Chapter 38 #2
I closed the iPad and wandered around aimlessly for a while before deciding to run a bath.
I filled it with scented oils, bubbles and Epsom salts.
I piled my unruly mane of curls into a crab clip on top of my head and sank under the hot water, trying to wash off my troubles.
Even taking a bath reminded me of him, sliding in behind me as he had so often done.
Closing my eyes, I washed my face and put on a facemask I found lying around in an attempt to make me feel better.
The weight was falling off me, I could see it as I looked down into the bubbles.
For once, I wished I could have been fatter and happier.
Knowing John was here was alarming. The draw to him pulled so strongly still, magnetic was our connection.
The thought of his arms around me, pulling me into his familiar embrace tormented me in a way I wished I could have forgotten.
A stray tear slipped out again despite my best efforts, just when I thought I was improving.
If only it had never happened. If only none of us had ever laid eyes on that daft cow, Jennifer.
If only he had been here that night instead of at his house.
If only I had been there too. It was pointless.
I couldn’t keep going over it. I got out and decided I needed some fresh air again.
Walking was the only time I could think straight.
I pulled on a pair of my mother’s skinny jeans, her timberland boots and a fleece I’d left here years ago. It had seen better days, but so had I.
As I descended the stairs, she looked up from her phone, surprised. ‘Where are you going?’ She stood to come with me.
The evening was drawing in, but sleep was the last thing on my mind. The house felt claustrophobic. I appreciated everything she had done for me, even just being here with me, but I needed to get out. To be alone.
‘I’m going to the beach for a walk.’ I took my car keys off the mantlepiece.
‘It’s dark. You can’t go out there.’ She tutted maternally.
‘The promenade will be lit. I need the fresh air.’
‘Take your phone with you at least.’ She knew by my stance; she wouldn’t change my mind. ‘Be careful.’ She reluctantly let me pass her.
It was almost nine at night. There was not another soul to be seen at the seafront, not even a lone dog walker.
It was kind of eerie, but I craved the solitude.
The icy wind nipped my fingertips. I blew on them and shoved them deep into my pockets, walking the length of the pier with no purpose other than escapism.
The night was clear, the stars apparent to the naked eye, my breath visible in front of my face, the moon three quarters full.
I found myself sighing heavily again, picturing his face.
Wishing this was all a bad dream. I held my phone in my hand inside my fleece pocket, fingering it, almost caving at the thought of ringing him.
I imagined hearing the soothing tone of his voice, the reassurance it used to provide.
Oh, what I’d have done to go back in time.
The intensity of my longing frightened me.
As a knee jerk reaction, I flung the phone as high and as hard as I could physically manage off the pier and into the Solent.
I didn’t hear the splash, but it gave me a small rush of satisfaction as I pictured it sinking into the waves, deep onto the floor of the ocean, never to be seen again.
All contact with John and everyone else I had met in Ireland through him gone with it. There was no way I could stay in touch with my new friends now, it would be too hard. I needed a clean break. There was no half measure.
I sat on the memorial bench halfway up the pier and watched as the passenger ferry disembarked and three lonely stragglers got off the boat into awaiting vehicles. A car engine ignite. I briefly wondered who they were going home to. A loving wife? A family? Or a microwave meal for one. Who knew?
I was again reminded that everyone was just living their own life, trying to get by in whichever way they could. I would get by; it would just take time. Lots of time.
Car lights swept the ground in front of me.
The purr of the engine disappeared into the distance, leaving me in silence again, bar the gentle shushing of the current below the wooden panel of the pier.
The ferry pulled back out into the sea to return to the mainland for one final trip before the working day was complete.
I stood again and continued my walk towards the end of the pier. The wooden beams beneath my feet were slippery from the splashes of the stronger tide. Speed bumps were positioned every few metres apart on the pier, but you’d have to have a death wish to be speeding on here anyhow.
I thought I was completely alone out here, but in the distance, I glimpsed a figure walking towards me.
The silhouette of a man hunched low from the wind.
He was tall and of pale complexion, his skin practically luminous under the moonlight.
I stopped dead in my tracks, caught like a rabbit in the headlights.
My sudden halt drew attention to myself, he glanced up from his own world of thought and stopped too, only a couple of metres in front of me.
‘Lucy? Is that you?’ His voice pierced the quiet like a knife through my heart, and my eyes squinted to adjust. I couldn’t be certain they weren’t playing tricks on me.
‘John? What are you doing out here?’ I knew he was close by; I just didn’t realise how close. I knew this man inside out, at least I thought I did. I shouldn’t have been surprised at his determination to speak to me when he had come this far.
‘I needed to see you. Nobody knew where you were. The general consensus was the only place left you could be was here. Your mother wouldn’t take my phone calls either.’ He looked sheepish for a moment before taking a step towards me.
‘Don’t come any closer. Do not touch me.
’ Tears threatened to break again, pooling in my glassy eyes.
I didn’t want to go over what happened. I couldn’t bear to hear the details, to have them confirmed.
What was done was done. I’d far rather have left it the way it was; I didn’t want an apology or an explanation.
I just wanted to draw a line under it and move on with my life.
‘Please, girl,’ he said. ‘It’s not what you think.’
‘It’s only what I deserve. I’m not exactly Mother Theresa myself,’ I consigned.
‘I knew you would be doing this to yourself, beating yourself up over something that didn’t happen, because you feel like you brought it on yourself.
That you somehow deserved this. It’s crap, Lucy.
And if you’d just listen to me for a few minutes you’d know that,’ he said, braving three quick steps towards me.
