Fifty-Six
‘People are always banging on about it in meetings,’ Finn said. ‘Rock bottom. The fact that you’ve got to hit rock bottom before you can ever properly recover. I used to think it was rubbish, you know?’
She was sitting on the sofa, her legs tucked underneath her, cradling a mug of Cup a Soup which Miller had made for her.
He sat on the chair opposite, saying nothing.
It was clear that she wanted to speak, that she was finally ready to let something out, and he was certainly not going to jeopardise that by interrupting.
‘I suppose it’s different for everyone,’ she said.
‘Maybe rock bottom for the drinkers is the day they find themselves necking meths or aftershave. For others it might just be losing your job or waking up in a skip or something, maybe getting divorced or getting arrested … but for hardcore junkies it’s usually something a bit worse than that.
’ She took a slurp of soup. ‘Shooting up water or cheap wine, because you’re addicted to the process …
you know, to the needle … or maybe it’s selling yourself to make the money you need.
’ She glanced up and saw the concern on Miller’s face that he was trying and failing to hide.
‘Don’t worry. I skipped that one and went straight to the next floor down. ’
Miller waited, his stomach churning. He had no idea where this was going.
‘I lost someone. I told you that, right?’
‘I remember,’ Miller said. ‘Evie. You were talking about her with some of the people you ran into when we were on the streets the other day.’
Finn nodded, the tears starting to well up again.
‘Is that what this is about?’
It took her half a minute. ‘It’s how it started.’
‘Losing your friend is your rock bottom?’
Finn shook her head. ‘I’ve lost people before.’
Miller watched her eyes widen and fix on the wall above his head. He knew she was thinking about her father. Alex’s first husband, long gone before Miller had come along.
‘Evie OD’d … I mean, course she did. It was horrible, but it wasn’t like a massive shock or anything. The lad who found her, Josh … he was the one I was hoping would be at the meeting last night, because I wanted to ask him about it, you know?’
‘Was he there?’
A slow nod, as though she had found him and very much wished that she hadn’t.
‘After the meeting I asked him about Evie and he told me how horrible it was. Finding her, cold and curled up in a doorway on Central Drive. I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me, though, because he was even more upset about it than me, and I was a lot closer to her than he was. ’
She took a deep breath. She lifted the mug towards her mouth, but then put it down and began talking fast, as if that was the only way she could get it out; as if she couldn’t afford to think about it too much.
‘He told me that he went through her pockets. Soon as he realised she was dead, that was his first thought. Not “shall I call the police”, not how stupid and tragic it was … but “has she got any gear still on her, because it must be seriously good stuff for her to OD on it. Or maybe a bit of cash I can use to get some gear for myself.”’ She shook her head.
‘He’s not a terrible person, or anything like that.
Josh is OK, as it goes. But that’s what he did. ’
‘That can’t have been easy to hear,’ Miller said.
‘No, it wasn’t. Because whether or not that was Josh telling me that he’d hit rock bottom, I knew that I had.
Yeah?’ Her voice was barely above a whisper and she was slowly clawing fingers through her hair.
‘Because I knew – I absolutely knew – that I’d have done the same thing.
I’d have robbed my friend’s body. My good luck, I suppose, that I was never in the shitty position that Josh was.
Finding her like that. Just knowing I would have done that, though … that was enough.’
Her head had dropped, but now she raised it and looked at Miller. ‘So, now I know it isn’t rubbish, when they talk about it at meetings. Now I know I’ve fallen as far as I can … as far as I ever want to fall, anyway. Now I’m asking for help.’
Miller moved to sit beside her. He reached for her hand and she let him take it. ‘So, that means … ?’
‘Rehab,’ Finn said. ‘I suppose. I know there’s a few good ones not far away because I’ve heard people talking about them, but where they are isn’t the problem, is it?’
‘So what is the problem?’
‘Money, same as always. These places cost a fortune, Miller … like ten grand a month or something, if you’re staying there.’
Miller knew that plenty of places cost a lot more than that, because he’d checked. He also knew that money wasn’t an issue. ‘It’s not going to be a problem,’ he said. ‘Paying for rehab.’
Finn scoffed, and wiped away tears, the hint of a smile appearing. ‘You won the lottery and not told me?’
Miller stood and walked across to the mantelpiece. He picked up the envelope that was tucked behind the tango trophy, came back to the sofa and handed it to Finn without a word. She opened it, studied the contents and looked up at him.
‘No.’ She shoved the letter and the cheque back into the envelope and threw it on to the floor. ‘I can’t use this.’
‘It’s more than enough to cover the rehab,’ Miller said.
‘No.’
‘Maybe get you set up in a little flat afterwards.’ He waited, but she wouldn’t look at him.
‘Look, I know it feels wrong, but this is a chance for something good to come out of what happened to your mum. Something great. Trust me, it’s what she wants—’ He caught himself. ‘What she would have wanted.’
Finn finally looked at him, just as Miller checked his watch and realised that he’d lost track of time; that rather than being early for the rendezvous at the Cutler house he was now running the risk of being late.
‘Bugger … I need to go, but promise me you’ll stay here so we can continue this conversation later. Yeah?’ He looked hard at her. ‘We need to continue this conversation.’
Finn said nothing.
‘I’m serious, Finn. I’ll lock you in if I have to.’
She sighed. ‘You don’t need to lock me in.’
‘Brilliant … thank you.’ He scrambled to pick up his jacket and crash helmet.
‘I haven’t got a clue what time I’ll be back, but just go to bed if it gets too late and we can talk in the morning.
’ He opened the door and was on the verge of stepping through it when he remembered why he’d been trying to contact her earlier.
‘Oh, and if I can find someone to pick her up and bring her round, how d’you feel about looking after Barry Cheshire’s dog? ’