Chapter Nineteen
Sadie froze. She watched Sam’s face crumble before he stormed off somewhere past the house and it took her a couple of seconds to gather herself to follow him. Her heart hurt for him.
Sunday was the anniversary of the death of his first wife.
What a terrible mistake on her part. Sadie still didn’t know the details, but when she’d spoken with Hattie about it, she’d never mentioned it. It was perplexing, because being Elizabeth’s mother, Hattie would most certainly remember that date.
Unless she refused to. Maybe she wanted to replace it with a new memory.
Sadie had no idea, but whatever the reasoning had been, she felt incredibly bad in that moment.
She ran after Sam, who’d disappeared behind the house, and found him standing near the edge of the creek running along her property.
His shoulders trembled. Part of her wanted to give him space, to allow him to grieve and let it all out.
The other part knew that she had to apologize right there and then.
Sadie slowly walked up to him and quietly cleared her throat so he’d hear her coming. She gently put her hand on the back of his arm. He didn’t pull away.
“I’m so very sorry, Sam,” she said gently. “I didn’t know about the date. You’ve got to believe me that I would never have suggested it if I had known.”
Sam didn’t reply. He just stood there, completely still.
He didn’t move for such a long time, Sadie thought he wouldn’t say anything, but then he turned his head very slightly away from her.
“She died because of me,” he finally said, his voice so quiet, it was almost a whisper. His guilt was so palpable, Sadie could feel the heaviness of the burden Sam carried on his shoulders. “I will never forgive myself for that.”
“What happened?” Sadie asked tentatively when he didn’t elaborate.
“That night, there’d been a break-in,” he said after a long pause. “Supposed vandalism at the general store. A rider had come to my house to get me to investigate.”
Sam swallowed hard and Sadie sensed his inner struggle, having to relive that night all over again. She put both hands on his arm to provide some kind of support.
“It was past midnight,” Sam continued. “I thought it was odd that the owner wouldn’t wait until morning, but being bound by duty, I left my wife and newborn to check it out.
Ruby was three months old.” Sam released a shuddering sigh.
“When I got to the store, the owner didn’t know anything about a break-in. There was no vandalism.”
Sadie held her breath.
“I raced back to our homestead… They’d set everything on fire,” Sam inhaled deeply.
“They’d kidnapped Liz and Ruby and raced off through a dangerous canyon.
It was difficult to follow, because I couldn’t see in the dark and since I’d rushed to and from town already, my horse couldn’t keep up anymore. ”
Sadie started to feel nervous. Knowing the outcome of the story, she suddenly didn’t want to hear every single thing. She stepped around him and put both of her hands onto his shoulders. His blue eyes were red-rimmed and wet. It broke her heart.
“You don’t need to tell me all the details,” she whispered, gently squeezing his upper arms. The lump lodged in her throat was painful to swallow.
He stared at her for a moment, but then shook his head.
“She died from a head injury,” Sam continued quietly.
“She was tied up and couldn’t move much.
Liz hit a protruding rocky ledge and fell off her horse.
The kidnappers ran off. By the time I found her, she was laying on the ground, still holding Ruby in her arms.” Sadie’s breath hitched and she covered her mouth once again with her hand. Her eyes filled with tears.
“It was dark, so I couldn’t see it,” Sam said with an empty stare in his eyes. “Her wound was too severe. I couldn’t do anything to stop her bleeding and we were in the middle of nowhere. I held her in my arms when she took her last breath.”
Sadie’s eyes spilled over and she bent in the middle with a painful sob. Then she wrapped her arms around Sam and just held him there, desperately trying not to cry too hard, but that was impossible.
“Oh, I am so sorry! I’m so sorry, Sam,” she kept repeating in between sobs.
This man had lost so much and the fact that Sadie had brought up that date for a celebration made her feel terrible. Then she thought about Elizabeth and how terrified she must have been, and she started to openly cry for a woman she’d never met.
Sadie didn’t even know what she could possibly say to recover from all of that.
They stood there for a long time while Sadie sobbed. She could hear his shuddering breaths, but Sam didn’t pull away. After a little while, he pulled his arms out from her embrace and wrapped them around her trembling shoulders. Sadie was so humbled and grateful, it set her off all over again.
