16. Sophie
16
Sophie
Sophie didn’t want to answer the phone when she saw it was Meena calling. She let it ring out. But then Meena rang again.
‘I finally opened your gift,’ Meena said when Sophie answered.
‘What?’
‘The box. You know, the one you got me.’
So much had happened, she barely remembered.
‘Anyway,’ Meena continued. ‘I just wanted to thank you. I had the best orgasm in years last night, thanks to that pink vibrator.’
‘You know I tried to call you a load of times? And you only call me now?’
‘I’m sorry, but I had to get my shit together. There’s so much to tell you. Owen and I are planning to separate.’ She said this in such a casual manner Sophie wasn’t sure she heard right.
‘What?’
‘Yeah, shocking, I know,’ Meena said sarcastically. ‘Though, perhaps not that shocking. I finally came to my senses.’
‘I’ve left Todd.’
There was silence on the other end.
‘Did you hear me?’
‘Are you kidding?’
‘Why would I joke about that?’
‘Seriously, how could you ... how could that happen when I’m ... You know as BFFs we can’t both be in this situation at the same time, right?’ From her tone Sophie could tell Meena was joking but she was in no mood to laugh. She remained silent.
‘Can we meet please?’ Meena finally suggested.
‘I’m in a hotel in the city.’
‘You’re what? Why? Wait, let me get there first.’
It didn’t take her long. Sophie answered the hotel room door still dressed in the towelling robe she was planning to take from the hotel when she checked out.
‘Whoa, nice view,’ Meena said as she entered the room, taking in the sight of the harbour water sparkling in the distance.
‘They only had a corner suite left,’ Sophie said.
Truth be told Sophie had hardly looked at the view. She had shut the curtains from the moment she arrived, opening them only a few minutes before Meena came. She didn’t care about the view or anything, really.
‘So you hadn’t planned on checking into a hotel?’
‘Well, based on the fact that I’m naked under this robe because I only have the clothes I wore when I checked in, then yes, this was most definitely not planned,’ Sophie said.
Meena surveyed the room and the collection of empty bottles scattered around the place.
‘You really went to town last night, huh?’ she said.
Sophie didn’t answer. She was trying with all her might to stop the tears from falling. So she sat on the sofa facing the window, and hugged her knees for comfort.
Meena went and crouched beside her.
‘Want to tell me what’s going on?’
Sophie shook her head.
Meena reached over and gently touched Sophie’s hair, pulling it away from her face.
‘Where’s Todd?’
‘With the kids,’ Sophie mustered before the tears broke through and gushed down her face.
‘Aw, mate,’ Meena said, rising up and grabbing Sophie into a hug.
Half an hour later the women were sitting on the sofa with cups of tea in their laps, looking out at the harbour. Neither of them had spoken for the last ten minutes or so, lost in their own thoughts.
‘You think you’d get used to a view like this after a while?’ Meena asked.
‘Probably,’ Sophie said.
‘I can’t imagine.’
‘You get used to all sorts of things and then take them for granted,’ Sophie said, her voice cracking as she did. Todd surfaced in her mind again.
Meena reached over and pulled out a tissue from the box, handing it to Sophie. She watched her friend swipe at her face before letting out a big sigh and taking a sip of tea.
‘I’ve got to tell you, there’s a big difference in how we’re both reacting to the end of our marriages,’ Meena said as she scanned Sophie’s face. ‘I’m filled with relief and you’re full of grief. That tells me something.’
‘What?’
‘That you’re probably not ready to give up on your relationship just yet.’
‘You know there are different ways to react to the end of a relationship. There isn’t one right way,’ Sophie said.
‘Yeah, of course, you’re right. It was just that the night Owen and I decided to break up, we had the best conversation we’ve had in years. We actually spoke and it was so clear to us that we were both miserable. That we’d been miserable for so long. Are you and Todd miserable?’
Sophie pictured Todd, strutting about in a towel around his hips. How when she looked at him the feeling wasn’t like the lust they felt in the early years of their relationship; it was something deeper, better. When she looked at him, she couldn’t believe that the man walking around acting the fool was hers. Her man.
