Chapter 35 Tidal Wave #2
Guilt over the fact I reveled in their pain, in their screams, in torturing falsely accused traitors.
At what point did I truly lose myself to the bloodshed, to the torture, to not feeling?
The thought of hurting others for my own sick, twisted pleasure now made me sick to my stomach.
Then, there was the heartbreak I worked so hard to forget.
Although the Serpent King stole my emotions, never allowing me to feel the true excruciating depths of my shattered heart, I was not so lucky today.
In this moment, it was as if someone took an axe and smashed it straight into my heart, cracking it wide open.
I felt everything.
The way my heart broke into a million pieces upon hearing Alaric’s final parting words on the night of our bargain.
The countless nights I dreamed of him, only to wake up gripping the cold, empty sheets where he should have been.
My knees buckled underneath the weight of my feelings, under the agony of my past.
The weight of my loneliness throughout all these years as queen pressed down on my chest, intermingling with the years I spent locked away in the tower—with no one but the characters in my books to call my friends.
My hands started to quake as panic surged through my veins.
These feelings were the reason I bargained away my soul in the first place.
I couldn’t bear this. I wasn’t strong enough.
My breaths became shallow as I searched for a way out of these feelings, but there was no one coming to save me from all I’ve done, from all I’ve become.
I just wanted it to stop.
I wanted it to end.
Before I could think about how foolish I was acting, my grip strengthened on the hilt of my dagger and I moved with lighting speed.
With a flick of my wrist, I spun the tip of my dagger to press against my own throat.
I wouldn’t take another life, nor deal with these feelings.
I’d do what I was best at to end all of this.
I’d run away. One. Last. Time.
I’d take one more life in order to end the nightmare I had wrought upon the world, upon myself.
Hot tears streamed down my face as I forced my hands to stop shaking so I could get a better grip for what I planned to do next, but it was no use. The tremors wracking through my body were past the point of control.
Before I could spill my own blood and end it all, a golden flash blinded me.
Then, he was there.
“Put that down.” Alaric’s tone was threatening, but I caught the concern hidden within it.
My hand quaked, but I kept the blade trained against my skin, hard enough I felt a bead of warm blood trickle down the column of my throat.
“I—I can’t do this . . .” My voice broke, the blade bobbing against my throat harder as I swallowed the sobs that were begging to be released.
“You are capable of so much more than you think, Seera.” Alaric held his hands up, almost like he was trying to approach a wild animal.
“No, you’re mistaken. I can’t do this. Don’t try to stop me from finally committing a selfless act. It is better for all of the realms if I go through with this. Let me conduct an execution I should have completed long ago.”
Anger flashed in his eyes, along with an emotion I couldn’t easily detect.
But I didn’t care enough to sniff the air; I didn’t care to do anything anymore but fade into the darkness that constantly plagued my mind.
“I refuse to live in a world where you don’t exist, Seera.
” Before I could stop him, the king whipped out a dagger from behind his back—one he must keep hidden in his waistband.
“If you really want to end your life, then you might as well end mine too.” He shoved his dagger at me, his lips pressed into a thin line, almost like he was holding himself back from exploding with rage.
“I won’t end your life, Alaric. You have people who care about you. I have nothing but my horrible feelings to go home to if we fail on this mission. I have no one.” I felt more blood drip down my throat, surely leaving a crimson streak along my chest as my blade dug deeper into my skin.
“I know you won’t believe me, but I won’t allow that to happen. If you let me back in, I won’t do what I did to you before. I swear it, Seera. I won’t let you go through life alone anymore.”
Alaric mirrored my position, flipping his blade on himself and pointing the sharp tip against his throat. “Please, Seera, let me help you. Let me be the anchor I should have been for you for the past seventy-five years.”
He was saying everything I once wanted to hear, but it was too late. What was even worse was I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t—not after everything he put me through.
“Why do you keep playing games with me?” I croaked around the sobs finally escaping from the depths I buried them in, like a prisoner breaking free after spending decades locked away.
“I’m not playing any games, Seera.” His voice held a twinge of sorrow upon uttering his next words.
“You aren’t the only one who believes they are unworthy of love.
” His blade pressed deeper into his throat, finally nicking his flawless skin and pulling a beautiful, crimson bead of blood from the Serpent King.
I watched the blood drip down his pale chest, replaying his last words—ones I’d only dared to think. A kernel of curiosity rooted inside me as I watched a variety of emotions gleam in his eyes.
So softly, I found the will to want to sniff the air again, but I was confused when cherries and rose petals tickled the tip of my nose as it wafted into my lungs. Usually, I’d hate such a soft and sweet smell, but I found myself wanting to bask in this emotion.
Warmth flooded the void in my chest, and a sense of belonging raced through me.
I didn’t know what Alaric was feeling in this moment as he stared at me, but whatever it was made my grip slacken on my blade.
I wanted to surrender to this feeling—to the warmth now floating through me.
Metal clanking against marble rang through the air the moment I let my dagger slip from my fingers, shortly followed by the sound of Alaric dropping his blade not even a second after I did.
We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, the weight of all that just transpired hanging heavy between us.
Slowly, I took a hesitant step toward him.
He mirrored my actions once again, taking a small step of his own to close the remaining distance separating us.
We were so close I could smell his scent, and I choked on a sob at the familiarity of the amber notes mixed with a splash of cinnamon and a hint of smoke.
This was the scent I craved when I went to bed alone every night for nearly eight decades, every night when this man’s emerald eyes would haunt my dreams.
As soft as the warm wind floating about, Alaric lifted his hand to my cheek and wiped away a tear that slipped loose.
He trailed his fingers up my cheek, delicately tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
He didn’t drop his hand like I expected, instead he curled his fingers against my scalp and crushed me against his solid chest.
He was so cold, but I didn’t care.
I preferred the cold anyways, so I nuzzled into him, letting his strong arms snake around my waist to hold me as I completely fell apart.
Aftershocks of guilt racked through me for what felt like hours, but Alaric held me through every sob, every broken wail, every moment I wanted to give up.
As I cried against his chest and tried to break free from my endless guilt, a horrifying thought washed over me as I realized what just occurred.
If I could feel this deeply, then that meant we were almost out of time.
The Ice Goddess was close to breaking the bargain.