Chapter Five
On Tuesday I often locumed, but I hadn’t looked for work, and nobody had phoned from the agency. Too much time on my hands was proving to be dangerous. With the house to myself, I cleared out anything I hadn’t worn or used in six months and bagged it for the charity shop. I was ruthless.
I cleaned the windows, hoovered the entire house, cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floor.
I also googled ‘how to get divorced’ with shaky hands and a guilty sense of nausea.
It wasn’t something I’d ever considered before. Other than witnessing my parents’ divorce, I knew nothing about the process. Apparently, there were several options.
After the weekend I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was my only option, if I was ever to be happy in myself again.
It sounded heartless; I know. But my eyes had been prised open to the fact that I felt completely and utterly nothing for Rob.
Nothing bad, nothing good, just completely and utterly indifferent.
We’d been coexisting. That crack of light at the end of the tunnel was getting closer. I imagined what it would be like to get my life back, to go wherever I wanted, to do whatever I wanted. I never realised how weighed down I felt until the prospect of not being weighed down occurred to me.
By lunchtime I had all the household chores done. The idea of phoning John consumed me. I convinced myself it could do no harm, as he was in a different country. How much trouble could I really get into at this stage? Besides, the damage was already done.
I lay on my bed and stared out the window, willing him to answer.
‘Hello?’ His tone was warm and weighted with surprise. A grin stretched across my cheeks, right up to my ears.
‘It’s Lucy.’ Talk about stating the obvious, I was fairly sure in this day and age even Ireland had Caller ID.
‘Give me a second.’ I heard him excusing himself, then the rustle of him moving away from whoever he was with.
‘Sorry, I can talk now. I’m just having lunch with a friend.’
‘Sorry for interrupting you,’ I said. ‘I was thinking about you. I wanted to say hi.’
I had no right to wonder who the friend was, or feel envious of them, but I couldn’t help it.
An unreasonable jealousy attacked my stomach. This was exactly why I never wanted to fall in love – or into infatuation. The craziness was creeping up on me already. I couldn’t fully control the emotions he stirred in me, but I was in too deep already to care.
‘I wanted to call you last night,’ he said. ‘But I didn’t want to put you in an awkward situation. How did your first day go in the new job?’ Lovely of him to remember in spite of all the gin and tonics. He placated me without even realising.
‘It was fine. Thanks for asking. Are you working today?’
‘Yeah. Well, right now I’m standing here in the pissing rain talking you. My shirt’s soaked through. I must be mad in the head.’ I could hear the smile in his voice, as I tried to envision him in my mind.
‘Sorry! Go back to your lunch. I only called to say hi.’
He cleared his throat. ‘I’ll text you later, if that’s okay?’
‘Perfect.’ I looked forward to it.
I tried not to spend the afternoon and early evening checking my phone, but it was practically impossible.
I was infatuated with John Kelly and I couldn’t understand it.
Never had a man had such an effect on me before. I’d always been so cool; I was practically cold. Yet this man set fire searing through my veins.
At seven-thirty, my phone vibrated with a text message.
John: Good to hear from you earlier. If this text doesn’t deliver, we’ll have to try smoke signals next.
I beamed from ear to ear, but waited half an hour before replying.
Lucy: Don’t light any fires on my behalf. I’m in enough trouble as it is.
John: Nowhere near enough trouble yet.
Lucy: I can see you are going to be a bad influence on me.
He had influenced me profoundly already, whether he realised it yet or not was another thing.
John: I’d like to be.
Before I could reply, he sent another message. He cut straight to the point, like only a man could.
John: What do you want out of this?
What did I want? Everything I never believed in.
Lucy: I’m in no position to want anything, I need to sort my life out. You’ve turned my world upside down and the repercussions are going to be chaotic. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to need a friend when the shit hits the fan.
There it was, heart straight out on the sleeve. No point beating around the bush. Let’s face it, it wasn’t like I was going to bump into him in my local Sainsbury’s anytime soon.
John: I’ll settle for friends. For now.