouldn’t let me.
She said, “We’re not a charity case.” ’ Simon sighs and rubs his temples.
‘Annalise never used to be sensitive about money, but when you’re struggling with fertility, people are exhaustingly sympathetic.
I know they’re only trying to be nice, but it’s painful, and we’ve had years of it.
Annalise is sick of people looking at her like she needs saving. ’
‘I know that feeling,’ I reply.
Simon smiles sadly. ‘What a club to be in, huh? Losing a child… well, it changes how people see you. It changes you as a person, too. Over the years, parts of Annalise have hardened. She refuses to be seen as weak or dependent, and that includes accepting financial help. I respect her position, I really do, but I know how much a baby means to her. I’d rob a bank if I had to, if it meant we could try. ’
‘Annalise probably wouldn’t like that.’
Simon laughs. ‘Probably not. Luckily, thanks to Alexa, I didn’t have to turn to crime to fund the treatment.
A few months ago, I admitted that Annalise and I were struggling with the IVF fees.
She stepped in to help. Annalise would have refused it, but I couldn’t.
It was too generous an offer to miss out on.
I never asked for the money, mind you. And I told Alexa I’d pay her back every penny. ’
The walls of my throat thicken as I imagine Alexa pushing her own grief to the side to help Simon and Annalise. Deep inside, the ache that begs for her to be okay grows.
‘Does Annalise know you’re getting money for the treatment from Alexa?’ I ask.
Simon hesitates, then shakes his head. ‘I’ve told Annalise I’ve taken on extra work,’ he admits. ‘Sometimes I say it’s overtime, but mostly I say I’m helping my cousin at his construction company. I tell her he gives me cash so we can avoid paying tax and put all the money into IVF.’
My right eyebrow raises. ‘Alexa pays you in cash?’
‘Always. That way Annalise won’t find a trail from her bank to mine.’
As Alexa’s cash withdrawals are cast in a new light, all I can think of is how this news changes everything.
‘Is Annalise suspicious about the money?’ Gabby asks.
‘I don’t think so,’ Simon says, but the words weigh heavily on him. ‘I don’t want to lie, but this is the only way I can afford to make Annalise’s dreams of being a mum come true.’
‘Why don’t you just take the money?’ Gabby asks hotly. ‘Why do you have to meet Alexa, too? Surely you see how suspicious it looks.’
Simon’s squirm is back. ‘I do, but in many ways Alexa’s the best friend I’ve ever had.
I don’t find talking easy, and some things are too personal to share with an audience at Families United.
There are things I can’t say to Annalise, either.
I mean, how am I meant to tell her that I’m terrified of what another round of IVF will do to us?
Last time things didn’t work, it nearly killed me.
I don’t know if I can go through that again. ’
As Simon hangs his head, I reach out and squeeze his hand. ‘I’m glad you have Alexa to talk to.’
‘Yeah, but now she’s missing, and I don’t know what to do to help her,’ Simon replies tearfully. ‘I came to Café Marco today on the off-chance she’d be here. Silly, right?’
‘That’s not silly at all,’ I soothe, but Simon is struggling to contain his emotions and barely hears me.
‘You really have no idea where she is?’ Gabby asks.
Simon shakes his head. ‘Alexa messaged me the day she went missing to say I’ll get more biscuits next week.
That was our code. It meant she would have another instalment of cash for me.
Innocuous enough to anyone who saw it, but we’d know what it meant.
I was so busy, I didn’t see the message until Saturday afternoon.
Apparently by that point, she was gone.’ Simon presses his head into his hands.
‘I keep going over it, thinking if I’d have replied sooner, would it have made a difference?
Would she have told me if something was wrong? ’
All too familiar prickles of dread pierce my skin. ‘Do you think something was wrong?’
‘That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? There’s no way to answer that. Alexa is grieving like me, like you, so of course there’s something wrong, but maybe there was more? Maybe Alexa was unhappy in a deeper way?’
‘Do you mean unhappy in her marriage or something?’ I ask, trying to keep my tone neutral despite the heavy question I’m asking.
‘I don’t know what I mean. All I know is, a few weeks ago Alexa said she no longer recognises the man she married, and now she’s missing.’
Beside me, Gabby stiffens, but I remain composed. ‘Alexa said that?’ I ask.
Simon nods, firing a cautious glance Gabby’s way. ‘That’s why when I first heard the news, I thought she’d left him, but now almost a week has passed and Alexa’s not let anyone know where she is or if she’s okay. That’s not like her. She wouldn’t worry people like this.’
Even though it makes my skin prickle with goosebumps, I push myself to ask the question despite fearing the answer. ‘What do you think has happened?’
Simon’s features twist. ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to think it’s anything bad, but Alexa being missing for so long only points to one thing.’
When Simon meets my gaze, he doesn’t have to say what that one thing is. The fear that Alexa might be dead is written all over his face.
‘Otis would never,’ Gabby says vehemently, but I don’t share her confidence.
‘What else did Alexa say about Otis?’ I ask.
‘She said – she said her husband has a big personality,’ Simon says, avoiding looking at Gabby while he speaks.
‘While she’s shrunk because of what’s happened, he’s grown.
He’s taken on more work, made more money and been away from home for longer.
But from what Alexa’s said, all that success comes at a price. ’
‘That’s a big accusation to make,’ Gabby says hotly.
‘I’m not accusing anyone of anything,’ Simon corrects. ‘But Alexa said Families United was the only place she laughed anymore. That’s sad, now that I think about it. And worrying, don’t you think?’
‘A little,’ I reply, though the tightening in my chest says it’s more worrying than that.
‘Every marriage has problems,’ Gabby says, pink splodges colouring her cheeks. ‘Otis works hard; he’s a high achiever. Since when was that a crime?’
‘It’s not,’ I begin, but my response irritates Gabby further.
‘So why are you both acting as if Otis has done something wrong?’
‘We’re not, but this is the closest we’ve been in days to hearing Alexa’s perspective on things,’ I try to reason, but Gabby’s defensiveness won’t hear it.
‘Otis is worried sick, Janine. You’ve seen him. How could someone who is that worried have been such a bad husband?’
‘Because sometimes, we only see things when it’s too late,’ Simon says, silencing the table in one fell swoop. We all take a moment to breathe, the introspection only broken by Gabby pushing back her chair.
‘I only came here to see if Alexa was having an affair. I’ve got all the answers I need,’ she says, grabbing her handbag once more. ‘Are you coming, Janine?’
I know Gabby wants me to leave with her, but one glance at Simon and I know there’s more he wants to say.
‘I’ll stay and finish my drink,’ I reply, even though my hot chocolate is stone cold now. Gabby knows this as well as I do. The corners of her eyes pinch, but I don’t shy away from her scrutiny.
‘Fine,’ Gabby huffs, throwing her bag over her shoulder. ‘I guess I’ll call you later.’
I watch her leave, her auburn hair billowing behind her. Then, when she is gone, I turn back to Simon, waiting to hear what he could not share before.