‘I don’t know,’ Sophie said. ‘I didn’t think we were.’
‘Well, it’s my turn now to say that maybe before you announce the end of your marriage, you should go and see a counsellor. Don’t leave it till it’s too late, like Owen and I did. Though, to be honest, I don’t think seeing a counsellor would’ve made a difference. You know the day I fell pregnant with Sasha he’d tried to break up with me? And on Valentine’s Day at that! But I wouldn’t let him. I forced him to change his mind.’
She didn’t want to tell Meena that she had heard the story many times before. Instead she said, ‘You didn’t force him to do anything. He’s a grown man who made his own choices.’
‘So it wasn’t my fault? All of it?’ Meena was looking at Sophie with such earnestness.
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘Wait,’ Meena said taking a sip of her tea. ‘How come every time we start speaking about you, we end up talking about me?’
Sophie smiled and shrugged. ‘I don’t like talking about myself – haven’t you figured that out yet?’
‘I just wanted to hear you say it.’ Meena smiled in return. ‘But also, I’m not going to push you. If you don’t want to talk, then we won’t talk. I’ll just sit here beside you if that’s what you need.’
‘That’s what I need,’ Sophie said, trying not to cry all over again.
The morning passed quietly. Sophie appreciated how it was nice to find a friend in whose company you could be silent, rather than seeing the silence as a sign that the friendship was suffering, as she once did. They watched the water changing colours to a darker blue as the sun reached its highest point.
‘Do you need to check out of the room?’ Meena asked at one point.
Sophie shook her head. ‘I’m here till Sunday. Todd’s taken the kids to his parents. But he promised me he’ll be back by then.’
Meena nodded. ‘Shall we order lunch?’
When Meena mentioned food Sophie’s stomach rumbled. It was loud enough to be heard by Meena too. ‘I think that’s a resounding yes.’
They went to town when ordering room service. She had Todd’s credit card and she didn’t think twice about how much she was going to spend. Champagne? Yes, please. Lobster ravioli? Definitely. How about a few plates of entrees and sides too?
Meena, meanwhile, had found the other robe hanging in the cupboard of the room and put it on. ‘That’s better,’ she said, twirling around. She texted Owen to say she was spending the night with Sophie and would he be okay to look after Sasha.
Of course I am! he texted back. Might even take her to the movies.
She showed Sophie his texts and said, ‘He sounds happier, don’t you think?’
‘He does,’ Sophie replied.
On the TV they found a channel that played eighties and nineties music videos.
‘Turn it up!’ Sophie shouted at one point, her mouth full of ravioli. ‘I think they played this song at prom.’
‘Prooommm,’ Meena said, putting on an American accent. She laughed and turned up the music. ‘Anyway, you’re too young to remember the nineties!’
‘Tell that to ten-year-old Sophie who had a Backstreet Boys poster in her bedroom.’
Meena turned up the sound and the two of them sang along to the lyrics they still knew by heart. As the afternoon set in, they both collapsed on the king-sized bed and, without intending to, fell asleep.
When Sophie woke she noticed the light outside was fading. Beside her Meena snored softly. She looked at her friend with a smile. Meena’s dark hair was covering part of her face, so all Sophie could see was a slight smile at the edge of her lips. She remembered not long ago turning up at her friend’s house with a statistic about friendships. She had been vulnerable without intending to. It was a reaction to a pang she felt in her gut, an instinct telling her that if she let this woman fall away from her life it would be a loss she would come to regret.
Yes, there were times when Meena annoyed her. It occurred to Sophie that she got annoyed by everyone. And perhaps she had treated some of her friends unkindly, as if they were disposable, when, really, good friends were rare and you had to hold on to them like the precious gems they were.
