Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jackie dabbed the almost black gunge onto my scalp with what looked like a paintbrush. I watched her work in the mirror in front of me, grateful for the barrier cream she’d placed around my hairline.
‘So, you’re really going to do it?’ She stood back checking, examining her handiwork.
‘Yep,’ I inhaled a lungful of air and slowly exhaled.
Excitement bubbled in my belly for a new chapter, a new start. Sure, I was nervous, but the thought of being with John everyday far outweighed any concerns I could conjure up even on my darkest nights.
I’d been there nearly every week since September.
Having Jane and Trish there made it so much easier, and Mama Bear and Papa Bear too.
They weren’t surprised when John broke the news I was moving and were delighted to see him settling down.
His mother told me their home was my home, and I was welcome any time.
His father joked about the benefits of upping the weekly mileage, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t factored that in too.
The new year promised a new job. All in all, it seemed like a fairly sound position to be in.
‘You’ll have to find a new hairdresser.’ Disappointment resounded in Jackie’s tone.
‘Believe it or not I already have the next one lined up.’ My mind wondered to Natalie, the girl whose husband’s stag had turned out to the best thing that had ever happened to me.
‘Have you been cheating on me already and you’ve not even left the country yet?’
‘Only a sneaky blow dry once I promise,’ I said.
‘Anytime you’re home visiting, be sure to call in here for an appointment,’ she said.
‘Of course. I’ll be in touch, anyway. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.’ Jackie had recently split with her boyfriend of ten years; she too had met somebody else very quickly, and we had been comparing notes along the way.
‘I’m dying to meet this Ginger Wonder of yours,’ she said.
‘Well, when you’ve washed this muck out of my hair, and made me look a bit more presentable, I’ll FaceTime him, and you can see what all the fuss is about.’ I took a sip of my black coffee, looking forward to seeing John’s familiar features light up my iPhone.
Jackie washed the colour out of my hair and blow dried my unruly mane into a straight sleek style.
After I paid Jackie and she handed me my coat, I tried to ring John. He didn’t answer. It was odd, but I assumed he was tied up with the farm.
I bid farewell to Jackie, promising I’d be in touch soon.
Outside, it was spitting slightly. The damp air threatened to ruin my freshly blow-dried locks.
I half ran, half walked to where my car was parked fifty metres away.
Shirley High Street wasn’t the nicest area of Southampton to be roaming alone on a pitch dark, winter night.
The doors automatically locked as I sped off in the BMW and drove the twenty minutes back to Ruth’s house in Winchester.
This was to be my home for less than a month more now.
I’d be glad to start laying some roots again, instead of feeling as though I was renting an eight-foot by eight-foot space.
John said he wanted me to pick colours for the house, put a feminine stamp on, it as he put it.
I’d already told him I’d do no such thing until he took that God-awful stag head down once and for all. Yuck.
I checked my phone again. There was still nothing from John.
I squinted at the screen, checking I had reception.
Four little bars mocked me. Letting myself in quietly through the front door, I snuck upstairs and straight into my room.
I wanted to climb into my pyjamas, and into bed as quickly as possible.
It had been a long day and the quicker I fell asleep, the quicker the weekend would begin and I’d be with my man.
My phoned beeped as I got changed, but it was my mum checking up on me.
Disappointed rippled through my insides.
It was nearly nine o’clock. He never left it this late to call.
I hoped he was ok. That niggling feeling hovered in my gut, hinting not all was well.
I hated wondering and waiting, needing to hear his reassuring voice.
In the bathroom, I brushed my teeth, removed my make-up, cleansed, toned and moisturised.
I was never normally this thorough, but it passed the time while I silently willed the phone to ring.
When phone calls were all we had, we tried to keep them regular.
That heavy panicky feeling in my chest swelled, pressing down on my sternum.
Anxiety invaded my stomach. It was almost eleven o’clock and I’d heard nothing since lunchtime. Something was definitely wrong.
Checking my phone for the hundredth time, I contemplated texting Jane or Trisha, before deciding against it. I didn’t want them to think I was one of those crazy, jealous, insecure women, although sadly that’s what I felt like. Being in love was mentally and physically exhausting.
I couldn’t believe what I’d found in John; I was terrified of losing him.
That little devil on my shoulder continued to whisper that I wasn’t good enough.
Nothing ever lasts; why should this be any different?
It took an enormous amount of self-control to ignore him.
I had a of habit of replaying every mistake I’d ever made since I was a child, and beating myself up over every bad decision I ever made in my life.
It would be a relief when the sun rose in the morning, and I could see things clearly and rationally again in the light of day.
Around midnight the phone vibrated.
John: So sorry girl, it turned into one of those afternoons. I’m only getting to the phone now. I hope this message doesn’t wake you and that you are dreaming of me. I’ll ring you in the morning. Love you xxx
Relief washed over me. He was okay, and nothing had changed between us. That fear of him issuing me the p45 hadn’t fully left me, despite his constant reassurances.
The other thing that I secretly worried about was that he mightn’t leave me as such, but he could be taken from me in a different way. The fear was a product of my father dying young. It had shown me the fragility of life, and how tomorrow was promised to none of us.
I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable.
It took me a long time to drift off. When sleep eventually came, it was broken and fuelled with disturbing dreams. With one leg either side of the Irish Sea, the disconcertment I felt seeped into my subconscious.
Change was coming. I was ready to stop worrying about it, and simply get on with it, now the decision had been made.