The Silent Appeal #4
The hem of my evening dress is coming loose. Denise said she’ll mend it for tomorrow, but it dragged on the floor for the whole rehearsal and made me feel really down.
Things that went wrong offstage:
Emma’s horrible statue of me.
No one spoke to me during tea breaks. Had to sit on my own backstage. I bet it was because of the statue.
Father Josh wasn’t there when Fran snuck away during the interval of the evening run-through.
She looked up and down the haunted lane and then at her phone several times.
I had to dash back to the green room before she saw me, but when she came back she looked upset and was texting like mad backstage (where we shouldn’t have phones at all). *
*Obviously this went wrong for Fran, not me.
Message exchange between Fran Elroy-Jones and Rev. Josh Harries on June 1, 2025:
8:34 p.m. Fran wrote:
Here.
8:38 p.m. Fran wrote:
Second interval. Only ten minutes.
8:40 p.m. Fran wrote:
Have to get back in five.
8:45 p.m. Fran wrote:
Going back now.
9:04 p.m. Josh wrote:
Sorry, we’re rearranging the girls’ bedrooms.
9:05 p.m. Josh wrote:
Tomorrow, I promise.
Message exchange between Fran Elroy-Jones and Isabel Beck on June 1, 2025:
9:00 p.m. Fran wrote:
If you follow me like that, you give me no choice but to renew the restraining order.
9:02 p.m. Issy wrote:
Your phone is working again! Lovely to hear from you! I was just getting some fresh air and the door in the back of the cupboard is so handy.
9:05 p.m. Fran wrote:
Have you followed me out there before? Be honest, Issy.
9:09 p.m. Issy wrote:
Promise I won’t say anything, unless the RO is renewed—because then I’ll have to get legal advice, and I’ll have to tell my solicitor what I saw.
To: The Fairway Players mailing list
From: Celia Halliday
Date: June 1, 2025
Subject: Fear not
Dear Fairway Players cast and crew,
There’s a moment in every rehearsal schedule when the play takes such a dive that it feels as if we’re practically back where we started. Today is that day. Sadly, both Big Sunday rehearsals fell flat.
Cast, crew, you are doing a fabulous job and whether today’s drop in energy and focus was a symptom of six months’ hard, consistent work, or something else, it matters not.
What matters is that it’s over. The bad rehearsals are behind us and we can move forward into play week with the knowledge that things can only get better, because there really would be no getting any worse.
If anyone is in need of a pep talk or a pick-me-up in the form of a cupcake and a coffee, Joel and I will arrive at tomorrow’s tech rehearsal half an hour early and will treat anyone feeling low to a sugar-rush and a natter. All welcome.
All that remains for me to say is “you can do this.” But not only that, you can do it WELL.
You can fly, you can soar, and you can hold an audience captive in your hands for two hours of solid, time-honored entertainment.
They may ask “who done it?” but at the end of every play night, the denouement will always be “The Fairway Players did it, and they were brilliant.”
Celia and Joel Halliday OBE
Message exchange between Kevin MacDonald and Nicky-Rose Dearing on June 2, 2025:
12:09 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Absolutely seething.
12:10 a.m. Nicky-Rose wrote:
Why, babe? Do you want to meet?
12:10 a.m. Kevin wrote:
No! It’s ten past bloody twelve in the morning! So angry I’m grinding my teeth and the dentist will scowl over her facemask at me. Again.
12:13 a.m. Nicky-Rose wrote:
Kevin! What’s wrong?
12:15 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Have you read that bloody woman’s rousing email to the troops? She KNEW I was planning on sending one and got hers in first. I’m so mad I could punch the wall.
12:15 a.m. Nicky-Rose wrote:
Haven’t seen it.
12:18 a.m. Kevin wrote:
She’s NOT the director! She IS a cast member and she has no business communicating with the group as if she was in charge. I’m thinking of saying something and not just to you or Sarah-Jane this time.
12:23 a.m. Kevin wrote:
You know how easygoing I am. Always. Well, I’ve changed. Not anymore. I’m not going to lie down and take it.
12:25 a.m. Nicky-Rose wrote:
What does SJ say?
12:26 a.m. Kevin wrote:
I don’t know, she went to bed in the spare room. She needs as much sleep as she can get before Sammy crawls in with her.
To: The Fairway Players mailing list
From: Kevin MacDonald
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: Re: Fear not
Celia, this is MY fucking circus. The DIRECTOR sends post-rehearsal emails. I’m the director. Leave cast communications to me. I mean it. And if you don’t like it, speak to Sarah-Jane.
Kevin MacDonald, Committee cochair and director
Messages from Kevin to Sarah-Jane MacDonald on June 2, 2025:
5:42 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Are you awake?
6:12 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Are you awake now?
6:15 a.m. Kevin wrote:
I sent an email to Celia and she’ll be pissed off when she reads it.
6:22 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Did you see her email though? Bang out of order. I had to say something.
6:30 a.m. Kevin wrote:
I referred her to you with any queries.