She thought of how harshly she had judged her friends, how on one hand she was disgusted at their clinginess but on another she expected them to drop everything for her. Carly came to her mind and she felt a deep sense of guilt for abandoning her in Europe. Now that she looked back on it, that girl had given up her job and left everything to go travelling with Sophie and she had repaid her by dumping her ass in Madrid. And when it came to family, they had stepped up – her uncle with the internship that started her career. Even her parents, despite their stiffness, had tried in their own way. Her mother had cleaned her vibrator, for godsake!
In her sleep Meena let out a sigh. Sophie smiled. How nice it was, she thought, to feel you had the backing of a friend. After Carly she didn’t think there would be any others. The last time Sophie had looked up Carly, out of boredom, she discovered she had married a wealthy hedge fund manager and was living a cushy life in upstate New York. That could’ve been her own life, she thought. If she hadn’t gone travelling and met Todd and turned her whole life upside down, literally moving down under. But then, she wasn’t too far from that version of herself. She was still the wealthy wife of a well-connected man, living in a leafy suburb where her children attended private school. And if she knew herself at all, she knew that she would soon get bored of this life. That the itchiness would start again, as it seemed to already have done. Maybe Todd knew this too. Maybe he really had been thinking of her when he broached the idea of moving, no matter how clumsily he’d done it.
She lay back in bed in the now-dark room, not bothering to turn on the bedside lamp. At any other point in her life, she would have woken up Meena and told her the longer she slept the harder it would be for her to sleep that night, but for the two of them time seemed to have lost meaning. They were at a point, a jagged, sharp point in their lives. They either had to go over it or let it pierce them in half.
She picked up her phone and began to type a text to Todd. All she could think to say was ‘Sorry’. She typed out the letters and then deleted them. Apologising didn’t come easy to her. She knew that. She’d prided herself on being ahead of the curve when it came to not-apologising as a woman. Now everyone was creating blogs, social media posts and videos about how women shouldn’t apologise and Sophie could smirk with the satisfaction that she never did. Especially at work – she would use ‘Thank you for your patience’ if she’d kept someone waiting or ‘Thanks for picking that up’ if she’d made a mistake. In her personal life she had been the same. Boyfriends came and went, as did friends. No one deserved all of her trust and all of her heart and no one deserved a sorry.
Todd, of course, changed all that.
Beside her Meena stirred. ‘Shit, what time is it?’ she asked groggily. ‘How long have I been sleeping?’
Sophie didn’t answer. She said, ‘Hey, I’m sorry if I haven’t been the best best friend. Even though we joke about being BFFs, I think you deserve better than me.’
As soon as she said that, tears started to prick at her eyes and before long were pouring down her face.
‘Oh, mate,’ Meena said, shuffling her body towards Sophie and putting an arm across her stomach. As Sophie was sitting up, Meena could only hug half of Sophie’s body.
‘You’ve been the best BFF a girl could ever ask for,’ she said, her voice muffled as she spoke into Sophie’s robe.
Sophie could tell Meena was still in that weird state between waking and sleeping, but she knew she meant it.
‘Not really. But I’m trying. I’m going to do better,’ Sophie said, and Meena clung to her tighter.
Perhaps life didn’t have to be an exercise in independence, where you showed the world that you didn’t need anyone, that you did it all alone, as the lone wolf that you were. Allowing people in and letting them cling to you didn’t need to be bad. It could maybe even be good?
She reached down and squeezed Meena back.
‘I think I’m going to go against recent feminist wisdom and start saying sorry again,’ Sophie declared.
Meena unfurled from the hug and looked up at Sophie, giving her a withering look. ‘Let’s not get carried away now,’ she said.
‘No, I mean it. I’m going to message my friend Carly, who I dumped in Europe, and apologise for ditching her. And I’m going to try to be a better daughter. My parents weren’t great but I think they were doing the best they could with what they were taught, which was that you had to keep children at arm’s length and get them to become independent as quickly as possible. But now we know that isn’t the main role of a parent.’
Meena had moved back on to her pillow and was lying on her side listening to Sophie.
‘The main role of a parent,’ Sophie continued, ‘is to let your kids know that no matter what they do or where they go, they can always rely on your love to be the constant in their lives.’
