Chapter Seventeen #3
“You don’t?” he asked. “Dear, there isn’t anything that you think needs to be discussed?”
The whole table fell silent as Grandma and Grandpa seemed to have an entire conversation with looks alone.
“Very well,” Grandma finally said before shifting her attention to me.
Her eyes were the same shade as mine and Mom’s. Ocean blue and endless.
This was it. I had just one chance to try and get her to understand how I felt—how she had always made me feel.
“All that I have ever wanted from you is for you to love and accept me for who I am. I’ve spent years trying to turn myself into something I’ll never be.
Trying to reach something I never could.
Hoping that maybe one day you would decide that I had finally done enough and that you would choose to love me. ”
“Jessa—” Grandma said.
“I’m not done.” I sucked in a breath, willing my heart to stop racing. “I asked Mom to invite you here today, because I wanted to let you know that I don’t care anymore. I’ll never be what you want me to be. I’ll probably always be a massive embarrassment to you, but I don’t care anymore.”
Grandma’s eyes softened ever so slightly.
When it was clear that I was finished speaking, she spoke. “Jessa. I see that I have hurt you.” Her gaze drifted to Grandpa, almost as if seeking reassurance.
Grandpa subtly nodded his head, urging her to continue.
“I believe that certain things may have gotten misconstrued. Er—” Grandma swallowed heavily. It was clear that whatever she was trying to say was not easy for her.
“I don’t agree with the choices you’ve made.” Stubborn as ever, it seemed that she couldn’t resist sticking her heels in the ground. “You had a good job—”
“A job that I hated,” I argued. “That’s why quitting felt so easy. Because for the first time in my life, I found something that I wanted to do—I wasn’t blindly following what everyone else wanted for me.”
Grandma pursed her lips. She held her gaze firmly on me. “You’re right. Whether I agree with it or not, it’s your life.” The words sounded so cold and bitter leaving her lips. “And, when it comes to New Year’s Eve, I suppose I can see how my speech may not have landed how I intended.”
“Grandma…” I said breathlessly. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Never once in my life have I heard anything close to an apology leave her lips.
“What I’m trying to say is that I was wrong.”
“What?” I asked, my jaw practically hitting the table. I had expected this conversation to blow up into a massive fight. I had expected to end this day knowing that I would never speak to my grandma again. I had not expected this.
“Don’t make me say it again,” she said with the slightest hint of humor. “My speech on New Year’s Eve hurt you. That was not the intent. If you had stayed through the end rather than running off, you would have known that.”
“The end?”
“Yes. The part where I told everyone that, while the whole bookstore thing was not what I had planned for you, I was still in awe of you. Of all that you have accomplished.”
“What?”
This had to be a dream. There was no way that my grandmother was actually taking accountability. That she was apologizing to me. I could hardly even wrap my brain around the idea of her having anything remotely kind to say to me.
But there she was. With all the same wrinkles and the frown lines that stretched across her face when she scowled. With her blue eyes that matched mine and Mom’s.
This was really happening.
“I can’t sit here and say that I’ll loosen up the expectations I have for you. You are my only grandchild, and I know how brightly you can shine, Jessa.”
I stared at her with wide eyes, unsure how I could respond.
“However… moving forward, I’ll try to be a bit more aware of my words and their impact.”
It wasn’t everything, but I was well aware that it was as good as I would likely ever get from her.
“Thank you, Grandma,” was all I could say. A thousand emotions were swirling inside me.
Nothing could repair the lifetime of hurt that her crippling expectations had on me. But I could, at the very least, finally let myself move forward now. Her words had finally lifted away thousands of pounds of pressure from my shoulders.
“And you really ought to talk to that boy of yours,” Grandma said, her lips twitching upward into a rare smile. “He’s been blowing up my phone for weeks now. Demanding I apologize, if you can even imagine. He’s called me twice today alone.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. I know that you’ve always felt… A certain type of way when it comes to the attention I would give him.” Her smile stretched a little wider. “But I’d like to make it known that I have known since the very beginning that he would always wind up a part of our family.”
One second of silence. Then another.
“You’re kidding! I’ve definitely known longer—” Mom argued.
“I think I’ve got you beat there,” Dad chuckled.
Even Grandpa chimed in. “Was there really any doubt?”
Their words bounced around in my mind, entangling with what Mom had said earlier in the kitchen.
Follow your heart.
It was time I finally did precisely that.