54. Riley
Outside of Cole’sceiling-high windows, there’s a flawless view of the winding branches of the oak tree in the backyard. I wake to the sound of a bird, sitting on the branch, chirping a morning tune.
I’m nestled into Cole’s arms, and that feels… good. Warm. Right. He’s still asleep; the bird hasn’t woken him. I spend a few seconds dwelling on the blissful feeling, the pleasant soreness in my muscles, as I watch the chickadee hop around on the branch and finally take flight.
As soon as it vanishes out of sight, the reality of everything starts to sink in, and I bite my lip as a knot forms in my stomach.
Shit. What did I just do?
This was a huge mistake. The wound of our breakup was finally starting to heal over, enough that we could have a nice dinner without any awkwardness and with minimal hurt.
And now, after this, I’ve definitely just reopened it, to its fullest extent.
It’s just going to get harder and harder every time I let myself have a taste. I can’t let this cycle continue. I can’t do this.
My breath hitches involuntarily as I spiral into a panic. I feel Cole stir; he must’ve felt me stiffen, or been awakened by my movements. Before he can say or do anything, I slip out of his arms and scramble to my feet.
“This was a mistake,” I say, almost tripping over myself in my rush to gather my clothes off the floor. Cole must’ve brought my pants back up to the bedroom sometime last night, and I slide into my panties, then tug my jeans back on over them.
“Riley, wait,” he says softly, holding out a hand. “Slow down for a second.”
I shake my head, ignoring him. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I should have been thinking.” I pull my shirt on over my head and scoop up my bra, not wanting to take the time to fasten it. “We needed a cleaner break. This is my fault. I should…”
Cole stares at me as I trail off, pausing in the middle of my flight.
Then it occurs to me. “I should quit at the community center. That way, we won’t have to see each other, and this will be easier.”
“No. If you really don’t want to see me, I’ll never show up there again, but you’re not quitting that job,” Cole says, pushing the sheets back and sitting upright. “But I… I have to try one more time, Riley. I want you here. I want you back. I want to prove myself to you—”
Before he’s even finished speaking, I shake my head, looking away.
“I want to prove that I’m the kind of man you deserve,” he says, a note of desperation in his tone. “Please, angel. Give me a chance.”
“I can’t,” I say. “I can’t trust this.” I glance at him, my eyes stinging with tears. “My whole life, I’ve been led on by people who made promises and broke them all the time. Do you know how long it’s taken me to get where I am? To figure out that I needed to be smart—to figure out that I couldn’t just let my heart take me wherever it wants?”
I start toward the door, but before I can leave, Cole gets out of bed and stands in front of me. Tentatively, I meet his gaze, and there’s something in his eyes that I’ve never seen before—a firm determination, which isn’t uncommon, but also a raw openness, a kind of vulnerability that’s rare from him.
He’s unclothed; I’ve seen his body before, seen the burn scars on his chest, but I feel like I haven’t seen all of him until this moment.
He takes a deep breath, then exhales slowly and says, “I want to take you somewhere. Please.”
I hesitate, looking him up and down. Part of me—the rational part, the small voice that was diminished to nothing last night—thinks that I should just get out. Go downstairs, grab my coat, walk to the nearest metro station and never come back to this part of the city. Quit my job, if that’s what it takes. Avoid him forever.
But… there’s another part of me, stronger, that can’t bear to leave. The part that felt more comfortable and happy in his arms this morning than I’ve felt in a long time.
Plus, I’m curious. The way he’s acting… I’ve never seen this from him, and I don’t know what to expect.
As I deliberate, he adds, with a small smile, “Indulge me.”
I nod, looking up at him. “Okay. Fine.”
Cole gets dressed, and I stand by the wall, watching him as he buttons his shirt. He steps out into the hall, and I follow him downstairs.
In the foyer, he slips into his shoes and I follow suit. He pulls out his phone, dialing a number.
On the stairs behind us, I can hear Archie’s soft footsteps. He emerges into the foyer, staring between the two of us with a bewildered, but pleased, expression.
“Riley’s still here?”
“Yup. We’re going out for a little bit though,” Cole says, his hand over the phone’s receiver. “You get to hang out with Kerry. You’ll be good, right?”