Message exchange between Nicky-Rose Dearing and Kevin MacDonald on June 2, 2025:
7:01 a.m. Nicky-Rose wrote:
Did you mean to send that email to the whole mailing list?
7:01 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Shit.
To: The Fairway Players mailing list
From: Kevin MacDonald
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: Re: Fear not
Everyone, please ignore my last email. It was just meant for Celia. Cheers.
Kevin MacDonald, Committee cochair and director
Message exchange between Kevin and Sarah-Jane MacDonald on June 2, 2025:
7:29 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Bollocks. Slammed “reply to all” and now the whole group knows I’m an angry asshole.
7:30 a.m. Sarah-Jane wrote:
An angry asshole who never mastered the art of sending emails.
7:32 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Don’t worry, my darling husband, you are my world and that is all that counts.
7:33 a.m. Sarah-Jane wrote:
Don’t worry, Kevin. Most people don’t read emails these days.
7:35 a.m. Kevin wrote:
Normally, no. But you can bet they’ll read this one. It’s all I need. A publicly humiliated Celia Halliday to manage for the rest of play week.
7:36 a.m. Sarah-Jane wrote:
Good luck with that.
7:38 a.m. Kevin wrote:
You know what? Fuck it. Fuck Celia. From now on, it’s all about The Hollow.
7:39 a.m. Sarah-Jane wrote:
The play is all that matters now.
Messages posted to Fran’s Hollow Play WhatsApp group on June 2, 2025:
8:32 a.m. Fran wrote:
How are you feeling this morning, Ams?
8:33 a.m. Amelia wrote:
Ok but haven’t got up yet.
8:33 a.m. Fran wrote:
I really felt for you up there on the stage yesterday.
8:33 a.m. Amelia wrote:
Oh no! Is it obvious?
8:34 a.m. Georgia wrote:
You got a limp.
8:35 a.m. Fran wrote:
The audience won’t notice a thing.
8:37 a.m. Amelia wrote:
In the middle of act two my paracetamol wore off. Thought I was going to faint.
8:40 a.m. Fran wrote:
Is it worth trying the doctor again today? Explain you’re in a play and that you only need stronger painkillers for three nights.
8:42 a.m. Amelia wrote:
I explained all that before. It was still a no. If I had to pull out of the play, what would happen?
8:43 a.m. Fran wrote:
Please don’t say that, Ams! It’s too late to pull out. Perhaps Kevin and Nicky-Rose could rethink some of your moves—they’ve given you a stool to perch on. I can ask if they’d reduce the times you have to cross the stage?
8:47 a.m. Amelia wrote:
I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll think about it. Should try to get some sleep while Lucas is at the gym.
8:48 a.m. Lucas wrote:
Look, everyone calm down. I’ll get her something stronger for play nights.
8:56 a.m. Fran wrote:
We should stick to prescribed medicines, in case there are any unexpected side effects, etc.
8:57 a.m. Lucas wrote:
She’ll be fine.
To: Celia Halliday
From: Emma Crooks
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: Breathe
Your email was beautiful, Celia. Resist rising to the negativity in Kevin’s response.
He’s not himself right now. I know why and I’ll tell you at tonight’s rehearsal.
Put it this way, if you were inclined to consider “revenge” to be simply a manual activation of karma, I know the perfect button to press. Namaste, Emma x
To: Emma Crooks
From: Celia Halliday
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: Re: Breathe
Thank you, Emma. I look forward to grinding that button to dust. Celia
To: Kevin MacDonald
From: Bella Moretti
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: The Hollow
Dear Mr. MacDonald,
I am your NADA judge assigned with attending the Fairway Players’ production of The Hollow on Thursday June 5, 2025, and politely request the following:
A central front row seat, furnished with a cushion.
A copy of the play script.
Tea with almond milk and gluten-free savory snacks for which I will pay.
A parking space within forty feet of the venue.
A copy of the program.
A private conversation with the playwright.
NB. I politely insist that I am not selected to take part in any “audience participation.”
I will arrive at 7:15 p.m. and anticipate that I will be met at the door and shown to my seat by a specially appointed officer who will accompany me all evening. My phone number is below. Please do not call in anything other than an emergency.
Bella Moretti
Judge, National Amateur Drama Awards
To: Bella Moretti
From: Kevin MacDonald
Date: June 2, 2025
Subject: Re: The Hollow
Dear Ms. Moretti,
Thank you so much for your email. The Fairway Players are delighted to welcome you on Thursday. I will be taking on the role of your “specially appointed officer” myself.
Your polite requests have been duly noted and will be observed. From the front row you’ll enjoy a clear view of our beautiful set and star prop—a genuine, authentic Edwardian moletrap our props lady hunted down with savage accuracy.
However, I must point out that one of your requests will be trickier to fulfill than the other five, i.e. number six: a private conversation with the playwright. I’m sad to say Dame Agatha Christie passed away in 1976. If there’s anything we can do to make up for it, please let me know.