30. Julien
thirty
Julien
W hen Julien’s eyelashes fluttered open, he was pressed up against warm skin.
Confusion gripped him, until the slow, steady rhythm of Cinn’s breath reminded him of his presence. His presence here in Julien’s bed . Shuffling back slightly on the pillow they’d somehow shared, Julien marvelled at Cinn’s sleeping face. It had been years since he’d woken up with someone.
Over the years, Julien had engaged in numerous sexual escapades with many people, but last night with Cinn was by far the most intimate encounter he’d ever had.
Images replayed in Julien’s mind.
The way Cinn had looked at him so trustingly, so adoringly.
The way he’d shouted his name, like it was the only word that belonged on his lips.
Then, the way he’d playfully sprayed Julien with the shower when they rinsed off, then jostled him for sink space while brushing their teeth together.
Afterwards, Julien had slipped under the covers and held his arms open, and Cinn had climbed in beside him, entangling their limbs in a warm embrace. The feel of Cinn’s heavy head on his chest as they’d drifted off to sleep, Cinn’s fingers firmly interlocked with his, had seared itself on Julien’s soul .
There would be nobody else for Julien now. He was as sure as the stars in a clear night sky.
This is what it should feel like.
Lying still in the bed, Julien didn’t move an inch, lest he disturb Cinn. He focused all his energy on capturing this moment in his mind, an imagined sketch of the two of them, sharp lines and soft contours fusing together to create a work of art.
At some point, he must have fallen back to sleep, because Cinn was gone when he next opened his eyes. He couldn’t prevent the sickening lurch of his heart falling like a stone through water as he reached out to find the space where Cinn had been cold, the faintest scent of lemon lingering on his pillow.
And this is why you were afraid of it.
For a moment that felt like an eternity, he held in a breath, until a bang in the kitchen restarted his system, flooding him with blissful relief. He slipped on his dressing gown and headed straight to the kitchen to find Cinn, dressed only in his T-shirt and underwear, brown curls a tangled mess, grinning at him.
“I was going to cook you breakfast, but then I discovered you have no food. Like, none. Why do you have so many empty cupboards? Also, you don’t have any instant coffee, so you’ll have to use your fancy thing to make me one.” Cinn gestured to the cafetière, eyes wide in expressive mock fury.
As Cinn continued to rant about various items in his kitchen, Julien’s heart swelled full to bursting, to the point his throat tightened, and he had to swallow down tsunamis of rising emotion that threatened to spill out of him.
Ridiculous things wanted to climb out of his mouth.
You are the most beautiful thing, inside and out.
Stay here with me. Never go home. I won’t hate it here if you’re with me.
I think I’m falling in love with you.
Non, I know I am.
Cinn raised a blue mug, examining the golden patterns that ran through it. “This is pretty.”
“It’s motetech.” Julien took it from Cinn and twirled it in his palm. “I made several of them. The embermotes in the gold veins keep your drink warm. Plus, they look really cool.”
Cinn’s warm laugh filled the kitchen. He picked up Julien’s reading glasses from the counter and stepped towards him. “You are such a nerd.” Cinn placed the glasses on his face, then beamed at him. “But a hot nerd, at least, in these.”
A kiss on the tip of Julien’s nose, then his cheek, then his lips, Cinn’s tongue sliding in to meet his. Julien’s back hit the countertop, and they soon became an entangled mess of limbs pressing against each other.
Reluctantly, Julien pulled away, running his hands through Cinn’s hair to smooth out some of the kinks. “If we start that now, we’ll never leave the house today.”
A smirk danced on Cinn’s face. “Fine by me.”
“We really need to go check on Darcy. We just up and left her to look for that… cat.” Cat slash demon-monster slash Béatrice-reincarnated. “You’re more than welcome to come back here tonight though,” Julien added in a rush, the thud of his nervous heart beating against his ribcage. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
“Okay,” Cinn said slowly, and the light dancing in his eyes had Julien’s soul singing.
Julien pressed a kiss to Cinn’s forehead. “I’ll take a quick shower.”
The telephone was ringing.
He heard it from the bathroom as soon as he’d switched off the water .
The telephone was ringing, and Julien’s heart was about to be impaled.
Of course, it could have been his father. Elliot. Darcy. Any number of other people.
However, Julien knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was him. Tyler.
And now, it was too late. He’d fucked it up.