‘That’s beautiful,’ Meena said. She sighed and turned over onto her back. ‘I guess even though they abandoned me when I was so little, my parents were doing what they thought was for the best. And since then, they have tried to make up for it. I mean, I don’t think we would have been able to have the life we have now if they hadn’t done what they did. Also ...’ And here Meena raised herself up onto her elbows and turned to look at Sophie. ‘I had a heart to heart with Asma. She’s actually not that bad a sister. In fact, I think she might be pretty great. I might even try and stop giving her a hard time.’
‘Wow, Meena Jones letting go of that lifelong sibling rivalry! Don’t go changing too much on me now. I liked the old Meena.’
‘Don’t worry, I don’t think I can ever forget how Asma is the golden child in my parents’ eyes and I’m the loser daughter.’
‘There she is!’ Sophie laughed.
Meena smiled and shook her head, lowering her head back down onto the pillow. Sophie sighed and stared at the ceiling.
‘As I get older, I realise our parents are flawed. You don’t see that as a child because you see them as these all-powerful beings, but they are human and they make mistakes. Just like we are doing.’
‘Oh god, don’t remind me. Sasha already looks at me like I’m the cringiest person alive. I can’t imagine what she’s going to say about me when she’s an adult.’
‘Well, as long as we are open with our kids about our failings and we admit to them when we’ve made mistakes, maybe that’s how we break those intergenerational cycles.’
‘Fuck, what Instagram posts have you been reading?’ Meena said lightly. ‘Anyway, this is all getting a bit heavy.’ She got up off the bed and went over to pour herself a glass of water.
‘Do you think if I move, you and I will still be able to be BFFs?’ Sophie asked.
Meena quickly turned around. ‘Really? You’re going to do it?’
‘I figure I may as well give it a try. Especially as it means so much to Todd.’
‘So your marriage isn’t over, then?’ Meena said.
Sophie shrugged. ‘I can’t just run when things get hard. And maybe it’s time to try something new. It’s not like I’m loving work all that much.’
‘Maybe Todd can arrange another role for you,’ Meena said, suppressing a smile.
‘Definitely not!’ Sophie said shaking her head. ‘But I’ll admit, I’ve had it so much easier than most.’
‘Okay, good, you’re admitting your privilege now.’
‘Oh man, I think this is something I’ve got to work on in the long term. I don’t think I’ve fully understood how I’m steeped in privilege and how that impacts how I see the world and what comes out of my mouth sometimes.’
‘To be honest, it’s something I don’t think I’ve fully understood myself – how much privilege I have,’ Meena said before taking a big drink of water. ‘I mean, when I compare myself to Rani it makes it so clear how much easier I’ve had it than her. And the life I have now, with Sasha in private school and those dance and gymnastics lessons which are crazy expensive by the way! I’m steeped in the privilege of being a north shore mum!’
‘We both are, I guess,’ Sophie said. ‘Though I won’t be a north shore mum for much longer.’
‘It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be,’ Meena said, smiling. ‘And I’m glad you’ve decided to work it out with Todd. You’re both so perfectly content around each other it makes the rest of us look bad. It’s why I’ve avoided doing couple things with you both for so many years. I hated how Owen and I stuck out as the shit couple.’
Sophie felt herself blush. ‘Oh god, please tell me we’re not one of those atrocious lovey-dovey couples everyone wants to vom at when they see them out in public.’
‘You’re not that bad, but y’know, sometimes you’d turn and look at each other and smile like there was no one else present. Yuck. That’s when I needed the bucket.’ Meena grinned.
Sophie got up off the bed and went over to give Meena a hug. ‘You know you’ll have to come visit me all the time. And of course, bring Sasha too. Plus they have wineries nearby ...’
‘No, you can’t talk like this right now or I’m going to start crying.’
‘Talking of wine,’ Sophie said. ‘Shall we order some?’
‘Do you even need to ask?’
They ordered some food along with the wine and put the tunes back on. They danced and drank and ate and Sophie allowed herself to soak it all in.
