Chapter 14 #4
“I … I promise you, Nathaniel, I will never, ever leave her again. I made a terrible mistake all those years ago and … and I will never forgive myself for it, but I’m doing the best I can to make it up to her now …
” She paused. How could she convince the child that she wasn’t going to send her back?
That she wasn’t going to abandon her again? “What can I do?”
He sighed. “You can keep telling her that. Keep reassuring her. I didn’t want to make you upset, but I thought it was something you should know.”
She nodded. It was something she should know, but why hadn’t Eliza come to her about it first instead of mentioning it to Lillian?
Did it really matter? “I … I thought things were going pretty well, all things considered,” she murmured.
“I know she’s quiet sometimes, but I expected that.
” She shook her head. “When I lived in the orphanage I spent so much time by myself, and I was just trying to give her time to adjust.”
“You’ve done right by her, Chloe,” he said.
He placed a knuckle under her chin and lifted her face toward his.
“You made a mistake in the past, and it caused some damage, not just to Eliza, but to you as well. You both need time.” He paused, his eyes lingering on hers and then dipping toward her mouth and back again.
“I didn’t tell you this to upset you. I told you so that you would be aware of it. ”
She nodded. “I wish Lillian had told me.”
Nathaniel shrugged. “Lilly’s her friend. You’re her mother. It’s different.”
She started to ask why but decided it didn’t matter.
She put herself in Eliza’s shoes, trying to see things from her child’s point of view.
She hadn’t done enough to reassure Eliza, but that would change.
She didn’t want to smother the child with platitudes, but maybe they just needed to spend more time alone, maybe take some walks in the evening after the chores were done and before supper.
Maybe Nathaniel was right. They both needed more time.
“Thank you for telling me, ,” she said softly.
She almost smiled. “I know I was a mother from the moment Eliza was born, but this is the first time that I’ve begun to understand what being a mother is.
” She paused. “And Eliza is also learning what a daughter is, and what she can expect from me.” She straightened her back and wiped the rest of the tears from her cheeks. “I’ll do better.”
“You already are, Chloe,” he said.
She looked up at him as he stepped toward the gate. He opened it, gesturing her through and then followed.
They walked to the back of the house. At the door, he turned to her once more. “Chloe.”
They locked eyes for several moments, his arms still loosely grasping her shoulders, hers around his waist and then it happened, no warning, no hesitance.
She lifted herself onto her toes just as he lowered his head toward her and then their lips touched.
She felt hot and calm and skittish all at the same time.
She felt safe but her heart pounded, not in fear but in what this would mean. At the moment she didn’t care. She relished the sense of safety, of affection from this man who said little and yet said so much through his quiet confidence and few words.
It seemed like the kiss lasted forever although it could have only been seconds. It ended and they stared at one another, eyes searching. Her face grew hot again and she lowered her head and quickly bent down for the basin.
Her face still felt hot, her heart was still pattering, but she gathered her courage and looked up at him.
His voice calm, as if nothing unusual had just happened, that they hadn’t just shared a kiss that left her heart still pounding and her thoughts tumbling one over the other.
She raised an eyebrow. For a fleeting second, she thought she saw uncertainty.
“I … I hope I didn’t offend you,” he said softly.
“No!” She winced at the almost desperate sound. “No, you didn’t offend me, Nathaniel.” What did this mean? For her? For him? Was this—
“I’m not a parent so I’m not going to give you any advice, but what I can tell you is that a child who feels safe and secure is one that’ll grow up to be confident and strong.”
So does a grown woman who’s just been kissed by—
“You’re strong too, Chloe, more than you might realize.” He spoke so softly she barely heard his words. “But sometimes, you’ve got to rely on others to help you through the tough times. It’s just a matter of accepting help when it’s offered.”
He opened the back door for her and she stepped inside, expecting him to follow, but he lingered outside, watching her.
He gave her a small smile and a wink and then turned and left, leaving her staring after him.
She wished things could be different, that she didn’t have to keep secrets, and that she could convince herself that she and Eliza could stay here forever, but none of that was true.
The day of reckoning would come, she knew that, and perhaps the sooner she got it over with, the better it would be for all of them, come what may. But oh, how she wished it could be different!