Archie nods, his round, sleep-blurred eyes still fixed upon me. I give him a smile, the biggest one I can muster.
“Hi, Kerry,” Cole says into the phone. “Uh-huh. Yes. There’s something I need to do this morning, and I need someone to watch Archer. How soon can you—that’s perfect. Yes. Thank you.” He lowers the phone, glancing over at me. “Ten minutes.”
“She’s fast,” I say with a small smile, butterflies flapping in my stomach.
Cole passes the time waiting for his assistant by fixing breakfast for Archie—a bowl of cereal, toast with jam, and a mug of hot chocolate, with whipped cream. I linger by the counter, watching them, and sip a cup of black coffee from the French press.
Finally, Kerry arrives, and Cole and I are quickly out of the door.
He holds the door to the house for me, and then the passenger door to his car. I slide in, still unsure where we’re going but very aware of Cole’s attentiveness, the urgency and earnestness that seems to exude from him right now.
But it’s a beautiful day for a drive, I have to admit, warm but not unpleasantly hot. There’s a slight breeze that keeps the temperature mild, especially for this time of year in New York. When Cole rolls down the windows, I can’t help but slip my hand into the rushing air outside.
Then I catch him looking at me out of the corner of his eye, and I withdraw my hand quickly, flushed.
It’s a long drive, all the way from Cole’s place up to the Bronx. With each passing minute, I grow more confused, until finally, Cole pulls into a tree-lined asphalt drive, dappled with sunlight.
I don’t know what destination I was expecting, but whatever it was, it wasn’t this. We’re at Woodlawn Cemetery.
Cole drives slowly through the wrought iron gates, then up the winding access road, in silence. I turn to him, frowning.
“Cole—”
“Almost there,” he says.
He stops the car beneath the sweeping branches of a massive maple, then steps out, gesturing for me to do the same. I hesitate for a few moments, watching as he crosses the street and approaches a simple, granite headstone.
Finally, my curiosity gets the better of me. I climb out of the car and approach him. He turns to face me.
“I wanted to take you to meet my sister,” he says. He’s smiling, but there’s something sad in the depths of his eyes. “I thought that the most important ladies in my life should get the chance to meet.”
I drop my gaze to the grave. There are flowers resting at the base of the headstone, a fresh bundle of yellow and white daffodils. I know, without asking, that Cole brought them here.
There’s a constricting feeling in my throat as I kneel down to the grass, as if I could shake Rebecca’s hand.
“After everything that happened, I let my guilt drive me for a long time,” Cole says. “So many decisions I made—about my life, and about Archie’s—were the product of shame and self-hatred, and nothing more.”
He speaks clearly, with conviction. I look up at him, silent, to give him space to continue.
“But it’s time for me to stop letting that happen.” He meets my gaze steadily. “You were right, when we spoke at the community center. You deserve someone who can love you with his whole being. Unreservedly. Completely.”
As I listen to him, I feel as though my heart is overflowing with emotions. I don’t think I have the words to voice all of them.
“Since you left, my life has felt empty and hollow,” Cole continues, lowering himself to his knees to be on the same level as me. “I understand why you didn’t want to come back, but I swear, I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that I can make room in my life and my heart for you.”
The tree above us stirs in the breeze, and a few leaves, the earliest signs of fall, drift down from its branches.
“Because the truth is,” Cole says softly, “I don’t have to make room. That room exists for you, and it always will, whether you’re there to fill it or not.”
There are tears gathering in my eyes, and I blink rapidly, trying to stop myself from crying. The emotions tie my tongue, such that even in these pauses, I’m not sure what to say. I’m not sure if there’s anything I could say, anything that would really express how I feel.
Cole reaches out to take my hand in his, and I don’t resist. “I love you, Riley.”
He gives my hand a gentle squeeze. I can see the swirl of emotion in his own eyes, and I wonder how on Earth he’s still so eloquent in this moment.
“I want you to move back in,” he says. “Not as the nanny, but as my girlfriend.” He pauses, then shakes his head slightly and amends, “As my partner. As the love of my life.”
He finally stops speaking, and I stare at him, trying to find the words to respond.