‘By the way, I hung out with Rani because you weren’t answering my calls,’ Sophie said at one point.
‘How was it?’
‘She’s nice. I think it’ll be good for you both to hang out too, especially after I—’
‘After you leave?’ Meena pretended to bawl loudly though Sophie could tell that she was trying to suppress some real emotions as she did.
‘Honestly, I was thinking so badly of her husband because of everything she said about him, but when I met the guy he seemed pretty nice. It made me think that there are always two sides to every story.’
‘Like with me and Owen? I feel like I’ve painted him as some kind of monster, and maybe he did act like a monster towards me. But maybe he was reacting to the situation he found himself in? We both thought we were stuck and there was no escape.’ Meena was thoughtful. ‘He’s not a monster.’ She said the last sentence quietly.
‘Did you end up talking about Sasha?’
‘I told him I couldn’t spend a day without her and he said I wouldn’t have to. I’m choosing to believe him.’ The way Meena’s lips curled downwards Sophie could tell she was worried. ‘And anyway, he’s doing so well in his career, and what’s waiting for him in London? Nothing.’ She looked up at Sophie, composing herself.
‘You’re being pretty stoic about all of it,’ Sophie said.
Meena shrugged. ‘I think I’m all cried out. None of this is new. I’ve thought about the state of my relationship for years. You would know.’
Sophie smiled. ‘You know, even when I’m not physically nearby I’ll still be there for you. I’m always at the end of the phone.’
Meena nodded as she munched on some garlic bread. ‘I was thinking it would be good for me to go back to work. I was great at PR but all this time I thought there’s no way I could work for someone again. Well, I figured what if I opened my own PR firm?’
‘If anyone can do it, it’s you, Meena.’
‘And you know, if anyone’s going to give me a loan for my business it’ll be the guy from the bank who checks out my boobs,’ she said, laughing.
Later, as the clock edged towards midnight, they found themselves back in bed with an old movie playing on TV.
‘Hey,’ Sophie suddenly said, sitting up in bed. ‘We didn’t talk about the vibrator.’
Meena laughed. ‘I’ve been missing out,’ she said.
‘Haha, no shit. I told you!’
‘It was just what I needed. Owen is sleeping on the couch in the study and then when I was in the bedroom, I remembered your gift. I swear I laughed when I saw it. All I can say is, it sent me straight to sleep afterwards.’
The women cackled loudly at that.
‘Hey, what about your fantasy about doing it with a tradie? You sure you don’t want to explore that further?’ Meena said with a smile in her eyes. ‘I was thinking of sending a hi-vis vest over to Todd.’
‘You know what, I think we might try it. Maybe add some dress-up action to our repertoire.’
‘What will you dress up as? A slutty nurse?’
‘I reckon I have more of the strict teacher vibe. What do you think?’
‘Oh god, you’re right. You definitely have a don’t-mess-with-me attitude when you want.’
‘I’ll take that as a compliment,’ Sophie said.
‘You should.’
One of the many things she loved about her friendship with Meena, Sophie thought, was how they could be silly and serious at the same time. There weren’t many people you could tell your deepest secrets to as well as have the heartiest laughs with. It was something she would never take for granted.
Somewhere around 2 a.m., Meena was asleep and Sophie found herself on her phone. She decided to go on LinkedIn. She had a silent profile, one she only really used to keep an eye on what Todd was saying. This time she scrolled through the photos she had of herself on her phone, uploaded one to her profile, and began to add her education and work history. When she was finished, she was a little proud of everything she had achieved, despite the dip in her career when she’d focused on motherhood. That focus was never going to change, but maybe she could add to it, she wondered. Maybe she could do more than work part-time in a job her husband had basically created for her? So many people worked remotely now. Just because she was going to live in the countryside didn’t mean she couldn’t still work.
Those thoughts could wait. Instead she created her first LinkedIn post.