‘So, you’re telling me Jennifer didn’t spend the night with you, Thursday two weeks ago? The one night of our entire relationship that coincidently I couldn’t get hold of you?’
He had the grace to look at the floor.
‘It wasn’t like that. I have zero interest in her. She landed on the doorstep drunk. What was I meant to do? Put her back into her car?’ he said, running a hand over his stubble.
‘I couldn’t care less what you did with her, unless you let her into your house, our home.
How could you do that to me? After everything we’ve been through.
’ My voice broke, cracked and pained. I shoved my hands into my pockets again, for fear I might reach out to him.
The physical draw was still overwhelming, despite what had happened.
‘She wanted to talk. She’s got issues. I wanted to let her get them off her chest once and for all.
Stupidly, I thought at least that way she might leave us alone if she knew she had said everything she wanted to, and it still made zero difference.
I wish to God I’d shut the door in her face, I really do.
The only reason I didn’t was because she said she’d jump into the river if I didn’t hear her out.
She was in such a state and she’s pretty fucking unpredictable as it is, I didn’t want that on my conscience.
With hindsight, I would have taken my chances. I’m so sorry.’
I had no words as I gazed up at his gorgeous face in the moonlight. He looked like a broken man, tired, dishevelled, even paler than usual.
He looked how I felt.
But it didn’t change a thing.
He shouldn’t have let her in. Literally and figuratively.
‘Nothing happened. She threw herself at me, told me there was something wrong with me if I couldn’t just take it for what it was.’ His hands wandered to the back of his head as he shook it with regret.
‘Stop it, John. I can’t bear it.’ I winced at the details and raised my hands up to halt him.
‘I’m telling you Lucy, nothing happened. She refused to go home, she was crying and shouting. She was furious with me that she couldn’t have her way. Then, when she calmed down, she asked me if could she crash on the couch. I couldn’t throw her out into the night in that state.’
‘Well, that’s exactly what you should have done, John.
Because right now you’re as well to have done the worst, because it makes no difference now.
You put her first that night. You lied to me.
You didn’t tell me about this, that’s lying even if it’s by omission.
I need complete honesty. You of all people know that.
’ Frustration bubbled inside, churning in my empty stomach.
I wanted to believe him nothing happened, but there would always be that element of doubt in my mind. I couldn’t fully trust any man. Especially after what my father had done to my mother.
‘I know. Believe me I know, Lucy, but look at me.’ He gestured to his blatant state of despair, which mirrored my own sorry self.
‘You know how I feel about you. Can’t we get past this?
I swear to God it will never happen again.
She used me; this was her exact plan all along.
She knew her car would be seen outside my house all night.
I find it hard to believe the lengths she went to, to upset you, to come between us.
Please, Lucy, I’m begging you don’t let her get between us. Please.’
‘It was you that let her get between us. Not me. I wouldn’t have let her in the front door.’ I was annoyed now, annoyed at her cunning, annoyed at his stupidity, if that’s what it was. Anyone could see she was trouble. You don’t let that in the door.
I felt myself wavering. I wanted to believe him, but how could we get past this?
It wasn’t just that he had let her in. He hadn’t told me.
It would have been awful. I’m sure I would have completely blown my lid, but he could have avoided all of this heartache if he’d have been brave enough to talk to me.
It seemed we both had trust issues. Mine were obvious, I wore them on my sleeve. His were more subtle. John didn’t trust me not to completely lose my shit over an awkward conversation. I could see his point for a split second, undoubtably I would have jumped to the worst conclusion.
I motioned to the memorial bench, needing to rest my trembling legs.
He took my hand. ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart.
I know how it looked. I promised you I’d never ever hurt you but, unintentionally, I did.
I will never, ever let you down. I have never looked at another woman since I met you.
You are the only one I want. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it took me thirty years to find you. I’m not going to lose you now.’
He pulled me into his arms and my resolve wilted completely. He felt so good, so strong, so familiar. He felt like home.
His mouth found mine, delivering a crushing kiss that swept from my mouth to my heart and back again. The relief was acute, both of us palpably grateful to be at one again.
‘I know you’re not ready, but I’m telling you now, girl, one day I am going to marry you.
Mark my words. I’m not letting you go. I love you.
You are mine, and I am yours.’ Determination inched into his chiselled features.
‘I’m going to build us a ten-foot wall around the house, with a fourteen-foot motorised gate that only you and I have fobs to. ’
‘I’m sorry, I immediately jumped to the worse conclusion. I should have come to you instead of fleeing the country. I should have trusted what we had. You know it’s not you, I just I find it hard to believe that I’m enough, that you wouldn’t want someone else more than me. I’m going to work on it.’
As I stared at John, realising I should have gone to him. I should have asked him, instead of running. I had been so sure it was karma for my past. I needed to work on that, so it didn’t destroy the future.
‘We are some pair.’ He bowed his head down to mine and kissed me deeply again. The familiar longing spread like wildfire through my core, heating me from the inside out.
I was reminded of a line he said to me that night at The Shelbourne. ‘There are women you spend the night with and women you spend the rest of your life with.’ He’d already told me which one I was. He’d said it enough; it was about time I believed it.
I needed to learn how to trust him instead of assuming the worst at the first hint of a problem. I could have saved us both a lot of heartache the last few days.
‘Are you feeling brave?’ I asked. He looked alarmed for a split second before the penny dropped.
‘Your mother?’ he guessed.
‘Oh yeah,’ I confirmed, leading him back to the seafront to where I’d parked up only a half an hour earlier, a different woman.