He’d had ample time to tell Cinn by now, to present his side of the tale before Tyler did, but he’d pushed London to the furthest depths of his mind, to the point he’d tricked himself into believing it didn’t happen.
Cinn’s voice was audible now, getting increasingly louder, but not to the point Julien could make out the words. Good .
Julien faced himself in the mirror. Wet strands of hair pasted themselves to his cheek. You’re going to fix this , he told himself. It’s going to be okay.
Because if he didn’t fix it—
Julien’s throat tightened to the point he could barely breathe.
He dried himself, then changed into fresh clothes. There was only silence coming from the living room now. Had Cinn left? Surely he wouldn’t…
Like a coward, Julien hovered in the corridor, playing his own game of Schr?dinger’s cat. Because until he went in there, everything was fine. Maybe it was Elliot that called, or—
“I can see your shadow,” Cinn’s voice snapped, his tone ice-cold.
Julien closed his eyes. Pressed two fingers to his temple.
“Get the fuck in here.”
With confidence he didn’t truly feel, Julien took the final few steps into the room. Cinn, seated on the sofa, had his eyes glued on the telephone on the side table rather than Julien. His expression was a picture of thunder—black storm clouds circled his head .
“That was Bradley. He rang Darcy’s number, then she gave him yours.”
“Okay…” started Julien. Maybe it was okay. Maybe Bradley was ringing as they’d left some socks behind? Maybe Julien had accidentally gone too far in his kitchen reorganisation, and Bradley couldn’t find his tin opener?
“Tyler didn’t come home last night. Bradley also filled me in on what happened yesterday with you and Tyler, when you went back into the flat.”
“Cinn… I was going to explain. I tried to tell you yesterday,” Julien began, his traitorous voice trembling.
Lightning flashing in his eyes, Cinn jumped to his feet, body noticeably shaking. He tore a hand through his hair. “Why, Julien, why? Why the fuck would you do all that? Why would you do that to him? To me?”
Because he goaded me into it.
Because he was saying the most ridiculous lies.
Because you’ve made me lose my mind.
Because I want nothing else more than you, and I was worried he was standing in the way.
Because I’m a selfish prick.
“I know,” Julien croaked out. “I know I should have asked you before I gave him the money. It was a random last minute decision that I now regret.”
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me as soon as you got in the taxi? Oh wait, I know, because you also told him some random bullshit about me never seeing him again and being yours now.”
Julien’s face flushed. “What?! I never said that! Well, not exactly .” He definitely had said the last part. The semantics didn’t matter now though—tears shone in Cinn’s eyes and Julien hated himself. Loathed himself with every fibre of his being. “You’re completely right. I fucked up. I have no excuses for my behaviour. ”
He stepped towards Cinn, fissures running through his stuttering heart when he flinched away from him.
“I’m not yours, Julien.”
Julien’s heart exploded into tiny pieces. He dropped to his knees, his throat closing so tightly he barely got out, “What if I want you to be? So badly it hurts? So badly I did a stupid, stupid thing?”
“Jesus fucking Christ! Did you ever think about… I don’t know, just asking me out on a date like a normal fucking person rather than threatening and bribing my ex?” An awful sound of pure frustration poured out of Cinn’s mouth as he tore his hand through his hair. “Do you realise that if Tyler’s gone on a massive bender with that money, he could already be dead. Dead , Julien!”
Cinn stormed towards the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Home, to ring Bradley back. To see if Tyler’s turned up yet. He took the entire stash of money out with him, so God knows where he’s ended up.”
Without a single glance back, Cinn marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him, then slamming the front door even harder a few moments later.
Silence.
Julien released a choked sob as his head hit the carpet. He pressed his knuckle into his mouth.
In the months that followed his mother’s death, then the months that followed Béatrice’s, he’d become very adept at forcing himself to disassociate, to float away on a hazy cloud of nothingness when his emotions got too turbulent.
There was no such luck today. Sharp daggers of pain assaulted every molecule of his being, twisting themselves into him again and again as his mind showed him only one image: the expression of pure hurt and devastation on Cinn’s face .
Streams of tears poured out of him. Rivers. Oceans.
Then, from his position curled up in a ball on the floor, he spied a lump of soft, olive green material. He released a low, pathetic moan as he reached for Cinn’s beanie, pressing it to his face to inhale the citrusy scent of Cinn’s shampoo before clutching it to his chest.
What could have been hours passed.
Julien remained motionless, staring up at his ceiling.
