Chapter 12
Vincent da Silva
I knocked, cleared my throat, and walked into Dash’s bedroom. My muscles tense, I braced for whatever wrath he had waiting for me. A long, sleepless night had brought a lot of clarity and a thick wave of regret laced with shame.
As usual, he was at the desk, both elbows on the surface, his fists on his cheeks as he scanned the monitors. Hearing me, he sat up and twisted his waist, his eyelids rounding slightly. “What are you doing here?”
Scoffing, I strode forward and pulled the chair back, ignoring his startled shout. “It’s nine. Every morning at nine, I take over while you rest. Get up.”
“Oh,” he replied with a sense of disappointment.
He stood and, for a moment, our chests were inches apart, our sights locked on one another.
Unable to stop, my focus lowered to his mouth and lust tickled my stomach.
I hadn’t lied to him last night when I said he’d been the best I’d ever had.
He may not have been a very willing participant, but he had made me cum harder than I ever had.
It made me practically writhe with longing at how much better he’d be if he hadn’t been coerced.
How goddamn amazing would Dash be as a willing lover?
He gulped, pulling my attention back to his eyes.
Breathing a little heavier, his complexion was darkening.
My head tilting, excitement surged through my system, making everything tingle.
My heart racing, the urge to cup the back of his head and pull him close for a kiss was almost too overwhelming to ignore.
A shallow, jagged inhale had his chest puffing out and it touched mine.
His brows lifting, his irises started to glaze, his pupils dilating.
On a shaky breath, he whispered my name and something inside exploded.
I grew dizzy, my stomach knotted, and my fingers curled to fists.
Though I knew I was fooling myself, I couldn’t help the voice in my ear whispering that Dash actually looked like he wanted that kiss.
Instead of giving in to my intrusive thoughts, I bowed my chin, stepped around him, and plopped to the leather chair, scooting it to the desk. Dash exhaled loudly, his shoulders slumping forward. A hand burying in his hair, he dropped a muted curse.
I snatched the pack of cigarettes, tapped one out, and lit it, filling my lungs. “Looks like Letta is cooking some breakfast. You should go down there and get something to eat before going to sleep.”
“Shit.”
For a long moment, he stood there, his back partially to me, one hand on his side.
When he finally muttered another curse and stomped for the door, my voice blurted out his name before I thought to do so.
My pulse skipped, stunned at my own action.
My vision shifting to see his reflection pausing, I mentally scrambled, trying to find something to say.
“What, Vinny?” he croaked.
I frowned and deflated, spinning the chair to face him. “I, uh…I-I wanted to, um. Ahem. I wanted to apologize.”
He craned his neck to peer at me, his expression completely defeated. “For what?”
“Everything. I honestly don’t know what got into me.
I dunno,” I grumbled, throwing my free hand out so it slapped to my thigh.
“All this shit with Jackyl and my sister…” I shook my head, focusing on the burn on the carpet when I dropped my cigarette the other day.
The spot was freshly cleaned, the scent of Pine-Sol still lingering in the air, erasing last night’s vomit.
My eyelids closing, I huffed and turned away from those images trying to form by the window.
“My mind is all fucked up right now and…and I dunno, I guess I was desperate for a distraction.”
Hesitantly shifting his weight to fully face me, he crossed his arms. “You’re gay, aren’t you?”
Tipping my head back to stare down my nose, I pulled a long breath that flared my nostrils.
“Just us, Vin,” he stated matter of factly. “Nothing outside this room.”
“Yeah,” I confessed, reveling the rush of adrenaline to my brain at the sense of relief that brought. For the very first time in my life, I spoke the words out loud and it felt fucking amazing. “Yeah, I am.”
“You ain’t never had pussy, have you?”
“No.”
His profile to me, his jaw clamped, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Heaving a sigh, he rubbed at the beard growing and then lowered his chin to pinch the bridge of his nose. “So, last night, when you said…what you said,” he grumbled, waving his hand.
“That you were the best?”
He bristled, a muscle in his jaw flexing, his eyes rounded.
The corner of my mouth lifting, I nodded. “Yeah, you were. I ain’t never lied to you—”
“Really?” he scoffed, shrugging his arms out. “You can sit there and say that after what you just admitted to?”
“Hey, I didn’t lie to you, Dash,” I snapped. Tossing the cigarette to the almost full ashtray, I bounded to my feet and closed the distance. “Have you ever asked me about my sexuality? No, you haven’t, so I ain’t never lied to you about it. It just never came up. No one has ever asked.”
“You really think that makes it okay?”
“Look, things have been said and done here,” I started, my fingers splayed out while my palm pumped in the air. “That can’t be taken back or ever forgotten. But I meant what I said when I said I can’t lose you, too. When this bullshit is over and Jackyl’s dead…”
Emotions seized my chest, talons clawing at my bones. I coughed and looked away, scratching at my own stubble.
“Hey, Vin.” He stepped a little closer, curling his fingers around the side of my neck with a firm but gentle squeeze. Gazing up at him, my pulse was racing, shallowing my breaths. “You ain’t gonna lose me, man. Everything’s gonna be okay.”
Those urges surfacing again, I acted on impulse, fisted the front of his shirt, and tugged him closer, claiming his mouth passionately. He lurched, but, to my shock, kissed me back. His fingers dug into my nape, his head tilting as his tongue rolled over mine.
All the blood rushed to my head and I swayed, another explosion splitting me at the seams. Everything burst into flames, my nerves scorching, my skin prickling as the floor fell out from beneath me.
