19. Non-negotiable #2
“You screamed at me, James,” Victor continued, emotion finally slipping into his voice now. “You knew the kind of relationships I came from. You knew the trauma I’d been through. And then you stood there and screamed at my face.”
He shook his head and stepped closer to me, anger finally breaking through.
“No,” he said sharply. “I’m not a punching bag that you suddenly get to hit just because you’re overwhelmed.”
“And I’m not bullet proof against the ways you punish me whenever you feel like it,” I shot back, my voice rising this time—but unapologetic.
Victor flinched slightly.
He looked away immediately after.
Offended.
Hurt.
Crying now too.
And somehow, seeing tears in his eyes only made mine fall harder.
Because this was the tragedy of us: neither of us were lying.
“I loved you,” Victor said, his voice quieter now. “I still do.”
Silence.
“But,” he continued, “why am I the only one who could look past what happened?”
The words hit me straight in the chest, because I believed him.
I believed every single word when he said he loved me.
But love suddenly didn’t feel as holy to me anymore.
Not after everything it cost me.
“Because your love still feels like something I have to survive,” I answered quietly.
That made him sob harder.
He looked down, one hand covering his mouth as a broken breath escaped him.
“I never wanted that,” Victor said finally, his voice falling apart around the words. “James… I never wanted your life to fall apart like that.”
More tears slid down his face, and for a moment, he looked younger somehow. Less composed. Less untouchable. Just human.
The sight of it shattered something in me instantly, because despite everything, I still hated seeing him break down.
“I didn’t know it got that bad,” he admitted quietly. “You disappeared. And then suddenly I heard you left the city. I didn’t know what to do with any of it.”
The streetlights reflected faintly against the wetness in his eyes.
“I hated myself too,” he continued. “Do you think it was easy for me? Losing you?” His voice cracked again. “You think I didn’t replay that night over and over in my head?”
I stood there silently, tears still falling down my face.
“But every time I remembered you yelling at me…” He shook his head weakly. “My body just shut down.”
“You were cruel!”
“I did what I thought was best for me!”
He looked away, like even admitting that much exhausted him.
“I know maybe it doesn’t make sense to you,” he said, “but I came from relationships where anger always became something worse eventually. So when that happened, something in me just got triggered.”
The word hung heavily between us.
Triggered.
“I know you think I punished you,” he continued softly, “but I was trying to protect myself too.”
I swallowed hard.
Victor wiped roughly at his face, trying and failing to regain composure.
“I loved you the best way I knew how,” he whispered. “Maybe it wasn’t perfect. Maybe I failed you in ways I didn’t even realize at that time. But I wasn’t trying to destroy you.”
My chest tightened painfully.
Because for a second, I wanted to run to him again. I wanted to believe love could survive this confrontation.
But then Victor inhaled shakily and said one thing that finally broke whatever hope remained between us.
“But I can’t apologize for my trauma, James.”
Silence.
His eyes met mine again—red, exhausted, pleading to be understood.
“I can’t apologize for protecting myself,” he said.
And there it was.
Not cruelty.
Not hatred.
Just someone so consumed by surviving his own pain that he could no longer fully see mine.
Suddenly I realized something terrifying.
Victor wasn’t choosing cruelty. He wasn’t sitting awake at night thinking of ways to hurt me. He genuinely believed he had done the right thing…
And that was the problem.
Because if someone knows they’re hurting you, there’s always a chance they’ll stop.
But if they believe they’re protecting themselves while you’re drowning beside them… then they’ll never even see the water.
I looked at him through tears, my chest aching with the unbearable grief of finally understanding someone completely at the exact moment you realize you cannot stay.
And that was when I knew…
This was really the end.
The city continued around us, but everything between Victor and me felt suspended outside of time. It stopped—like my heart the moment I knew we could never be.
My chest hurt so badly it almost felt impossible to breathe through it.
Then slowly, I stepped closer.
Victor looked up at me immediately, tears still caught along his lashes.
And before I could stop myself, I lifted my hand and touched his face gently… one last time.
The moment my palm rested against his cheek, Victor broke.
A soft, wounded sound escaped him as his eyes shut tightly.
Then his hand came up instinctively, holding mine like he was afraid I would disappear if he let go.
And God, that almost destroyed me.
I could feel the warmth of his tears against my skin.
And suddenly, all I could think about were the versions of us that almost made it.
We could have been something beautiful.
Almost.
But ‘almost’ could only hold so much weight before it collapses into ‘goodbye.’
Victor swallowed shakily before speaking. “Why does it feel like I’m losing you again?”
The question shattered me.
I looked at him for a long moment, tears slipping quietly down my face.
Then I whispered, “Because you will never know how to hold me.”
My voice trembled beneath the weight of everything I still felt for him.
Victor broke at that. And somehow, seeing him this way almost made me stay.
Almost.
“I love you, my almost,” I said softly.
For months, I thought loving him was the bravest thing I had ever done.
I was wrong.
Leaving was.
Slowly, I pulled my hand away from his face.
Victor looked at me like he wanted to say something.
But he didn’t.
He chose to keep his words and lose me instead of saying them to keep me.
Victor just stood there beneath the cold yellow lights, crying quietly while the distance between us finally became real.
And so, before I could lose the strength to do it, I stepped back.
Looked at him… one last heartbreaking time.
Then turned and walked away.