The phone rang once, then again shortly after.
It wasn’t until the banging on the door began that Julien pulled himself to his feet, rubbing his tear-stained cheeks.
Cinn ? He stupidly allowed himself to hope, while fully knowing there was no way he was behind that door. Julien didn’t deserve it.
“Julien!” Darcy’s shrill voice boomed down the corridor through the letterbox.
“I’m coming!” he croaked, then dragged himself through his flat to open the door.
Face set into a grim line, she tornadoed into the apartment, dragging him by his arm to push him onto the sofa.
They didn’t speak, not until she had made two mugs of tea, and pressed one into his hand.
“Elliot told me,” she said, by way of explanation. “Well, Cinn rang Elliot and then Elliot rang me.”
“Cinn rang Elliot?” Julien’s voice was a hoarse whisper. “What did he say?”
Darcy gave him a look . “He asked if Elliot knew what you’d done in London. Then he shouted at him for not stopping you. Then he begged Elliot to come check on you.” Darcy glowered at him. “Because Cinn’s a fucking angel and you’re a complete twat.”
“I know, Darce, I know,” Julien moaned, pressing a cushion to his face. “So how come you’re here and not Elliot?”
Darcy ripped the pillow from his grip. “Because it’s been hard enough for Elliot watching you two grow closer and closer without him torturing himself by comforting you right now!”
A strangled scream emanated from deep within him, and he pressed his head to his knees. “I’m a fucking awful person. An awful friend. Just leave me. Go.”
A sigh, then Darcy placed her hand on Julien’s back and rubbed it. Even more tears leaked out of Julien’s eyes. How did he even have this much water left in his body?
“You’re not an awful person, Julien. You’re just a complete mess. But you’re our complete mess. And we’ll sort this. Together.” Darcy wrapped her arm around him and squeezed.
“I can’t lose him, Darce,” Julien said. He was never yours to lose, screamed his inner voice. “You’re not going to believe this but, I genuinely care about him so much. Far more than anyone else I’ve ever been with. He’s the only one I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
Darcy petted his hair, smoothing it like he was an upset child. “I know, Julien. I know.”
“Cinn said that Tyler might die because of me,” Julien confessed in a whisper.
Darcy paused her strokes.
“What?” After a moment’s further silence: “Darcy, what is it?”
“So, I wasn’t sure if I was going to tell you—”
“Just spit it out!”
“Okay. But stay calm.” She pressed her hands into his shoulders like she could contain him. “I rang Cinn before I came here, and he’d just heard from Bradley that Tyler did end up in the hospital—”
“Non!” Julien jumped to his feet, pressing his fist against his mouth. “Oh, God!”
“Calm down and let me finish! What happened was, he ended up gambling half of the money, losing it, and then got into a fight with two other drunk men. They knocked Tyler around a bit, that’s all.”
“That’s all? ” Sinking to the floor, Julien ran a hand over his tear-stained face. “Are you joking? That’s awful. And there’s no way Cinn will forgive me now.”
“It sounded like Tyler will be absolutely fine. Just a few cracked ribs. You can’t entirely blame yourself for this. It was his choice after all.”
He stared at her. “I gave ten thousand pounds to a drug addict.”
“Well, on the bright side, Bradley has confiscated the rest of the cash now!”
A low moan dragged itself out of Julien as he lightly bashed his head against the sofa.
“Julien, come here.” Darcy grabbed his arm, tugging him towards her. Julien fell into her, letting himself be enveloped by her tiny frame embracing him.
“He could have died.”
“Yes, well, we live and we learn.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered.
“Julien, my love, you deserve the world. You’ve just never believed it, and that is why you occasionally act like a total psychopath.”
Julien reached for his tea, the warm liquid calming him with each sip. “What’s my plan then? A boombox over my head outside his window? A thousand red roses? A flock of white doves that spell out ‘I’m an idiot for almost killing your ex-boyfriend’?”
“No, no, and even more no,” Darcy replied, punctuating each word with a slap to Julien’s thigh. “You calm the fuck down and give him space. ”
“What?” Julien cried. “How’s that meant to help? He’ll just ruminate on how awful I am.”
“Probably. Maybe you could start with a letter.”
Julien groaned. “I’m not good with words in that way.”
“That’s why you’re in this mess!”
“Fine!” he snapped. “Have it your way.”
Darcy smiled that sickening winning smile of hers. “I always do.”