Tobias
The sun had almost set into the sea, sinking beneath the horizon as darkness encroached upon the last rays of daylight.
Rivan and Pari found us walking back to our rooms after what sounded like a sweaty, fruitless search that had ultimately led them to a dead end.
I tuned out their bickering as a young healer brought us to a wing of guest rooms. They were all attached to a shared living room, leaving me with far less privacy than I liked.
Definitely not enough space to easily hide away from their company. I eyed the door of the nearest bedroom. I was lucky the circumstances of my nightmares, and the mask that waited for me, meant that I rarely screamed.
A coral-colored dining table on the outdoor balcony was laden with a small feast. My stomach rumbled at the delicious smell wafting through the windows.
After so many consecutive nights working until dawn, it felt decadent to stop for a warm meal and somewhere to shut my eyes, though I doubted the night would be restful.
At least Queen Sariyah hadn’t expected us to dine with her.
Amid the research and the ongoing hunt, maybe she knew none of us were up to the usual song and dance.
Though from what Dolion told us, the Queen was a healer in her own right and regularly spent her nights attending to patients in the hospital wing.
My breathing quickened as I neared the glass double doors that would lead to the balcony.
I hadn’t eaten anything since I brought Quinn lunch, but as my focus fixed on the sky, my stomach twisted into too many knots to be hungry anymore.
I abruptly veered away, ignoring everyone else and a call that might have been my name as I fled to the farthest room.
I rushed into the attached bathroom and gripped the sides of the pearlescent sink, feeling the cold stone beneath my fingers as I panted, trying to get my rising panic back under control.
My reflection in the mirror peered back at me.
The seemingly permanent shadows beneath my eyes had deepened.
My face looked sickly from the lack of sun and sleep, my pallor even more pronounced than usual.
I grimaced at the bright glow of light that overtook the hazel and gold of my irises—a sure sign of my loss of control.
I might be able to pretend I merely wanted to wash up before dinner, but if I took much longer pulling myself together, Quinn was sure to come looking for me.
Sucking in a careful four count breath, I closed my eyes, picturing those cells.
Painstakingly, I locked away my fear, and that light, behind those bars where I had been broken, so I wouldn’t break again.
It took more effort than usual to find that faux sense of calm. And it felt like forever before I managed to shut everything away, numbing myself enough to do something as banal as walk back outside and eat dinner. Even then, my mask slipped far too easily lately.
Was it worth the endless effort that it took to simply exist?
Sometimes I wasn’t sure.
My fingers had lost feeling from squeezing the sink by the time my icy mask was firmly back in place. I splashed some cold water on my face I barely felt, washing away the sweat of the day before I forced myself to leave my room and go back to my companions…back to her.
Despite everything, I closed my eyes as I crossed the threshold—resisting the urge to grab onto the glass doors and refuse to let go.
When I opened them, my gaze went straight to her, as it always did, subconsciously drawn to her despite my best efforts to stay away.
Quinn was laughing with Rivan on the opposite side of the table, their heads ducked together in a way that made a feral need rise in me to walk over and sit between them. I shoved the thought away before I did something unhinged.
Feeling nothing was far better than the alternative.
There was too much I refused to face, too much fear and pain to ever truly escape it.
Yet I couldn’t seem to compartmentalize the flicker of jealousy at the easy way she laughed at whatever Rivan just said.
The pure joy in it made my heart ache like the organ refused to be silenced with the rest of me.
Pari sat beside me, giving me a knowing look I ignored.
When I had returned to Soleara, Akeno and Thorin had given me space, obviously realizing I wasn’t the same person I used to be.
Pari hadn’t given up so easily. She had been the one to extend invitation after invitation to rejoin their circle, and when those had failed, make sure I was looped in on the goings-on of the Solearan Senate.
And not brief missives, but detailed play by plays of exactly what I needed to know to make informed decisions.
She deserved to be led by a king who wasn’t afraid to leave his own castle.
The best I could currently manage was to faithfully follow my mother’s outline to let our people govern themselves and leave me to my duties behind the scenes.
Pari, Akeno, and Thorin had been keeping Soleara safe long before I fell through the mirror and found myself there.