Groaning, I stumbled forward, slamming him into the door.
He grunted but only grew zealous, as did I.
Our teeth clanking, my body was pressing into his, both our dicks getting hard.
My fist uncurling, my palm flattened on his chest and inched upward to cup his cheek as I slowed the kiss to something more sensual.
Tapering off to a few tiny pecks, I finally broke away without putting distance between us.
Our heavy breaths mingling between us, our noses still lined up, we stared into one another’s eyes with matching expressions of bewilderment.
What the hell was happening? What was I doing? How could I betray Billy like this?
“Jesus,” he panted, still gripping my neck…not letting me pull away.
I licked my lips and gulped, ever so slightly grinding against his semi erection. His eyelids rounded and he choked on an inhale, adding more pressure to his fingertips. Encouraged, I held his stare and started gradually moving closer for another kiss when someone knocked on the door.
“Jesus!” he shouted, startled.
Neither of us moved, however. Still focusing on his eyes, I called out, “What?”
“Just wanted to know if either of you wanted breakfast,” Violetta answered.
Dash was searching my face, his expression a mixture of arousal and confusion.
My palm slowly crept away from his cheek, back down to his chest where it paused, the thumping of his pulse tickling my palm.
An image of Billy surfacing, shame engulfed me and I broke the stare.
Abruptly stepping away, I cursed and rubbed brusquely at my face.
“Yeah, uh, yeah. D-Dash…Ahem. Dash’ll be down in a minute. ”
“You want anything?”
I twisted my waist to peer at him, leisurely raking my sight along his figure as a powerful yearning planted roots in my soul. My brows arching by the time my sight locked on his once more, I shook my head, my voice nearly cracking. “No.”
“You sure?”
I looked at his mouth, and he pulled a sharp inhale, his chest falling still as he held that breath.
There was nothing in that kitchen that would satiate the hunger burning in my stomach right now.
Only Dash could quench it, but he wasn’t willing.
I was about to lose Jackyl, I couldn’t lose him, as well.
Besides, after everything we’d been through, how the hell could I betray Billy like this?
I can’t do it, Vinny, I won’t. You tell me we’re over, and I’ll slit my own fucking throat. I won’t live without you.
Grimacing at his voice echoing in my ears, I turned away and retrieved my cigarette. “I’m sure,” I barked angrier than intended.
“I’ll put a plate in the microwave in case you change your mind. Hurry up, Dash, before it gets cold.”
“Mm hm.”
Nearly thirty seconds ticked by in heavy silence.
“Vinny,” he muttered.
“Get out.”
A slight pause. “Vin—”
“Out!” I shouted, refusing to look at him. “I’m sorry, Dash. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Vin.”
A knot in my throat, I tried to clear it, to no avail. “Look, I ain’t gonna lie…I’m…” I exhaled and bowed my chin, pressing my thumb to the spot between my eyes, the fingers with the cigarette stretched to the side. “I dunno what happened, but since we’ve been here, I have been attracted to you.”
His gasp was audible and it made me cringe.
Craning my neck to look in his direction without looking at him, I was quick to continue with, “But I won’t take this no further.
I crossed lines I shouldn’t of, and you got my word, as a Serpent, as a brother,” I emphasized through gritted teeth.
“I won’t cross them again. I don’t want any wedges between us, Dash.
I’ll deal with this attraction without disrespecting you again. ”
He didn’t respond, so I finally made eye contact. His lips were taut, chest heaving, nostrils flared.
“Please, Dario. Tell me we’re okay.”
His tone harsh, he scoffed and shook his head. “Yeah, Vincent. We’re just fine.”
“Really?”
Rolling his eyes, he yanked open the door. “Yup. Brotherhood for life,” he grumbled, walked out, and slammed the door.
I sat down and slouched low, taking a drag.
Scanning the screens, I couldn’t get Billy out of my thoughts.
If he found out what happened in this house, would he follow through?
Were those idle threats? Surely, he wasn’t serious, after all, he had a wife.
He had the image he wanted. Why would losing me cause him to take such dramatic actions?
Banging my head to the back of the chair, I closed my eyelids, the confusion growing thicker.
I had no idea what I felt, what I wanted, what to even think right now.
Since I’d only ever had one romantic relationship my whole life, I couldn’t even figure out my feelings at the moment.
If I really loved him, how could I be so goddamn attracted to Dash?
That made me spiral into another rabbit hole of did I even love Billy anymore?
Of course, at one time, I had been madly in love with him, but something changed when he married Rebecca.
I could sit here all day and dwell over betraying him, but didn’t he do it first?
Not just with his wife but the other women he’d dated over the years in an attempt to hide us.
Naturally, whatever I was feeling for Dash wasn’t real, either, because he was not gay.
He was very aggressively against homosexuality.
The only reason he reciprocated anything was because it was forced.
That’s not what I wanted, I didn’t want someone because they had no choice.
I never wanted someone to feel helpless like I did, like I had since I was fifteen.
I wanted someone who wanted me, as much as I wanted them.
Someone willing to take a stand against everyone and proudly claim me as theirs.
Billy would never do that, and neither would Dash. If I did manage to start something with him, it would be repeating history. I’d be yet another secret. I couldn’t do that.
I had never felt so lost. I had no idea what to do.
I could either continue with how things were for the rest of my life and eagerly lap up the crumbs of affection he threw my way a few times a year, or I could leave him, leading him to possibly commit suicide and staining my hands with his blood forever.
All I knew was I was bound to Billy forever, one way or another.