When she finally pulled away, she wiped her eyes.
Sam, the man she knew as tall, strong, and steady, looked defeated and so very sad. His usually mesmerizing eyes seemed empty.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she finally said to him. “You were only doing your job. You had no way of knowing what those men would do. But I can assure you that God didn’t do that.” Sam groaned and turned his head the other way.
“Don’t you see?” she exclaimed. “God did not abandon your family, He protected it. He protected Ruby through Elizabeth’s sacrifice.”
“No…” Sam tried, but his voice didn’t work, only releasing a croaking sound.
“Yes! And all the years that followed,” Sadie continued gently, “God was there to carry you through all of it, even if you can’t see that.”
“Stop!” Sam finally managed to ground out. “God did not protect Elizabeth! He’s supposedly Almighty, so why not her, too?” Sadie couldn’t help the hurt she felt when she heard him sound so desperate for his first wife.
“He betrayed me!” Sam called out, his face twisted in obvious pain. “He abandoned me and Ruby and most of all Elizabeth! She’s the one who wasn’t allowed to stay, because He let her die! He took her from both of us! That’s my punishment for not being there to protect them that night!”
“God gave men free will,” Sadie said quietly.
“He is not responsible for those that choose the wrong path.” Sam stared at her in obvious disbelief.
“It’s not God’s fault that some choose to cause violence and pain and suffering for others.
God knows who they are and their day will come, but in the meantime, He’s always there to keep us strong and to guide us through this harsh world.
He’s the one that gives you the strength you need to move forward and be there for Ruby. ”
Sam closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths.
“Don’t punish yourself for something strangers did,” Sadie told him.
She stepped closer to him, took his hand in between both of hers and pressed it over her heart.
“God did not punish you. God did not abandon you. He’s right here trying to get through to you.
He loves you and He truly wants you to come back to Him. ”
Sam stared at her again, but this time there was the tiniest glint in his eyes.
“How are you so strong?” Sam asked with a croaky voice. She gave him a weak smile. As soon as she saw his softness, her eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill all over again.
“Because He loves me,” Sadie said confidently.
“Because He never left me. Because He answered my prayers and brought you and Ruby to me. Because God is good, and Elizabeth is safely with Him now, looking down upon you with all the love she’s ever had for you,” Sadie said without hesitation.
She could admit that his first wife most likely loved him with all her heart.
Sam looked at her for a long moment, curiously and a little bit confused, but he seemed to visibly relax.
“What would Elizabeth want?” Sadie asked then, hoping to bring up the baptism again. Sam opened his mouth, ready to reply, but then he snapped it shut and thought about it for a while.
“She’d want what’s best for Ruby,” he finally replied, his voice steady and firm.
“What’s best for Ruby?” Sadie asked tentatively. Sam took one of her hands and kissed the palm of it. His lips didn’t smile, but his eyes did when he looked at her.
“To get baptized,” he said slowly. Sadie’s eyes lit up.
“Really? You’ll agree to it?” she asked excitedly. Sam held up one hand.
“But I don’t want to do it here,” he said quietly, “where everybody can snoop around and check out the ranch.”
Sadie nodded hesitantly. She respected his judgement, though she and Hattie had liked the idea of a celebration here at the ranch. It would solidify it as Ruby’s home.
“Maybe we can have the baptism at church and a smaller celebration with just friends here?” she asked with a small smile. The corners of Sam's mouth lifted slightly.
“I’ll think about it,” he said.
“And we’ll push it to the Sunday after the next,” Sadie said.
Much to her surprise, Sam shook his head.
“Maybe we should do it this Sunday,” he suggested, though he pulled his lips into a thin line. He was clearly not very comfortable with it. Sadie’s eyebrows shot up as she tilted her head to the side.
“We don’t have to,” she told him.
“I know,” he replied, “but maybe it’s time to add a new memory to this day. Elizabeth would have wanted that too. Not just for me, but for Ruby. Once she’s older, she’ll understand.”
Sadie stared at him and suddenly felt a connection with Ruby’s mother she couldn’t put into words. As if she’d received her blessing.
She stared up into the sky and smiled at it.