And they had continued to do so during my capture.
If anyone deserved to lead, it was those who had held Soleara together in my family’s absence—not its withdrawn farce of a king.
Maybe it would have been better had I never escaped that dungeon.
Pari reached over, breaking me from my internal musings as she placed a platter of roasted fish next to my plate, quipping, “Did you know that food generally requires you to eat it in order for you to get the benefits?”
A sigh broke past my lips but I obediently added some of the offering to my empty plate.
My stomach felt too tight to even contemplate eating, though it did look appealing.
I kept my focus on my plate, staring at the crisp basil leaves atop the fish and not the rapidly darkening sky that made it hard to breathe, let alone consider taking a bite.
“It sounds like Akeno and Thorin have everything under control in Soleara,” Pari pronounced as I added a few grilled vegetables to my plate.
I frowned. “I haven’t heard anything from them.”
She shrugged. “They know better than to contact you for anything less than an emergency.”
Inwardly, I winced. I was fully to blame for that dynamic, after months of hiding away. After how hard they searched for me, it had to be a slap in the face that I had essentially become a ghost since my return, haunting the bronze castle I grew up in.
Maybe it was the resigned formality of her tone, like we were nothing but strangers, that shamed me. Or maybe it was fear—that, like Eva, something would happen to her before I could mend the gap between the friendship we once shared and what we were now. But I knew I needed to try.
“Thank you, Pari,” I murmured, hoping she knew how much I meant it. “Not just for taking charge without me even needing to ask. I owe you much more than a thank you for all you’ve done for your kingdom and her people.”
Pari’s eyes went wide. Was my praise that unexpected? I knew I had hurt her with my refusal to confide in her as I once did, but that didn’t mean I didn’t still care or notice everything she had taken on in my stead.
“I appreciate it, Your Majesty,” Pari remarked coolly.
“Tobias,” I corrected her. Though I no longer deserved her familiarity, I wanted it anyway. “My coronation doesn’t change anything. We were friends first, after all.”
Pari looked me over, as if appraising me. “Are we, still?”
She had never been one to mince words. My eyes dropped to the fish I had been steadily mutilating with my fork. My mental cages rattled.
I drew in a deep breath and looked her in the eye. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been distant since my return. And I’m…” I chanced a glance at Quinn. “I’m trying.”
It was something, if not nearly enough. I owed her far more than an apology for my seclusion, for turning my back on our friendship, and for my failure to live up to the crown that had been entrusted to my family, figurehead or no.
Pari watched me appraisingly, the silence between us stretching unbearably. Then a smile lifted her lips at whatever she saw. “It’s about time, Tobias. Glad to have you back.”
I gaped at her.
Had it really been that easy?
“I don’t know about back,” I muttered. “But I’m physically here, at least.”
I shoved my full fork into my mouth if only to keep myself from saying anything else, and was surprised to find the light, flakey fish both flavorful and utterly delicious. The knot in my stomach loosened, yielding to my hunger. I neatly finished off the rest of it before reaching for seconds.
“How did today go?” Pari sounded uncertain, like she was out of practice making small talk with me. “Research run smoothly?”
I made an assenting sound as I chewed. A glint in the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I turned to see Quinn unsheathing my dagger.
Something swelled in my chest at the sight.
She hadn’t taken it off except to sleep since I had given it to her months ago.
The diamond in the pommel caught the fading light, the engraved patterns on its hilt bringing me back to the day my mother had placed it in my hands.
It looked right in hers.
Quinn flipped it end over end, the move so expertly done it looked casual, and I suppressed a smirk.
Rivan glanced at me, his brow furrowing. “Isn’t that the match to Eva’s?”
Quinn nodded. “Tobias lent it to me on the way to Adronix.”
“Gave it to you,” I corrected quietly. “I have no intention of taking it back.” My hand slid to the hilt of my own dagger, feeling the hum of energy as my magic tried to intertwine with the blade.
I had left the matching sword in my room but kept the smaller blade attached to my belt, just in case.
“Duskbane came as a set. Besides, Quinn has always been deadly with a dagger. I have no doubt it’s in good hands. ”