My husband Todd recently posted about what he thought women wanted. As Todd said, ‘What women want is for men to not only be decent human beings, but on a practical level, to help out. They want you to be an equal partner with raising children and contributing equally to the domestic load.’ Lucky then that I have found a partner who not only understands this but has taken it to the next level. His dedication to being more than just a good person, but also an active participant in our family life, has been a game-changer. He has shown what it truly means to be an equal partner. This commitment might seem like an obvious aspect of any relationship, but in our lives, it has made a world of difference. Every time he steps up, whether in big ways or small, it deepens my appreciation for him and strengthens the love and respect in our marriage. I hope more men and women understand that a married woman’s success is often due to finding a partner who backs you all the way. Who supports you not just emotionally but practically too. To my incredible husband, thank you for being there for me, even when I haven’t fully appreciated all that you do. #Partnership #Equality #RelationshipGoals #FamilyLife #PersonalGrowth
She knew the words were a bit over the top, but it was 2 a.m. and she was tired and tipsy and she missed her husband more than she wanted to admit. She tagged Todd in the post, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
The next day morning light streamed through the windows. They had forgotten to close the curtains. Meena groaned and pulled the covers over her head. Sophie squinted in the light. After her eyes adjusted, she began to appreciate the beauty of the sight before her. Splashes of orange and red spread out across the sky, while the water took on hues of purple and pink. She was so taken by the sight it made her laugh out loud.
Meena, meanwhile, had fallen back to sleep. Sophie crept out from her side of the bed and went to the bathroom. Afterwards she turned on the kettle. She wanted to take in every moment of the sight before her.
Around 7 a.m., with Meena still asleep, Sophie went and checked her phone. A number of women had commented underneath her post. Some reiterated the importance of having a partner who shared the load. A number of them stated how they had left their partners because they felt unsupported. ‘Why have an extra mouth to feed?’ one asked. ‘Get rid of dead wood,’ another wrote.
‘I felt better as a single mum of three than when I was with my husband because he never backed me,’ said a woman, who, when Sophie clicked on her profile, was the vice-president of a multinational firm.
But the post Sophie cared most about was Todd’s. He had reposted her post but added his own thoughts to it.
My wife has always been so generous with her kindness and support of my career. Sophie is my rock. Without her I wouldn’t have done half of what I wanted to. She has quietly backed me and our family while I focused on my career, which included many missed bed and bath times with the kids and far too many weeks where I’m sure my wife felt like a single mum. I carry much guilt about this. But to read her words fills me with joy. All I can say is, I’m looking forward to making changes in my life so I can be the man behind the woman who is going to, without overstating it, change the world. Well, at the very least, she has changed mine. Thank you, Sophie. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Underneath his post their friend Ryan had already left a comment: ‘Get a room, you two.’
They checked out of the hotel room mid-morning, the two of them sharing an Uber, which dropped Meena off before taking Sophie back home.
The house was as silent as Sophie expected it to be, causing goosebumps to prickle her skin. She hated the quiet. She wanted the warmth of her family to fill the void. She needed her children’s laughter and her husband’s voice, loud and strong, to make her feel whole again.
She was in the midst of texting Todd when she heard a car pull up into the driveway. She rushed out the front door to see her children piling out of Todd’s car.
‘Dad made us leave too early,’ Tilly was complaining.
‘We didn’t even get to stop at McDonald’s like he promised,’ Bodhi said.
‘I’m hungry,’ Tilly said.
‘I need to pee,’ Bodhi added.
Sophie barely heard them. She grabbed the two of them in a big hug, despite Bodhi wriggling in her arms, wanting to be set free so he could head to the bathroom.
When she finally released them she stood up and saw Todd. A big smile was spread across his face.
‘Who knew the way to a man’s heart was through a LinkedIn post?’ Sophie quipped.
Todd didn’t respond. He took two steps towards her and pulled her into a sweeping kiss.
‘Grooossss!’ Tilly squealed as she headed into the house.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, looking at Todd.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ Todd said. ‘I shouldn’t have—’
Sophie put a finger to his lips. ‘Not right now,’ she said, before giving him another kiss.